TSM Crap Joke Suppository....

[Durleyfos]

Barry Gibb was walking through his herb garden when he thought he heard his brother's voices...but it was just his Chives Talking.

[scotty]

The thing I like most about this heatwave is all the low-cut tops and miniskirts. But that said, they do make me look a bit gay.

[timebomb]

I like my coffee how I like my women. MILF and two cougars!

[badgerx16]

Latest transfer rumours : David Villa to Villa, Antonio Valencia to Valencia, and Danny Sh|ttu to Liverpool.

[100%Red&White]

Always read the reviews before buying from Amazon.

 

http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=cm_cr_pr_hist_5?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&filterBy=addFiveStar&tag=5336653544-21

[stev2001]

Superman saw wonder woman naked with her legs spread while flying over her garden.

As quick as a flash he flew down gave her one and flew away before she could see him.

What the f**k was that said wonder women.

I don't know but my ar*e is killing me replied the invisible man.

[Thedelldays]

''England haven't kept a clean sheet tonight dad.'' Said my son.

 

'Neither have you for the last two years, you dirty little ******.'' I replied.

[hamster]

Didn't know you had a son dd.

[trousers]

http://shipoffools.com/gadgets/home_garden/251.html

[badgerx16]

A London cabbie picks up an American tourist, who asks to be shown the sights. First off, the Tower of London - the yank asks "How long did it take to build that ?", the cabbie replies "About 10 years". "Would only have taken 2 in the States" comes the retort. A little later they are going past Westminster Abbey, again the yank asks "How long did that take to build ?" and the cabbie replies "100 years more or less", to which the response is "We would have done it in 10".

As they drive past Buckingham Palace, the yank asks "How long for that ?" to which the cabbie's immediate response is "Bloody hell, where did that come from ? It wasn't there this morning".

[Upwind]

Apparently following yesterdays England game Wayne Rooney was tested for rug enhancing drugs

[dronskisaint]

Apparently following yesterdays England game Wayne Rooney was tested for rug enhancing drugs

 

Or as I heard it - 'performance enhancing rugs'

[Upwind]

A man goes to his doctor to collect his test results.

 

"I've got bad news for you," says the doctor, "You've only got 6 months to live. I'd recommend that you marry a chubby woman and mobe to Hull"

 

"Will that cure me?" asks the bloke.

 

"No" replies the doctor, "But it will make the six months seem a lot longer!"

[dronskisaint]

And on a similar theme....

 

Freddy Mercury went to a doctor who had been recommended to him as all other AIDS cures had failed and asked if there was anything he could do

 

The doctor gave him a map of inner Birmingham and a list of curry houses to visit and said to order the hottest, spiciest curry on the menu at each one

 

Freddy asked 'And will that help cure the AIDS?'

 

'No' said the doctor 'But it will teach you what your a*se is for!'

[Redbul]

I came first in a recent porn audition.

 

 

Turns out you're not supposed to....

[scotty]

one for dubai phil;

 

 

Copper sees a woman dragging two black binliners down the pavement, theres loads of $20 bills spilling out of a rip in one of them. He stops her and says "do you know youre spilling your money all over the road?" She says "Oh no, I'll have to collect it up. Thanks." Copper says "well, where did you get all this cash, is it stolen?" She says "no. I live next to a golf course, and theres a hole in my fence alongside the 9th. Without fail, I get a load of golfers plssing through it, and they're killing my plants. So nowadays, I wait there with a pair of secateurs, and when a dlck pops through it. I wait til they're done, grab it with the secateurs, and shout "$20 or it comes off." Thats why I have all these $20 bills." Cop says "fair enough, out of interest, whats in the other bag?" She says "well, they dont all pay....."

[Redbul]

Did you hear about the comedian using a tax haven in the Caribbean?

 

Jimmy Carr?

 

No, I think it was the Cayman Islands....

[dubai_phil]

one for dubai phil;

 

 

Copper sees a woman dragging two black binliners down the pavement, theres loads of $20 bills spilling out of a rip in one of them. He stops her and says "do you know youre spilling your money all over the road?" She says "Oh no, I'll have to collect it up. Thanks." Copper says "well, where did you get all this cash, is it stolen?" She says "no. I live next to a golf course, and theres a hole in my fence alongside the 9th. Without fail, I get a load of golfers plssing through it, and they're killing my plants. So nowadays, I wait there with a pair of secateurs, and when a dlck pops through it. I wait til they're done, grab it with the secateurs, and shout "$20 or it comes off." Thats why I have all these $20 bills." Cop says "fair enough, out of interest, whats in the other bag?" She says "well, they dont all pay....."

