TSM Crap Joke Suppository....

[dubai_phil]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

 

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place..'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat.

Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'

THERE'S MORE. ...

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other..

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone

in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

IT IS NOT OVER YET....

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting.... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'

[Turkish]

How do you get a gay bloke to f*ck a women?

Sh*t in her c*nt.

[dubai_phil]

I went into a restaurant yesterday and ordered a steak. The waiter asked how I'd look it cooked and I said "Australian Gold please" but the waiter said they weren't allowed to serve them that rare.

 

ripper

[scotty]

I got chucked out of Waterstones today for moving the "Caution: wet floor" signs to the "50 shades of grey" shelf.

[Turkish]

What's the difference between Baj and Nicola Cortese?

 

Ones an egotistical oddball with a superiority complex who rarely speaks in public and makes a fortune off of Saints fans whilst treating them with contempt. the other one is chairman of Southampton football club.

[tony13579]

Two bags of crisps going down the road. A car stops and the driver says, "Want a lift?"

 

The crisps say, "No thanks, we're Walkers."

 

...

 

Bloke walks up to a bar and says "Do you have any helicopter flavoured crisps?" the barman says "No, sorry, we've only got plane"

 

....

There was a funeral procession taking place pulled by 4 horses and the undertaker by the side.

Suddenly all the horses bolted and sped off at top speed.

Panicking, the undertaken ran into a nearby Boots chemists and said Have you got anything to stop my coffin?"

 

....

 

I once spent a year in Milton Keynes, I think it was on a Sunday.

 

.....

The head of the Somali Olympic squad has apologised to officials on behalf of their team after realising that shooting and sailing were two separate events.

.....

 

 

....

There was a big mistake at the Olympic football at Hampden Park. The South Korean flag was displayed instead of the North Korean standard.

 

To their credit, instead of complaining, the North Koreans immediately identified it as a problem with the stadium's computer system, and knew what needed to be done.

 

They all pointed at the big screen and shouted, "Defrag! Defrag!"

...

 

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

 

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

 

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

 

"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"

 

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

.....

What do you do if you come across a gorilla?

 

Wipe it off and say your sorry!

.....

[Tokyo-Saint]

Above are the worst on here so far. Where is Bearsy with the infraction gun?

[scotty]

Above are the worst on here so far. Where is Bearsy with the infraction gun?

 

 

Its the crap joke thread. They're meant to be bad.

[tpbury]

I like the above jokes, due to their crapness. I don't think Turkish from the previous page has got his Brown Wings (pitcher grade).

[dubai_phil]

The Dentist...

 

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[TD=width: 100%] A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

 

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

The girl has been watching him and says

"You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says:

"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"

"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love.

After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

 

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:

"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl replies:..

"Didn't feel a thing."

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[dubai_phil]

Wow that was cool, how the feck did I manage to do that?

[Tokyo-Saint]

Its the crap joke thread. They're meant to be bad.

 

I agree and I expect them to be bad. However, there has to be a reasonable level. I expect to sigh at the very least, maybe groan but when my sole screams in pain, it is just too much

[Ampersound]

You know, some women would be over the moon to be woken up on there birthday with flowers, a lovely cooked breakfast in bed and twenty minutes of oral sex..... But oh no, not my mum....

[tony13579]

Beware of out of date exploding tins of Alphabetti Spagetti. If one goes off it could spell disaster.

[gaz]

I let down my teacher's tyres for giving me a bad mark on a recent test.

 

Lets see the b1tch get her wheelchair out of the classroom now.

[scotty]

"HEW, WITT A SCORCHER!!!!"

 

 

 

Carlsberg dont do tabloid headlines about stories they've been warned off running by the royal family, but if they did.............

[scotty]

I've looked carefully at those internet photos of prince harry, and I'm not convinced its really him. In fact, I cant see hewitt is.

[scotty]

Liam Gallagher, Russell Brand, George Michael, Kate Moss, Naomi Campbell...

 

Christ, it's a good job they don't do drug tests for the closing ceremony.

[scotty]

Neil Armstrong's family have asked that in his memory, every time we see the moon we should think of him and wink.

