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TSM Crap Joke Suppository....

Redbul

By Redbul
in The Muppet Show

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Saint_Pedro

Saint_Pedro

Posted
Posted

swear filter ...... try again

 

G'day mate, Foster's Helpline - what's the problem mate?"

 

"I'm on holiday in Australia with my girlfriend and she's been stung on the

muff by a hornet...now her vag has completely closed up!!! "

 

"Bummer mate"

 

"Great idea!! Thanks mate!!"

Saint_Pedro

Saint_Pedro

Posted
Posted

Paddy was arrested for punching his wife - again.

 

The judge asks, "Tell me, Mr Molloy, why do you keep beating her?"

 

Paddy replies, "I think it's my weight advantage, longer reach and superior

footwork ..."

ericofarabia

ericofarabia

Posted
Posted
Apparently another Olympian has been arrested for gun crime......................

 

Ellie Simmonds is up on a small arms charge.

 

Definitely in the "Im going straight to hell for laughing at that joke'" category.

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted

Its time to stop with the Oscar Pistorious jokes, I haven't been able to repeat a single one of them to my friends.

 

I hate this f*cking lisp.

110_Persaint

110_Persaint

Posted
Posted

Looks as though Arsene Wenger might be looking to Oscar Pistorius in the Summer transfer window after reports claimed he had more shots on target in 9 seconds than Arsenal did in 90 minutes against Bayern Munich.

Special K

Special K

Posted
Posted

I was surfing the net on the computer the other night when the wife came in and asked what i was looking at.

"Flights" I said.

"I love you!" she said, got down on her knees and gave me the best BJ i'd had in years.

Strange, i didn't think she liked darts.

 

 

Took the wife dogging the other night, but by the time she'd finished parking the car, everyone had got bored and ****ed off home.

Ampersound

Ampersound

Posted
Posted

A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"

 

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

 

"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat *****."

Saint_Pedro

Saint_Pedro

Posted
Posted

"If you'd had a tin of shoe polish, you could have blackened her up and got away with it," I said to Oscar Pistorius, laughing.

Then I realised that was in bad taste. Why would he have a tin of shoe polish?

100%Red&White

100%Red&White

Posted
Posted

The wife was trying to be sexy last night.

 

She lay on the bed sliding her lollipop in and out of her fanny and then licking it

 

"Steady love", I said, "You'll need that in the morning to see the kids across the road!"

  • 2 weeks later...
scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted

I can't believe how wild my sex life has got since I reached my 50th birthday. Just this morning, I was laying there half-asleep when she murmured my name and told me to relax, then slipped a finger into my arsehole. I orgasmed within seconds.

 

 

These NHS prostate exams are brilliant.

notnowcato

notnowcato

Posted
Posted
The Vatican had a problem paying the wages of the new Pope as he didn't have a bank account.

 

He had to open a PayPal account.

 

F**k me, his first miracle!! I wish I had the skillz to open a PayPal account without a bank account. THAT is why he is Pope and I'm writing on here.

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted

My wife asked me to help think up a four-letter pincode for her favourite online fashion website, one that she wouldn't forget.

 

All I could come up with was "XXXL", and thats why I've got this black eye.

Ampersound

Ampersound

Posted
Posted

I was out last night when a really ugly bird pinches my arse and goes "give me your number sexy", I said "do you have a pen?" , she smiled and said "yes". "Well **** off back to it before the farmer notices you are missing"

mightysaints

mightysaints

Posted
Posted

I was out last night when a really ugly bird pinches my arse and goes "give me your number sexy", I said "do you have a pen?" , she smiled and said "yes". "Well **** off back to it before the farmer notices you are missing"

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted

Is there no end to Rolf Harris's musical talents? Hit songwriter, singer, virtuoso on didgeridoo and wobble-board, and now we find out he's also an expert fiddler.

dubai_phil

dubai_phil

Posted
Posted

Ryanair's Micheal O'Leary arrives in a hotel in Dublin, he goes to the bar and asks for a pint of draught Guinness.

The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary."

Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland"

"That is remarkable value" Michael comments

"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours.

That will be 3 euro please.

O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.

"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. - You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro."

"I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please"

Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".

"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir"

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euro."

O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".

"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage.

"Do you know who I am?"

"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,"

"I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"

"Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cent per second"

"I will never use this bar again

"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro

OldNick

OldNick

Posted
Posted
Paulo Di Canio has just issued all Sunderland fans with club uniforms, and announced a pre-season friendly tour of Poland.

Surely it. Would be Abyssinia

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted
Surely it. Would be Abyssinia

 

Historically, yes. Didn't seem as funny to me tbh. Incidentally, did you know Di Canio has petitioned Sunderland Borough Council for the removal of all prominent lampposts, just in case?

Saint_Pedro

Saint_Pedro

Posted
Posted

LONELY HEARTS ADVERT;

 

Premature ejaculator seeks a young attractive woman for fling.....

 

must have large breasts, big lips, a tight ar*e, and ........ aaaaaw, f*cksake!!..., never mind

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted

Japanese scientists have developed an MRI scanner which can "read" a person's dreams with 60% accuracy.

 

If they were to put me through it and assume that my sister-in-law is going to be involved, I reckon I could boost that percentage to 93.

OldNick

OldNick

Posted
Posted
Historically, yes. Didn't seem as funny to me tbh. Incidentally, did you know Di Canio has petitioned Sunderland Borough Council for the removal of all prominent lampposts, just in case?
Just me showing off my history knowledge Scotty,Lol. keep them coming though
scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted
Just me showing off my history knowledge Scotty,Lol. keep them coming though

 

No problem Nick, and what else would I do with my time? ;)

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted

As I sipped my drink at the hotel bar, a tall, elegant hooker slid onto the next barstool. She leaned towards me and murmured "if you're staying here alone, perhaps you'd like to buy me a drink."

 

"I am alone," I said, "but I'm not looking for company."

 

"Why not?" she pouted. "Don't you find me attractive?"

 

"Of course I do", I replied, "but this is the wrong time. You see, I buried my wife this morning."

 

"Oh, I'm so sorry," she sympathised. "How did she die?"

 

"I just told you," I said. "I buried her."

Bearsy

Bearsy

Posted
Posted

Ok tks I'll have to check that hotel out.

 

I was sorry to hear bout scotty's wife tho. Lots of the stuff he puts on here seems to be bout things she said or done. It's a shame there won't be no more of that.

 

PS - Sorry for ur loss scotty.

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted
Ok tks I'll have to check that hotel out.

 

I was sorry to hear bout scotty's wife tho. Lots of the stuff he puts on here seems to be bout things she said or done. It's a shame there won't be no more of that.

 

PS - Sorry for ur loss scotty.

 

Thanks, bear. Heres another one for you;

 

A girl went into a bar and asked for a Double Entendre. Except she didn't, because theres no such drink :lol:

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted

If only Mick Philpott had treated his kids like his batteries.

 

Pack of six, full of energy, and not to be disposed of in fire.

 

 

Still, at least he's the one being charged.

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted

Paulo Di Canio insists he is not a fascist.

 

At least, I think that was the gist of the five-hour speech he gave from his hotel balcony.

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted

Involuntary Expression Disorder.

 

A psychological condition causing the sufferer to erupt into spontaneous, hysterical and uncontrollable laughter in sad and inappropriate circumstances, such as during a funeral.

 

 

A mass outbreak is predicted in the UK next Wednesday.

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