scotty Posted 20 October, 2012 Share Posted 20 October, 2012 John Terry tried to put the racism trial behind him by taking his family to the zoo. "Come here, kids," he said, pointing through the glass. "Look at that monkey! Ooh ooh ooh!" The whole family laughed, before Terry pulled his wallet out and said, "Sorry, mate. Two adults and two children, please." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tony13579 Posted 23 October, 2012 Share Posted 23 October, 2012 There were these two fish in a tank... And one turns to the other and says " do you know how to drive this thing?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tony13579 Posted 23 October, 2012 Share Posted 23 October, 2012 What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingeletiss Posted 23 October, 2012 Share Posted 23 October, 2012 Women constantly carry on about how they can fake an orgasm for the sake of the relationship but we all know the real heroes are men, they can fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingeletiss Posted 23 October, 2012 Share Posted 23 October, 2012 Dwarf couple who work in a circus are having a baby. They go to the doctors for a check up. Doctor says "Everything's fine, tell me, what do you want, a boy or a girl?" Guy says "We don't really give a **** to be honest as long as it fits in a cannon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tony13579 Posted 23 October, 2012 Share Posted 23 October, 2012 (edited) A cat is walking along the river, when it sees a cocktail sausage floating in the water. It jumps in to get the sausage and gets its paws wet. The next day its walking down the river again when it sees a jumbo sausage in the river, it jumps in to get it and gets its legs wet. The next day it walks down the river and sees a huge Cumberland sausage. It jumps in to get it and its whole body gets wet. What's the moral of the story? The bigger the sausage, the wetter the pussy!!! ....... Jokes about German sausages are the Wurst. Edited 25 October, 2012 by tony13579 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 25 October, 2012 Share Posted 25 October, 2012 You know you're in Portsmouth when you see a banner on the roundabout that says "HAPPY 30TH BIRTHDAY, GRANDMA" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 26 October, 2012 Share Posted 26 October, 2012 I wish everyone would stop criticising Jimmy Savile. When I was 8, he fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingeletiss Posted 28 October, 2012 Share Posted 28 October, 2012 This morning, police have arrested a 68 year old man in connection with the 70s paedophile ring at the BBC. A spokesman for the Met refused to give details, but said. "We believe we have got the leader of the gang" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 28 October, 2012 Share Posted 28 October, 2012 This morning, police have arrested a 68 year old man in connection with the 70s paedophile ring at the BBC. A spokesman for the Met refused to give details, but said. "We believe we have got the leader of the gang" By the way, the police would never had caught him, but one of the girls split on him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dronskisaint Posted 29 October, 2012 Share Posted 29 October, 2012 By the way, the police would never had caught him, but one of the girls split on him. They wanted him to give a detailed report but he told them he doesn't split hairs.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tpbury Posted 30 October, 2012 Share Posted 30 October, 2012 80,000 views says this thread can't be wrong. Keep up the good work Scotty and co! Mind you, I normally kill threads.... That's just me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tony13579 Posted 30 October, 2012 Share Posted 30 October, 2012 An observant chap died one day and was waiting in a very long line for judgment. He noticed that some people, after they went through the line, were able to go through Heaven's Gates. Others were lining up behind Satan who was throwing most of them into the eternal fires of hell. Every once in while, though, instead of tossing a poor soul into the fire, he would toss him/her to one side. After watching for hours, the fellow could not resist. He gave up his place in line and went over and tapped Satan on the shoulder. "Excuse me, sir," he said. "I'm supposed to be in line for judgment, (he didn't want Satan to mistake him for someone who had already been condemned to hell) but I couldn't help but wonder why some of these people are being tossed aside instead of into the fires of hell?" "Oh," Satan said with a snicker. "Those are Americans. These days they're too wet to burn. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tony13579 Posted 30 October, 2012 Share Posted 30 October, 2012 A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks. "It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.". "What?" asks the priest, "what happened?". "You gave birth to a child!". "But that's impossible!" says the priest. "I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby." About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies, "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint in Paradise Posted 31 October, 2012 Share Posted 31 October, 2012 HOW DID I LIVE ALL THESE YEARS WITHOUT KNOWING THIS? THE KINGDOM OF THAILAND I'll bet you never knew this!!! In the original native culture of Thailand (Siam), when males reached the age of 18 they had to participate in the following community ceremony:- They lay themselves stark naked in a large circle, feet facing inward. A beautiful young naked girl kneels over the ankles of each the men. She places a blob of honey and various crushed sweet fruits around his navel to attract flies and insects. (This keeps them off his face during the ceremony) A specially chosen nubile and very beautiful, naked girl then does a sexy and sensuous dance in the center of the circle. As soon as all the men become fully aroused and develop erections, the kneeling girls then reach over the knees, pull the fully erect penises downwards as much as they can, and then on a given signal from the centre dancer release them. The men's penises would then spring back up and go "WHAP!" against their belly buttons. This exercise was a measurement of the strength of their masculinity . . .the man who killed the most flies was elected to the court of the King. scroll down................................ And that folks,....... is why the current capital of Thailand came to be named Bangkok. ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. A devout Muslim entered a black cab in London He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel. The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Arab asked him, "What are you doing?" The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so get out and wait for a blasted camel!!? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 31 October, 2012 Share Posted 31 October, 2012 A slow, sultry look over the shoulder, a flick of the hair and a lick of the lips is one of the sexiest things in the world. But according to my doctor, its not appropriate during a rectal exam. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 1 November, 2012 Share Posted 1 November, 2012 Now Freddie Starr's been arrested. I bet the Krankies will be next, I heard the dad was sh*gging the little boy for years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
influx Posted 2 November, 2012 Share Posted 2 November, 2012 Noticing a fat couple kissing, my girlfriend said, "Have you ever been out with a fat girl before?" "No, you're the first," probably wasn't the best response. "You spend far too much time on that ****ing computer." Possibly a bit harsh, but as one of Stephen Hawking's closest friends, I felt someone had to tell him. I saw a homeless man sleeping inside a big cardboard box outside the train station this morning. Not wanting to disturb him, I crept over and put a Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box. He immediately woke up and said, "Thank you." "No problem." I smiled. He looked at me again and said, "It's empty." I said, "I know, it's meant to be a chimney." Before me and the missus had sex she said, "If you turn off the light, you can shove it up my arse."With hindsight, I probably should have waited until the bulb had cooled down Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 3 November, 2012 Share Posted 3 November, 2012 Leonard Rossiter accused of watching an 18 year old being molested in his dressing-room. So, it wasn't only the damp that was rising. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Turkish Posted 3 November, 2012 Share Posted 3 November, 2012 Im not homophobic, but all gays are f*cking arseholes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 5 November, 2012 Share Posted 5 November, 2012 Tony Blackburn went to a pool party. He took Saville and Gary Glitter with him. The party host saw them and shouted "hey Blackburn you deaf ***t, I said bring a pair of speedos!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 6 November, 2012 Share Posted 6 November, 2012 Today, millions of Americans will be waking up and facing a crucial decision. Big Mac or Quarter Pounder for breakfast? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 6 November, 2012 Share Posted 6 November, 2012 yOU cANT gET bIG mAC oN mCDONALDS bREAKFAST mENU hOMES. yOU cAN gET pANCAKES oR hASh bROWN tHO Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tony13579 Posted 6 November, 2012 Share Posted 6 November, 2012 (edited) yOU cANT gET bIG mAC oN mCDONALDS bREAKFAST mENU hOMES. yOU cAN gET pANCAKES oR hASh bROWN tHO Put down "Shades of grey" and type with two hands...... Edited 6 November, 2012 by tony13579 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tony13579 Posted 6 November, 2012 Share Posted 6 November, 2012 Definition of pornography: Reading material to be held in * one* hand! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tony13579 Posted 6 November, 2012 Share Posted 6 November, 2012 Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tony13579 Posted 6 November, 2012 Share Posted 6 November, 2012 Apparently "50 shades of grey" is the first book in history where there is no need for it's readers to lick their fingers to turn the pages. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 6 November, 2012 Share Posted 6 November, 2012 yOU cANT gET bIG mAC oN mCDONALDS bREAKFAST mENU hOMES. yOU cAN gET pANCAKES oR hASh bROWN tHO I wouldnt know. Thanks for the info, O fount of junkfood knowledge. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 7 November, 2012 Share Posted 7 November, 2012 The BBC have announced the death of Clive Dunn in Portugal. In other news, police have identified a new suspect in the Madeleine McCann case. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 8 November, 2012 Share Posted 8 November, 2012 Was shown this advert a few minutes ago Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 8 November, 2012 Share Posted 8 November, 2012 was shown this advert a few minutes ago lofl!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
