Durleyfos Posted 28 November, 2012 Posted 28 November, 2012 Two blokes were talking in the bookies. The first one said "I had a check-up yesteday" His mte said "Did it go well, everything OK?" The first one replied "Everything was great up to the point he stuck his finger up my arse" "That's quite normal in check-ups these days" "Really? You don't think I should change my dentist, then?"
Doctoroncall Posted 29 November, 2012 Posted 29 November, 2012 Have you heard that entropy isn't what it used to be? Q: Where does bad light end up? A: In a prism. Q: How many theoretical physicists specializing in general relativity does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe There is a sign in Munich that says, "Heisenberg might have slept here."
Tokyo-Saint Posted 6 December, 2012 Posted 6 December, 2012 My Gran said to me, "Young men of today just aren't as polite and charming as they were when I was young." I had to explain, "That's because they aren't trying to **** you now."
Tokyo-Saint Posted 6 December, 2012 Posted 6 December, 2012 Kate Middleton is only pregnant because she hasn't got tits worth finishing on (TM Frankie Boyle 2012)
Big Bad Bob Posted 7 December, 2012 Posted 7 December, 2012 What's got 4 legs and a **** half way up it's back? A police horse!!
Gingeletiss Posted 10 December, 2012 Posted 10 December, 2012 I came second in a Patrick Moore impression contest a few years ago. I won a constellation prize.
Lighthouse Posted 10 December, 2012 Posted 10 December, 2012 I've been watching this BBC sex scandal with keen interest. If Des O'Connor gets arrested my accumulator pays out.
scotty Posted 10 December, 2012 Posted 10 December, 2012 What's the difference between a practical joke and a temperature? A nurse can take a temperature.
Upwind Posted 12 December, 2012 Posted 12 December, 2012 If Patrick Moore ever interfered with Uranus, nows the time to mention it..!
Shroppie Posted 18 December, 2012 Posted 18 December, 2012 My wife keeps shouting out Hobbit, Hobbit in the night. Think she's Tolkein in her sleep. Found a Lion and a Witch in my Wardrobe. What were they doing there? Narnia business. Thank you and goodnight.
tony13579 Posted 19 December, 2012 Posted 19 December, 2012 A busy couple we using a fertility clinic to try and conceive Any way the clinic wanted a fresh sperm sample. As the husband could attend the Dr gave the wife a sample jar and asked her to return with the jar 08.30 sharp next morning... Next morning arrives and she is there with the jar and hands it to the Dr. It’s as clean as a whistle! She says "He tried, both left and right hands, I tried both left and right hands... we even asked the neighbour to try, no joy." The Dr looked shocked! ... ... "I am really sorry", she says, "None of us could get the lid off"
scotty Posted 22 December, 2012 Posted 22 December, 2012 Q: How many NRA members does it take to change a lightbulb? A: More guns.
tony13579 Posted 22 December, 2012 Posted 22 December, 2012 I've just got in early and booked a table for my wife for valentines night It's bound to end in tears though... She's hopeless at snooker
skintsaint Posted 23 December, 2012 Posted 23 December, 2012 I might just rename this thread the 'copy and pasted from sickipedia thread' and in before the old 'thats not a funny joke post'
tony13579 Posted 24 December, 2012 Posted 24 December, 2012 I might just rename this thread the 'copy and pasted from sickipedia thread' and in before the old 'thats not a funny joke post' There is nothing stopping you putting up better material.
scotty Posted 24 December, 2012 Posted 24 December, 2012 There is nothing stopping you putting up better material. +1. In any case, whats wrong with sickipedia, and why assume everyone on here goes on there? A few of the jokes ive posted on this thread are ones I posted on sicki myself, as scotty528.
scotty Posted 25 December, 2012 Posted 25 December, 2012 Anthony Worrall-Thompson is on Radio 5 live at the moment, talking about cooking Christmas dinners. He started to say that his turkey was free-range, but the transmission cut out after he said "free".