 

like

[dubai_phil]

Husband says to wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived,

I think I'll wear Gold tonight."

Wife says, "Why not wear Silver and come second for a change."

[Redbul]

Took the wife to the doctors to sort out her Tourette's but it turns out she hasn't got it.

 

Apparently I am a c*** and she does want me to f*** off!!

[Thedelldays]

Relief for Rangers F.C. as an ex club legend acts as a saviour for the club.

 

Gazza's shown up at Ibrox with a six pack, a fishing rod and some KFC.

[Upwind]

Chelsea have been refused planning permission for a statue of Didier Drogba to be erected outside Stamford Bridge.

 

This follows concerns that it may fall over without reason.

[dubai_phil]

During my last medical check up, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level. I described a typical day this way:

 

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7km through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes, eyes and hair. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered.

 

At the end of it all I drank eight beers"

 

Inspired by the story, the doctor said,

 

 

 

 

"You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"No," I replied, "I'm just a ****ty golfer".

[thefunkygibbons]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 10 Africans walk into a fine restaurant....

 

 

 

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', scrutinising the group one by one and barring their entrance, "you can't come in here without a Thai."

[do i not like fizzy pop]

I once fancied a doctor so I went to her surgery and complained of bowel pains. She told me to bend over and started a rectal examination.

 

"There's something obstructing the anus" she said, "It looks like a bundle of stems, i'm going to try and extract it."

 

She started pulling and exclaimed, "Oh my god, it's a bunch of flowers!"

 

"Read the card! Read the Card!!" I shouted...

[do i not like fizzy pop]

Told the wife "I've got a new job having sex, live on stage."

 

She said "are you having me on?"

 

I replied "I'll ask my boss, but so far they've all been thin and pretty."

[Tokyo-Saint]

You show me a girl who can’t cook, and I’ll show you a one night stand.

[scotty]

Looked out of my window last night, there was a crowd gathered round a bloke who'd come off his motorbike and got badly injured.

 

I immediately ran out the door and shoved my through towards him. Some woman screamed "thank god, are you a doctor?"

 

I said "no, but thats my f*cking pizza"

[notnowcato]

My missus packed my bags and as I walked out of the front door she screamed...

 

"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bas tard!"

 

"Oh." I replied "so you want me to feckin stay now!"

[dubai_phil]

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

 

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

 

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

 

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel..'

 

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

 

The woman wraps back up in the towel and

goes back upstairs.

 

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

 

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?' Moral of the story:

 

 

 

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

 

 

 

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

 

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

 

The priest nearly had an accident.

 

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg..

 

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

 

The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

 

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

 

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

 

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

 

 

 

Moral of the story:

 

 

 

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

 

 

 

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

 

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

 

 

 

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone.

 

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

 

Puff! He's gone.

 

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:

 

 

 

Always let your boss have the first say.

 

 

 

Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

 

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

 

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

 

 

 

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

 

 

 

Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

 

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

 

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

 

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

 

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

 

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

 

 

 

Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

 

Lesson 6:

 

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

 

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

 

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

 

The dung was actually thawing him out!

 

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate..

 

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

 

Morals of the story:

 

 

 

(1) Not everyone who ****s on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend..

(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

[ericofarabia]

Phil - I'm sure Nige could use some of those if you added a bit of Art of War or Olympic long distance running into the mix!!

[Upwind]

My wife said, switching off her mothers life support machine was the most difficult thing she ever had to do.

 

Shes obviously never tried sneezing holding a full pint!

[ericofarabia]

My wife said, switching off her mothers life support machine was the most difficult thing she ever had to do.

 

Shes obviously never tried sneezing holding a full pint!

 

Oh Dear ..... I'm defo going to hell for the amount of time it took to stop laughing at that.

[Upwind]

We were broken into over the weekend.

Took jewellery, money and have also taken the Missus hostage.

 

They left a note saying:

 

'DO NOT CALL THE POLICE

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN WE WANT £100,000 FOR HER RELEASE

WE ARE VERY DETERMINED

WE WILL CALL YOU...!