 

My dyslexic mate reckons he's tried and tried, but it just isn't working.

[Ampersound]

Olympic Jokes arrived a bit late....

 

I see the Romanians have taken Gold, Silver and Bronze..............and

copper and lead, and any other metal they can get their thieving hands

on!!

-----------------------------------

 

The Sailing results are in.

 

GB took the Gold, USA took the Silver, Somalia took a middle aged

couple from Weymouth.

-----------------------------------------------------

 

I see the Aussies aren't doing very well in the Olympics, but then if

they could run, they wouldn't have been Australians in the first place.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

 

My mate asked me: "What is the shortest race in the Olympics?"

 

After thinking for a few minutes, I came up with an answer: "Chinese,"

I replied

--------------------------------------------------------

 

Of course Team GB ladies won the rowing... it's the same basic movement

as ironing!

[scotty]

You know, some women would be over the moon to be woken up on there birthday with flowers, a lovely cooked breakfast in bed and twenty minutes of oral sex..... But oh no, not my mum....

 

 

 

Looks like ampersound and myself are carrying this thread. Just saying.

[Sheaf Saint]

Rick Astley turned up on my doorstep yesterday wanting to borrow my entire collection of Disney Pixar animated films...

 

I told him: "You can have Toy Story and The Incredibles, but I'm never going to give you Up!"

[Doctoroncall]

What is ET short for?

 

 

Because he's got little legs.

[Doctoroncall]

I went to see my doctor yesterday he said I was a paranoid schizophrenic. Well, he didn't actually say that but we knew what he meant.

[scotty]

Two interesting facts about me.

 

1) My knob is the same length as 2 Argos pens.

 

2) I'm banned from Argos.

[scotty]

Watching the paralympics has taught me so much about acceptance of other peoples different abilities but, but, but....

 

If I have discovered they can lift more, throw further and run faster than me, how come they still get to park closer to Tesco?..

[dronskisaint]

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

 

 

 

Quarter pounder with cheese...

[scotty]

I was going to take the plss out of the paralympics blind football today.

 

But as a keen Portsmouth season ticket holder, I must admit it's nice to watch some quality for a change.

[tpbury]

To encourage you Scotty and ampersand, I will repeat a joke I heard thirty years ago and have probably already posted, nevertheless it still makes me laugh!

 

What do you call a bloke with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?

 

Bob

[big al]

Two women where walking home after a girls night out and they felt the need to pee, so passing a graveyard, they decide to go to answer the call of nature.

 

Of course they have no loo roll so the first one uses her knickers and then throws them away while the other woman spots a ribbon on a wreath and pulls it off and uses that.

 

Next day, their husbands are talking and one says to the other, you know we need to watch our wives when they go out for their nights out, my wife came home last night without her knickers. "You think that's bad" said the other husband, mine had a card stuck to her bum that said "from all the guys at the fire station - we'll miss you"

[scotty]

Ordering McDonalds breakfast at 10.32 is like sex with your wife.

 

You can beg and say "it's only 2 minutes" but you still won't get any.

[scotty]

I was in Portsmouth at the weekend, and a local prostitute approached me and asked if I wanted a f*ck

 

"I've only got a fiver", I said.

 

 

Luckily, she had change.

[PhilippineSaint]

I was in Portsmouth at the weekend, and a local prostitute approached me and asked if I wanted a f*ck

 

"I've only got a fiver", I said.

 

 

Luckily, she had change.

 

 

The only things wrong with this are

 

1 Why were you in Portsmouth?

 

2 You were going to accept a bit of Skate bait?

 

3 you put the money up front?

 

you should realise that in Pompey you keep the money to the last possible moment then do a runner with it in your pocket. Have you not read the the great take over saga ?

[Tokyo-Saint]

The only things wrong with this are

 

1 Why were you in Portsmouth?

 

2 You were going to accept a bit of Skate bait?

 

3 you put the money up front?

 

you should realise that in Pompey you keep the money to the last possible moment then do a runner with it in your pocket. Have you not read the the great take over saga ?

