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TSM Crap Joke Suppository....

Redbul

By Redbul
in The Muppet Show

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dubai_phil

dubai_phil

Posted
Posted

“
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning seven Tour de France races while on drugs.

 

When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.”

 

 

 

 

 

Willie Nelson

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

dubai_phil

dubai_phil

Posted
Posted

Aussie Helpline

 

The slow ones (Oztralians) might need to read this a couple of times.

 

 

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...What's the problem cobber?"

 

"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the ***** by a wasp,

and now her pussy has completely closed up."

 

"Bummer mate!"

 

"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."

OldNick

OldNick

Posted
Posted

Got the mother in law a Pug dog as a present,despite the squashed nose ,bulging eyes,rolls of fat and being ugly as feck...... The dog seems to like her

Toon Saint

Toon Saint

Posted
Posted

A dog went into a post office to send a telegram. The man at the counter asked the dog to write down what they wanted to send. Taking a blank form, the dog wrote “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

 

The man at the counter examined the form and politely told the dog, “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

 

The dog replied, “But that wouldn't make any sense at all!”

ericofarabia

ericofarabia

Posted
Posted

Great news ... just had a check up at the doctors, and basically he's given me permission to masturbate whenever I want.

 

His exact words were that I could have a stroke at anytime!!

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted

Looks like that Spanish train driver is getting blamed for the crash, by going too fast into a bend.

 

If I was him, I'd be straight on the phone.

 

To Vicky Pryce.

Redbul

Redbul

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Just tried to persuade two fiddles to have a "battle" like the dueling banjos.

 

Apparently I'm going to be charged with inciting violins.

Redbul

Redbul

Posted
  • Author
Posted

My missus made me go to ridiculously extreme lengths to make our pet flamingo feel at home.

 

In the end I had to put my foot down.

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted

My neighbour's twelve year old daughter asked me round to help her with an internet problem.

 

"Mum and Dad are at work," she explained, "and I'm trying to install this program. But it keeps saying I need to disable my Virgin Security."

 

"If your parents are out," I said, unzipping my jeans, "you've already done that."

Ampersound

Ampersound

Posted
Posted

My teenage son brought his new girlfriend home last night so I gave him some sex advice.

 

"Spread her m*nge apart with your fingers and lick her cl*t," I said, "Then after a few minutes, spit on her arse, slip your c*ck deep inside and then pound the granny out of it."

 

"Oh cheers, dad!" he replied.

 

"No problem," I said walking out of his room, "Nice to meet you Sarah."

Sevvy

Sevvy

Posted
Posted

From the late Tommy Cooper

 

1. Two blondes walk into a building --- you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message: 'If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day --- but I couldn't find any.

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli --- a strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man recovered in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know, I've cut off your hands'.

7. I went to a Seafood Disco last week, and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10 Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on that.'

11. 'Doc, I can't stop singing: 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'

Doc says, 'That sounds like the Tom Jones Syndrome. '

'Is it common, doc?'

'Well, it's not unusual.'

12. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' and he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

'What? --- because he's cross-eyed?'

'No, because he's really, really, heavy'

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'

'How's that?'

'Oh, now, don't you start.'

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? --- a fsh.

15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese. There are 5 people in my family so one of them must be Chinese. It's either my mum or my Dad --- or my older brother Colin --- or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu --- but I think it's Colin.

17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The second one replies, 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

20 . A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'

The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'

21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted

"I think our first date has gone really well," she smiled, leaning across the table and exposing her amazing cleavage. "We both know whats going to happen now," she added, leaning closer and fluttering the lashes on her beautiful blue eyes, "so why don't you order us a taxi and get a bottle of champagne from the bar...."

 

I gulped. She pulled my face toward hers, brushed her cheek against mine and whispered in my ear.... "...then we'll go back to my place, and lick it off of each other."

 

 

"Bit late for that now, love," I said briskly, glancing down at the damp spot on my jeans. "I'll walk you to the bus stop."

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