DO NOT CALL THE POLICE

 

They were right about being determined, I've had 36 missed calls from them today...!

[Upwind]

A man goes for penis extension and the Doc suggests a baby Elephants trunk stitched on for £3000. The man agrees.

 

Six weeks later while having dinner with his new girlfriend he feels a stirring in his pants and thinks 'this is the night!'

While chatting over dinner his cock suddenly flys out, steals some fruit off the table and goes back.

 

'Wow!' she said, 'can you do that again?'

 

He says 'my cock can but i don't think my arse could take another apple.'

[Upwind]

Teacher draws a penis on the blackboard and asks the class,

 

"Does anyone know what this thing is?" Little billy shouts, "yes sir, my dad has two of them"

 

"TWO?" enquires the teacher in suprise, "yes sir, he has a small one for weeing and a big one for cleaning the babysitters teeth!

[Sevvy]

Ugly fat people fearful for sex lives as government proposes minimum alcohol price

[dubai_phil]

For the golfers that pass by

 

1. These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.

~ Sam Snead

2. I was three over today: One over a house, one over a patio and one over a swimming pool..

~ George Brett

 

3. Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.

~ Jim Murray

4. The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.

~ Mickey Mantle

5. Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.

~ Kevin Costner

6. I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par.

~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

7. After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.

~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

8. The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.

~ Brian Weis

9. Swing hard in case you hit it.

~ Dan Marino

10. My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.

~ Lord Robertson

11. Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

~ Jack Benny

12. There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.

~ Ben Hogan

13. Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best.

~ Jack Nicklaus

14. The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law.

~ H.. G. Wells

15. I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.

~ Billy Graham

16. If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

~ Bob Hope

 

 

17. While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

~ Henny Youngman

18. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball..

~ Jack Lemmon

19. You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.

~ Lee Trevino

20. I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.

~ Lee Trevino=

[Upwind]

I just met a fat, alcoholic, transvestite. He wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.

 

 

I'm a baker by trade. I hate my job, but I need the dough.

[Upwind]

Reports coming in from Portsmouth training ground that a £1 coin was thrown at the players during a training session this morning.

 

Detectives have stated "at this point we can't confirm whether it was a act of violence or a takeover bid.

[scotty]

......breaking news at the olympics.......rumours of drug use by 16 year old chinese swimmer Ye Shiwen following her gold medal in the 400 metres have proved unfounded........her semen sample came back negative......

[phillo]

The Somalian Olympic team have just issued an apology as they didn't realise that sailing and shooting were separate events.

[ericofarabia]

A punter was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing

his shirt.

He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of

one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track.

Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet

on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse

won the race.

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the

Priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept

blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.

The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all

his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him

which horse to bet on ..

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last

race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot

of the day.

This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old

nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of

shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.

Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you

blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you

blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my

savings!'.

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't

tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

Edited 2 August, 2012 by ericofarabia

[CHAPEL END CHARLIE]

Recently seen bumper sticker:

 

If arseh0les could fly this place would be a airport.

[Gingeletiss]

What do you call a Lesbian with thick fingers?

 

 

 

 

Well hung!

[ALWAYS_SFC]

A man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me Father, last night I made love to 21yr old twin sisters, in positions that I think are illegal,over and over again."

The priest thinks for a few minutes and replies,

"Buy 7 lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and then drink it.

"Will this cleanse me of my sin ?" Asks the man. "No" says the priest,

"But it will wipe that ****ing smile off your face you jammy bastard!!!"

[scotty]

Watching Brazil vs Sweden in the women's beach volleyball. There's already been a wrist injury, but I should be alright by Wednesday.

[AussieDog]

I went into a restaurant yesterday and ordered a steak. The waiter asked how I'd look it cooked and I said "Australian Gold please" but the waiter said they weren't allowed to serve them that rare.

[scotty]

Those shootings at the cinema in Denver have completely ruined the new Batman film for me.

 

All I can see in my pirate copy is the audience running around.

[scotty]

I went into a restaurant yesterday and ordered a steak. The waiter asked how I'd look it cooked and I said "Australian Gold please" but the waiter said they weren't allowed to serve them that rare.

 

Fair comment AussieDog, its true, the Aussies aren't doing very well in the Olympics. But then again, if they were any good at running they wouldn't have been Australians in the first place.