Thedelldays Posted 25 December, 2012 Posted 25 December, 2012 I got my daughter a clown set for Christmas. It wasn't long before she started squirting the contents of her flower at my face. Then, once I'd finished giving her oral, we opened the clown set.
solentstars Posted 27 December, 2012 Posted 27 December, 2012 [h=5]My neighbour shouted,"Can I borrow your phone? There's been an accident and a Pompey fan has been run over and he's bleeding to death." I said,"what's wrong with your own phone?" He said,"the cameras shi t on mine!"[/h]
PhilippineSaint Posted 28 December, 2012 Posted 28 December, 2012 Whats the definition of Apathy ? Faking an Orgasm whilst having a vvank.
scotty Posted 28 December, 2012 Posted 28 December, 2012 Thank God for that. My 87 year old mother-in-law has finally gone back to her nursing home after staying at our house over Christmas. Its not easy having someone around the place constantly stumbling about, mumbling incoherently under their breath, complaining about anything and everything and even sh*tting themselves. I know I drink too much whenever she's here but I've calmed down now, and hopefully with a bit of stain remover and a boil wash my jeans ought to clean up nicely.
scotty Posted 30 December, 2012 Posted 30 December, 2012 Man Utd players are baffled by Alex Ferguson's sudden change of pre-match tactics. Instead of the usual fiery pep-talk, he's just giving them a cigarette each before leading them out of the tunnel and saying in a low voice "This is it, lads. Over the top."
scotty Posted 31 December, 2012 Posted 31 December, 2012 Australian tv presenter in his 80's questioned by the police, who refuse to name him. He denies everything. Insists he didn't didgeri-do it.
Big Bad Bob Posted 31 December, 2012 Posted 31 December, 2012 And to continue the Australian theme :- Have you heard about the Australian Wired Network? It's called the Lan Down Under!!
scotty Posted 4 January, 2013 Posted 4 January, 2013 Russia has offered residency to Gerard Depardieu, but will he actually move there? Who nose.
gaz Posted 15 January, 2013 Posted 15 January, 2013 Sky News: ''Horse meat found in beefburgers on sale in Tesco''. I think I've eaten some, I've had the trots all day.
scotty Posted 15 January, 2013 Posted 15 January, 2013 Sky News: ''Horse meat found in beefburgers on sale in Tesco''. I think I've eaten some, I've had the trots all day.
notnowcato Posted 16 January, 2013 Posted 16 January, 2013 I just checked the Tesco burgers in my fridge.... and they're off!
tony13579 Posted 16 January, 2013 Posted 16 January, 2013 I was defrosting some, their going good to soft They won't be on sale furlong
gaz Posted 16 January, 2013 Posted 16 January, 2013 Like the horse burgers? Wait until you try the meatballs. Apparently they're the dog's b&%*?@ks.
scotty Posted 16 January, 2013 Posted 16 January, 2013 Just been to Tescos and picked up some Bacardi, a bottle of Lambs and a pack of burgers. So thats white rum, navy rum and Red Rum.
Big John Posted 17 January, 2013 Posted 17 January, 2013 You should try their more exotic range. The 1/4 Pandas are delicious.
Big John Posted 17 January, 2013 Posted 17 January, 2013 Concerns raised by food agency about high Shergar content of their weight watchers range.
scotty Posted 17 January, 2013 Posted 17 January, 2013 Tesco have added to their 'Value' range, with a budget line of individual cream-cheese portions. Theyre calling it The Laughing Horse.
WindsorSaint Posted 17 January, 2013 Posted 17 January, 2013 Waitrose admit to traces of unicorn being found in their burgers...
Whitey Grandad Posted 17 January, 2013 Posted 17 January, 2013 Anthony Worrall-Thompson is on Radio 5 live at the moment, talking about cooking Christmas dinners. He started to say that his turkey was free-range, but the transmission cut out after he said "free". On the same note... I bought a packet of Anthony Worrall-Thompson sausages. Underneath the photo it said: 'pr1ck with fork'.