100%Red&White Posted 8 November, 2012 Share Posted 8 November, 2012 I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex. Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls! A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver. The "BNP school of diving" said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Convict Colony Posted 8 November, 2012 Share Posted 8 November, 2012 What's the definition of relative humidity ??? The sweat on your ******** when your f*cking your sister Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 8 November, 2012 Share Posted 8 November, 2012 You've got to feel sorry for Barcelona. Not only did they lose, but they also had to go to Scotland. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notnowcato Posted 9 November, 2012 Share Posted 9 November, 2012 Scotty... are you like some kind of joke tester for Jimmy Carr or something? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 14 November, 2012 Author Share Posted 14 November, 2012 My Physics teacher used to say my understanding of forces was the worst he'd ever known. Personally I think he was pushing my leg. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 14 November, 2012 Author Share Posted 14 November, 2012 South Africa hold diamond smuggler who swallowed 220 gems. There are always exceptions that test every rule, in this case you can polish a turd. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 15 November, 2012 Share Posted 15 November, 2012 I reported my sexual abuse by Cyril Smith to the police, and they asked whether I would be prepared to testify in court. I flatly refused. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 15 November, 2012 Share Posted 15 November, 2012 Just announced on the radio that the Hamas leader has been killed by Israeli attacks. RIP Sam Allardyce. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 18 November, 2012 Share Posted 18 November, 2012 My wife looked up from her crossword. "What's the currency in Greece?" she asked. "I don't know," I replied. "I haven't watched the news this morning." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 19 November, 2012 Share Posted 19 November, 2012 Having sex with the wife last night, she sighed and said "can we just stop this? You make it so clinical nowadays." "Dont be ridiculous," I said , consulting my notes. "Its only another 212 thrusts until your orgasm." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 20 November, 2012 Share Posted 20 November, 2012 How many Countdown contestants does it take to change a BLIHBULGT? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
100%Red&White Posted 20 November, 2012 Share Posted 20 November, 2012 A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.' He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.' Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?'' Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my bum is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?' Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 20 November, 2012 Share Posted 20 November, 2012 The hospital just phoned to make sure I'd remembered my gastroscopy appointment tomorrow morning. I said "alright, you don't have to ram it down my throat." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pressingon Posted 22 November, 2012 Share Posted 22 November, 2012 The telephone rang and the lady of the house answered it to find a pervert on the line. He was breathing heavy and then said "I bet you have a tight arse without hair". She said, "He is sitting next to me, who shall I say is calling"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Bad Bob Posted 22 November, 2012 Share Posted 22 November, 2012 How does a Skate know when his sister's on? His dad's **** tastes funny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 22 November, 2012 Share Posted 22 November, 2012 I've just had my gastroscopy, and it was one of the most painful and horrifying experiences of my life. After that, I reckon I deserve a treat. So I'm off to Chez Pierre's for a lovely big plate of Foie Gras. Incidentally, in case anyones wondering about the gastroscopy jokes, I did actually have one yesterday, and its not an experience I'm anxious to repeat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Bad Bob Posted 22 November, 2012 Share Posted 22 November, 2012 I've just had my gastroscopy, and it was one of the most painful and horrifying experiences of my life. After that, I reckon I deserve a treat. So I'm off to Chez Pierre's for a lovely big plate of Foie Gras. Incidentally, in case anyones wondering about the gastroscopy jokes, I did actually have one yesterday, and its not an experience I'm anxious to repeat. Acch, you big girl, I had an upper gi endoscopy a while ago. I wasn't man enough to have a general so was awake when they put the thing down my throat and into my stomach, apart from nearly gagging when they put it down I didn't feel a thing. Acutally, that's a lie, I felt a little pull when they took a biopsy from my duodenum!! I had duodenal ulcers BTW Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 22 November, 2012 Share Posted 22 November, 2012 Acch, you big girl, I had an upper gi endoscopy a while ago. I wasn't man enough to have a general so was awake when they put the thing down my throat and into my stomach, apart from nearly gagging when they put it down I didn't feel a thing. Acutally, that's a lie, I felt a little pull when they took a biopsy from my duodenum!! I had duodenal ulcers BTW Yes, it wasnt as bad as the first one I had tbh. 5 minutes of acute discomfort and that was it. They didnt find anything down there, even the hiatus hernia that accounted for the last one seems to have disappeared. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 27 November, 2012 Share Posted 27 November, 2012 Just got my new BBC advent calendar. Every time I open a door, I have to pretend I didnt see Jimmy Savile f*cking a 12 year old. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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