 

You've blown the case right open Phil. I'm starting to have doubts about the accuracy of some of the other jokes on here. This might call for an investigation.

[PhilippineSaint]

You've blown the case right open Phil. I'm starting to have doubts about the accuracy of some of the other jokes on here. This might call for an investigation.

 

Do I get a finders fee if you and makebears take the case?

[Tokyo-Saint]

No win, no fee Phil. You'll have to take it up with our (at least he thinks he is) boss, bletch. He sits in the back office stroking a dictionary, criticing things.

 

So this has not been taken off topic....

 

What is the best cheese to hide a horse?

 

mascarpone!

 

 

 

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"

[notnowcato]

Sign outside a butchers...

 

"Our lovely pork and bacon bangers with just a hint of cumin"

[PhilippineSaint]

Sign outside a butchers...

 

"Our lovely pork and bacon bangers with just a hint of cumin"

 

Did they use an original sheep intestine as the condom i wonder?

[saintbletch]

No win, no fee Phil. You'll have to take it up with our (at least he thinks he is) boss, bletch. He sits in the back office stroking a dictionary, criticing things.

 

So this has not been taken off topic....

 

What is the best cheese to hide a horse?

 

mascarpone!

 

 

 

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"

 

We're not going after the Crap Joke Suppository thread.

 

I've just had my ass hauled up to the office of Chief Constable Baj of the Muppet Show Police. He went properly mental over the overtime bill for the Cheese on Toast investigation. He said that next time he's taking it to Commissioner Grant.

 

He also wanted to know why you had tried to expense a gaudy hotel room, a loose-fitting blue T-shirt, a vet bill for having claws clipped, the morning after pill and a femidom (*large). I pointed him toward your avatar and he understood. But he wasn't happy. So we can't afford to spend too much time in here.

 

This is scotty's manor. He and I meet every month in McDonalds in town where he buys me a Big Breakfast and hands me a nice little under-the-table cash sub to "own" this thread. So we will turn a blind eye to the goings on here. Is that clear?

 

If scotty wants to allow jokes on here that fail to pass the sort of forensic analysis that PhilippineSaint has applied to them, then that's scotty's call.

 

Good work by the way PhilippineSaint. You're young and enthusiastic - I like that. Your youth and enthusiasm led you to interrogate scotty over his Portsmouth joke, And between you and I, I think your intuition is right. I don't think scotty was in Portsmouth last weekend.

 

But let's not pick a fight in an area of town where you wouldn't want to walk alone without your MSP radio and nightstick.

 

That's not to say that I don't agree with setting up a police enquiry into each and every joke on this thread. I do. I mean, I secretly suspect that half the jokes on this thread aren't actually true.

 

If I'm honest, I don't think that notnowcato saw a sign outside a butchers; anymore than tpbury knows a white, limbless male called Robert well enough to call him Bob.

 

Personally, I've never met a crap joke yet that couldn't be improved upon by overly-analysing it and pulling apart every word and syllable to expose it as the simple collection of loosely-associated consonants and vowels that it is.

 

But let's not do this in scotty's manor. OK? Is that clear?

 

Anyway, I haven't got time for this. I've got to finish stroking the pages of the letter C in the dictionary. I've got most of the way through but haven't come across a criticing yet.

[PhilippineSaint]

We're not going after the Crap Joke Suppository thread.

 

I've just had my ass hauled up to the office of Chief Constable Baj of the Muppet Show Police. He went properly mental over the overtime bill for the Cheese on Toast investigation. He said that next time he's taking it to Commissioner Grant.

 

He also wanted to know why you had tried to expense a gaudy hotel room, a loose-fitting blue T-shirt, a vet bill for having claws clipped, the morning after pill and a femidom (*large). I pointed him toward your avatar and he understood. But he wasn't happy. So we can't afford to spend too much time in here.

 

This is scotty's manor. He and I meet every month in McDonalds in town where he buys me a Big Breakfast and hands me a nice little under-the-table cash sub to "own" this thread. So we will turn a blind eye to the goings on here. Is that clear?