Sergei Gotsmanov Posted 17 January, 2013 Posted 17 January, 2013 (edited) On the same note... I bought a packet of Anthony Worrall-Thompson sausages. Underneath the photo it said: 'pr1ck with fork'. Why did the chicken cross the Road? Because it was in Anthony Worrel Thompsen's coat Edited 17 January, 2013 by Sergei Gotsmanov
lettuce Posted 18 January, 2013 Posted 18 January, 2013 Lamb chops at Cardiff Tesco found to contain 25% farmer DNA.
scotty Posted 18 January, 2013 Posted 18 January, 2013 In his first move as Southampton FC manager, Mauricio Pochettino has renamed St Marys Stadium as "Stade Las Malvinas".
Upwind Posted 23 January, 2013 Posted 23 January, 2013 Sue and her husband Bob went for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, Sue went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Sue to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow! Sue shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused. The therapist turned to Bob and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week - can you do this?" Bob thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf!"
pressingon Posted 23 January, 2013 Posted 23 January, 2013 I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it!
tony13579 Posted 23 January, 2013 Posted 23 January, 2013 One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
scotty Posted 26 January, 2013 Posted 26 January, 2013 74 fans killed at a Port Said football match last February. 21 more of the fans sentenced to death this morning. A spokesman for the Egyptian football league said "We are absolutely gutted. Just two more, and we would have overtaken Hillsborough."
dubai_phil Posted 30 January, 2013 Posted 30 January, 2013 [TABLE] [TR] [TD=width: 271] Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them? [/TD] [TD=width: 309] A: Try a bookstore under fiction. [/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=width: 271] Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? [/TD] [TD=width: 309] A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live. [/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=width: 271][/TD] [TD=width: 309][/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=width: 271] Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband? [/TD] [TD=width: 309] A: Tell him you're pregnant. [/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=width: 271] Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles? [/TD] [TD=width: 309] A: Take off your glasses. [/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=width: 271][/TD] [TD=width: 309][/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=width: 271] Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking? [/TD] [TD=width: 309] A: Valets don't forget where they park your car. [/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=width: 271] Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? [/TD] [TD=width: 309] A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem. [/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=width: 271] Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly? [/TD] [TD=width: 309] A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon. [/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=width: 271] Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses? [/TD] [TD=width: 309] A: On their foreheads. [/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=width: 271] Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores? [/TD] [TD=width: 309] A: "Gosh, I remember these!" [/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE]
Shroppie Posted 30 January, 2013 Posted 30 January, 2013 [TABLE] [TR] [TD=width: 271] Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them? [/TD] [TD=width: 309] A: Try a bookstore under fiction. [/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=width: 271] Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? [/TD] [TD=width: 309] A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live. [/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=width: 271][/TD] [TD=width: 309][/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=width: 271] Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband? [/TD] [TD=width: 309] A: Tell him you're pregnant. [/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=width: 271] Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles? [/TD] [TD=width: 309] A: Take off your glasses. [/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=width: 271][/TD] [TD=width: 309][/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=width: 271] Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking? [/TD] [TD=width: 309] A: Valets don't forget where they park your car. [/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=width: 271] Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? [/TD] [TD=width: 309] A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem. [/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=width: 271] Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly? [/TD] [TD=width: 309] A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon. [/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=width: 271] Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses? [/TD] [TD=width: 309] A: On their foreheads. [/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=width: 271] Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores? [/TD] [TD=width: 309] A: "Gosh, I remember these!" [/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE] As an over-60 I demand an immediate infraction for this on the grounds of. Damn, forgotten why.
dronskisaint Posted 30 January, 2013 Posted 30 January, 2013 My pet python was getting a bit big for my flat so I put an ad on Gumtree Bloke phoned up and said 'How big is it then?' 'Massive' I replied 'No, no how many feet?' he said... 'None, I replied - it's a snake!!'
Shroppie Posted 30 January, 2013 Posted 30 January, 2013 If you saw a jester with a nun on his shoulders would it be virgin on the ridiculous?
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