Upwind Posted 31 January, 2013 Share Posted 31 January, 2013 I was told earlier that Anal Sex is illegal in Iceland I'm not sure if this applies to Farmfoods also...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 31 January, 2013 Share Posted 31 January, 2013 My missus went to the doctors to see what the spot was between her tits. She returned home, relieved to be told it was her belly button! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 31 January, 2013 Share Posted 31 January, 2013 Lionel Messi is in talks with Portsmouth Football Club about a potential deal. When asked, Messi replied, "I think this would be a great deal for me. I've been looking for someone to clean my house, cars and trophies." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 1 February, 2013 Share Posted 1 February, 2013 How can you tell when a politician is lying? Beyonce's lips are moving. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 1 February, 2013 Share Posted 1 February, 2013 Hi I don't get that beyonce one is it current affairs? I don't really get the portsmouth one either, is they actually offering cleaning services? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 1 February, 2013 Share Posted 1 February, 2013 Hi I don't get that beyonce one is it current affairs? I don't really get the portsmouth one either, is they actually offering cleaning services? What are you, a hermit? http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/music/news/beyonce-belts-out-national-anthem-live-before-admitting-lip-synching-on-us-inauguration-day-8476782.html Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 1 February, 2013 Share Posted 1 February, 2013 Apparently! I sometimes buy the Sun newspaper but i only really look at the boobs, the football and lol at the dear deidre. Is beyonce sucking off tony blair or something? (Is blair still president?) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deano6 Posted 1 February, 2013 Share Posted 1 February, 2013 Hi I don't get that beyonce one is it current affairs? I don't really get the portsmouth one either, is they actually offering cleaning services? Sorry Scotty, colour me a bit slow too. I'm aware of the Beyonce lip syncing story, and of Pompey's plight, but I don't get them either. Can you humour me by explaining? Are they poorly worded or am I missing a trick? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gaz Posted 1 February, 2013 Share Posted 1 February, 2013 What goes knock, knock.......knock, knock.......knock, knock, knock.........knock, knock, knock,knock, knock......knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock...........................................? Peter Odemwingie at Loftus Road. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trousers Posted 1 February, 2013 Share Posted 1 February, 2013 Feeling sleepy? There's a nap for that... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Bad Bob Posted 5 February, 2013 Share Posted 5 February, 2013 Borrowed from Twitter :- A Champions League match in England was investigated for match fixing. Police are now looking into games that Fernando Torres has scored in Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 5 February, 2013 Share Posted 5 February, 2013 Sorry Scotty, colour me a bit slow too. I'm aware of the Beyonce lip syncing story, and of Pompey's plight, but I don't get them either. Can you humour me by explaining? Are they poorly worded or am I missing a trick? The Beyonce one is a play on the ancient joke about "how can you tell if a politician is lying?.....His lips are moving." Beyonce did her massively publicised lipsyncing of the stars and stripes at the inauguration of President Obama, hence the clearly over-subtle adaptation of the original joke. The pompey one was posted on the last day of the transfer window, the suggestion of the joke being that Messi was considering doing a deal with them, (the implication of the first line being that he might join them as a player,) and Messi responding by saying yes, he needs someone to wash his car etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 6 February, 2013 Share Posted 6 February, 2013 ok u should do them more like this tho next time scotty to save confusion: How do you know Beyonce is doing lip synching at President Obama inauguration? Cos it's massively publicised! Lionel Messi is in talks with Portsmouth Football Club about a potential deal. He's not really tho! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 6 February, 2013 Share Posted 6 February, 2013 ok u should do them more like this tho next time scotty to save confusion: How do you know Beyonce is doing lip synching at President Obama inauguration? Cos it's massively publicised! Lionel Messi is in talks with Portsmouth Football Club about a potential deal. He's not really tho! Doesnt trip off the tongue quite as smoothly bear. The beyonce one scored quite well when I posted it on sicki, think it crept into the days highest-scoring briefly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notnowcato Posted 7 February, 2013 Share Posted 7 February, 2013 (edited) Finally the bones of Richard III have been reassembled.... I love it when a Plantagent comes together. Edited 7 February, 2013 by notnowcato Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AussieDog Posted 7 February, 2013 Share Posted 7 February, 2013 Finally the bones of Richard III have been reassembled.... I love it when a Plantagent comes together. ...it's Plantaganet... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notnowcato Posted 7 February, 2013 Share Posted 7 February, 2013 ...it's Plantaganet... You are correct, I feel so ashamed. Redemption will no doubt be mine with this beauty... What do you get if you cross a beatle with an aussie dog? Dingo Starr. I thank you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 7 February, 2013 Share Posted 7 February, 2013 I was walking a girl home through the park after spending a fortune on her all night. "When we get to your place, am I coming in for a coffee?" I asked her. "No, you're not." she said. "If your plan was to buy sex, you can think again." "If you didn't like that plan," I said, looking around, "you're gonna hate my plan B." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 7 February, 2013 Share Posted 7 February, 2013 Portsmouth FC are so desperate for 3 points that they've admitted driving Chris Huhne's car. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 7 February, 2013 Share Posted 7 February, 2013 I was walking a girl home through the park after spending a fortune on her all night. "When we get to your place, am I coming in for a coffee?" I asked her. "No, you're not." she said. "If your plan was to buy sex, you can think again." "If you didn't like that plan," I said, looking around, "you're gonna hate my plan B." Was she an escort? You have to be careful with escorts. I've never used one myself but bloke at work does and he says he always makes sure it's clear up front that he is requiring bonings and not just for her to have dinner with him and laugh at his dumb jokes. How did it work out in the end? What was ur plan B? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 7 February, 2013 Share Posted 7 February, 2013 Was she an escort? You have to be careful with escorts. I've never used one myself PMSL :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AussieDog Posted 8 February, 2013 Share Posted 8 February, 2013 You are correct, I feel so ashamed. Redemption will no doubt be mine with this beauty... What do you get if you cross a beatle with an aussie dog? Dingo Starr. I thank you! That was just terrierble! a husband say to his wife "you know dear i wanna do something kinky tonight & cum in your ear" the wife looks at him horrified and says " dont be stupid i might go deaf" hubby looks at her and says "whos been silly now?.... i've been cum'n in ya mouth for 20yrs & you still manage to nag me" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shroppie Posted 8 February, 2013 Share Posted 8 February, 2013 (edited) Reminds me of the genuine crossword clue a few years back that caused a bit if a fuss: listen for aural sex (5,2,4,4) Pr1ck up your ears. Edited 8 February, 2013 by Shroppie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dubai_phil Posted 8 February, 2013 Share Posted 8 February, 2013 A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has been forced to give up drinking and golf!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 8 February, 2013 Share Posted 8 February, 2013 Ha! Did you write that joke Phil? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notnowcato Posted 8 February, 2013 Share Posted 8 February, 2013 Ha! Did you write that joke Phil? Sounds more like an extract from the memoirs of Dub_Phil. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Who? Posted 8 February, 2013 Share Posted 8 February, 2013 We to a restaurant at lunchtime today, and was surprised to see lasagne 'under starter orders'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tony13579 Posted 10 February, 2013 Share Posted 10 February, 2013 A farmer named Seamus had a car accident. In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus. 'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor. Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...' 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just Answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?' Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....' The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.' By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'. Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?' 'Now what the F*ck would you say?' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tony13579 Posted 11 February, 2013 Share Posted 11 February, 2013 Will the outgoing pope be known as Ex Benedict Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dronskisaint Posted 12 February, 2013 Share Posted 12 February, 2013 'A lasagne, a lasagne, my kingdom for a lasagne....' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tony13579 Posted 12 February, 2013 Share Posted 12 February, 2013 (edited) A lasagne walks into the pub and the barman says "why the long face" Edited 12 February, 2013 by tony13579 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 12 February, 2013 Share Posted 12 February, 2013 I decided it was time to spice things up in the bedroom, so I bought my wife a vibrator for her birthday gift. She looked startled when she unwrapped it, and said uncertainly "I'm not sure how I should take this...." "Come off it," I said. "You're not THAT innocent." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tony13579 Posted 12 February, 2013 Share Posted 12 February, 2013 I thought I had upset The Maffia when I found dead horse between the sheets.... Turned out to be a Tescos Lasange Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingeletiss Posted 14 February, 2013 Share Posted 14 February, 2013 (edited) Oscar Pistoriouss brings a whole new meaning to "taking your girlfriend out" Edited 14 February, 2013 by Gingeletiss Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 14 February, 2013 Share Posted 14 February, 2013 forgetaboutit Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notnowcato Posted 14 February, 2013 Share Posted 14 February, 2013 Apparently she didn’t notice Oscar sneaking up behind her, it was the Silence of the Limbs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 14 February, 2013 Share Posted 14 February, 2013 (edited) Absolutely shocking news from South Africa. White man arrested for murder. Currently second on sickipedia's Hottest Today list. My proudest moment, at last I have achieved something in life..... Edited 15 February, 2013 by scotty Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
110_Persaint Posted 14 February, 2013 Share Posted 14 February, 2013 An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows. 'Twenty pounds,' she whispers. Murphy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty pounds. So they hid in the bushes. They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a Police Officer. 'Allo, Allo, Allo, What's going on here, people?' asks the cop. 'Ta be shure, O'im making love to me missus,' Paddy answers sounding annoyed. 'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.' 'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saintneilo84 Posted 15 February, 2013 Share Posted 15 February, 2013 Roses are Red, Violets are glorious, never surprise, Oscar Pistorious Oscar Pistorious was in court today charged with the murder of his girlfriend, The prosecutor says he doesn't have a leg to stand on. You can blame Oscar Pistorious for shooting is girlfriend, he was legless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tony13579 Posted 15 February, 2013 Share Posted 15 February, 2013 South african police are hoping to link all other cases where no footprints were left to Pistorious.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sussexsaint Posted 15 February, 2013 Share Posted 15 February, 2013 Oscar as its valentines day would you like to shoot all over my face? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 15 February, 2013 Share Posted 15 February, 2013 Apparently another Olympian has been arrested for gun crime...................... Ellie Simmonds is up on a small arms charge. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 15 February, 2013 Share Posted 15 February, 2013 Surely Oscar Pistorious can't be the first man to wake up legless on valentine's day and shoot all over his girlfriends face whilst imagining she was someone else........ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lets B Avenue Posted 16 February, 2013 Share Posted 16 February, 2013 What cheese do Findus put in their lasagne, so you dont know you are eating horsemeat? Mascarpone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Bad Bob Posted 16 February, 2013 Share Posted 16 February, 2013 Fernando Torres girlfriend broke into his house last night. Shots were fired...they all missed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lets B Avenue Posted 16 February, 2013 Share Posted 16 February, 2013 My Doctor told me to watch what I eat. I better get up to Ascot Racecourse this afternoon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dubai_phil Posted 16 February, 2013 Share Posted 16 February, 2013 [h=5]Goddamn you Brits. FMDP was supposed to turn up at the wedding in a horse drawn carriage. You didn't have to go and eat ALL of them[/h] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saintneilo84 Posted 21 February, 2013 Share Posted 21 February, 2013 apparently another olympian has been arrested for gun crime...................... Ellie simmonds is up on a small arms charge. lmao Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trader Posted 21 February, 2013 Share Posted 21 February, 2013 Pistorius wanted a new bathroom door but his girlfriend is dead against it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint_Pedro Posted 22 February, 2013 Share Posted 22 February, 2013 G'day mate, Foster's Helpline - what's the problem mate?" "I'm on holiday in Australia with my girlfriend and she's been stung on the ***** by a hornet...now her vag has completely closed up!!! " "Bummer mate" "Great idea!! Thanks mate!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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