 

If scotty wants to allow jokes on here that fail to pass the sort of forensic analysis that PhilippineSaint has applied to them, then that's scotty's call.

 

Good work by the way PhilippineSaint. You're young and enthusiastic - I like that. Your youth and enthusiasm led you to interrogate scotty over his Portsmouth joke, And between you and I, I think your intuition is right. I don't think scotty was in Portsmouth last weekend.

 

But let's not pick a fight in an area of town where you wouldn't want to walk alone without your MSP radio and nightstick.

 

That's not to say that I don't agree with setting up a police enquiry into each and every joke on this thread. I do. I mean, I secretly suspect that half the jokes on this thread aren't actually true.

 

If I'm honest, I don't think that notnowcato saw a sign outside a butchers; anymore than tpbury knows a white, limbless male called Robert well enough to call him Bob.

 

Personally, I've never met a crap joke yet that couldn't be improved upon by overly-analysing it and pulling apart every word and syllable to expose it as the simple collection of loosely-associated consonants and vowels that it is.

 

But let's not do this in scotty's manor. OK? Is that clear?

 

Anyway, I haven't got time for this. I've got to finish stroking the pages of the letter C in the dictionary. I've got most of the way through but haven't come across a criticing yet.

 

Sir,

 

Can I call you Sir I think you are referring to Black Bob of the Dandy mob circa 1975 he was inside for Sheep bothering which really got Bearsy's goat. Thought he was well past it but could look through a few old annuals and see if he is still about. If you like Sir?

[saintbletch]

Sir,

 

Can I call you Sir I think you are referring to Black Bob of the Dandy mob circa 1975 he was inside for Sheep bothering which really got Bearsy's goat. Thought he was well past it but could look through a few old annuals and see if he is still about. If you like Sir?

 

Black Bob was a dog, was't he lad?

 

I'm not sure that he would be the same Bob with no arms or legs that tpbury 'supposedly' knows, but you have reminded me of a true story from my past.

 

I use to have a dog with no legs. I called him Woodbine. Because every morning I'd take him out for a drag.

 

True story.

 

*You may call me Sir.

[Thedelldays]

I believe in equality in marriage.

Me and my wife split our responsibilities down the middle... For example, she is in charge of the cleaning... I am in charge of the violence

[Tokyo-Saint]

Thank god for delldays, I was starting to lose the will to live. It was like being locked in that boot all over again, only this time with 2 rambling, middle aged men talking about grammar and spelling and stuff.

 

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor.

'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and Screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.

Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said. '

Your finger is broken.

[Thedelldays]

My Grandad said "Man Utd will win the title this year".

 

I said "tell me something I don't know.."

 

He replied "your Nana's arse can take my whole fist".

[Tokyo-Saint]

My Grandad said "Man Utd will win the title this year".

 

I said "tell me something I don't know.."

 

He replied "your Nana's arse can take my whole fist".

 

This needs investigating. Phil, I think I have your first case.

[notnowcato]

During his visit to Northern Ireland the Pope asked Paddy what he thought of County Down. Paddy replied "It's shet since Carol Vorderman left."

[PhilippineSaint]

This needs investigating. Phil, I think I have your first case.

 

The boss Sir, Bletch kicked us off this thread said something to do with his brown envelopes (believe him an Harry redkrapp) have an arrangement so at the moment no can do as on undercover mission in Angola pretending to work.

[Tokyo-Saint]

No problem Phil, I can only imagine that you are up to your elbows in it anyway. Just do a practice run on bletch when you get back so you are ready next time.

 

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"

[notnowcato]

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"

 

Hmmmm... wait a minute! I doubt even a nubile Fatima Whitbread could launch said snail more than 100m and given that your average garden snail can cover 50m in an hour, all is not what it seems here. Something is a bit fishy.

[Tokyo-Saint]

Hmmmm... wait a minute! I doubt even a nubile Fatima Whitbread could launch said snail more than 100m and given that your average garden snail can cover 50m in an hour, all is not what it seems here. Something is a bit fishy.

 

 

Snails have a famously bad sense of direction. tut.