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TSM Crap Joke Suppository....

Redbul

By Redbul,
in The Muppet Show

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dubai_phil

dubai_phil

Posted
Posted

Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having.

*Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:

 

Sex with your wife - Legal & General.

 

Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.

 

Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.

 

Sex with someone Different - Go Compare.

 

Sex with a Fat bird - More Than.

 

Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels.

 

Sex with a posh bird - Privileged.

 

Sex with an OAP - Saga !

 

Sex with a transvestite - **confused.com*

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Gingeletiss

Gingeletiss

Posted
Posted

I got myself a prostitute last night, when she asked me what I wanted to do to her? I said firstly want to go down on you for 20 minutes, after the first 10 minutes of muff diving I found a pea in my mouth! So I spat it out and carried on, a minute later I found a carrot so I spat it out and kept quiet and carried on, then I found a bit of beef in my mouth, I stopped and said to her are you sick?

No she said but the last man was!

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dubai_phil

dubai_phil

Posted
Posted

[TABLE=class: MsoNormalTable, width: 100%]

[TR]

[TD=width: 100%, bgcolor: transparent]

I thought you would appreciate this could even try itJ

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me..

It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was Bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate. she never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived.

She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. she couldn't overcome them anymore. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.

She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".

Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment.. Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me. He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son..'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

[/TD]

[/TR]

[/TABLE]

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  • 2 weeks later...
Upwind

Upwind

Posted
Posted

A chemist walked into his shop to find a man bent over and leaning against the wall.

 

"What's wrong with him?" he asked his assistant.

 

"He came in for some cough syrup but I couldn't find any - so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives."

 

"You fu**ing idiot" said the chemist....

 

"You can't treat a cough with laxatives !"

 

"Of course you can" the assistant replied.....

 

"Look at him, he daren't fu**ing cough now !"

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100%Red&White

100%Red&White

Posted
Posted

Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it's £3.00/min (charges may vary).

 

 

Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming? "She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".

 

 

Just booked a table for Valentine’s Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - She's crap at snooker.

 

 

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!

 

 

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford.

 

 

If you get an E mail telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.

 

 

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.

 

 

I've just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in Indian sweatshops. Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers the little bastards deserved it!

 

 

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah life was tough in the gateau.

 

 

The local deli ran out of milk again due to the freezing weather, fortunately, my elderly neighbour Doreen has plenty stacked up on her doorstep.

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tpbury

tpbury

Posted
Posted
Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it's £3.00/min (charges may vary).

 

 

Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming? "She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".

 

 

Just booked a table for Valentine’s Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - She's crap at snooker.

 

 

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!

 

 

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford.

 

 

If you get an E mail telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.

 

 

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.

 

 

I've just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in Indian sweatshops. Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers the little bastards deserved it!

 

 

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah life was tough in the gateau.

 

 

The local deli ran out of milk again due to the freezing weather, fortunately, my elderly neighbour Doreen has plenty stacked up on her doorstep.

 

These are funny! I can't tell if it's Tim Vine or Bernard Manning - where did they come from?

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Deano6

Deano6

Posted
Posted

There's this old joke, that I've never understood:

 

"How do girls get mink. The same way mink get mink!"

 

What's the joke here? I tried googling it and there's no explanation but people agree it's very funny. Urbandictionary gives many definitions of "mink" but none helped.

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Gingeletiss

Gingeletiss

Posted
Posted
There's this old joke, that I've never understood:

 

"How do girls get mink. The same way mink get mink!"

 

What's the joke here? I tried googling it and there's no explanation but people agree it's very funny. Urbandictionary gives many definitions of "mink" but none helped.

 

I think you have fallen into a trap there old son!

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scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted
There's this old joke, that I've never understood:

 

"How do girls get mink. The same way mink get mink!"

 

What's the joke here? I tried googling it and there's no explanation but people agree it's very funny. Urbandictionary gives many definitions of "mink" but none helped.

 

Did you try googling "lemon party" at the same time? hth ;)

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badgerx16

badgerx16

Posted
Posted

COPPER WIRE

 

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

 

Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French."

 

A few weeks later, ‘The British Archaeological Society of Northern England’ reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the Skipton area of North Yorkshire in 2011, Charlie Hardcastle, a self-taught amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely f*ck all. Charlie has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

 

Just makes you bloody proud to be British, don't it?

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buctootim

buctootim

Posted
Posted (edited)
There's this old joke, that I've never understood:

 

"How do girls get mink. The same way mink get mink!"

 

What's the joke here? I tried googling it and there's no explanation but people agree it's very funny. Urbandictionary gives many definitions of "mink" but none helped.

 

I think its "How do smart girls get mink?" Its about trading sex for luxury gifts or marrying into money. Baby mink are born - ie the smart way to get money /mink is through fu ck ing instead of working for it.

 

It worked better as joke when mink coats were the thing to aspire to and women tended to have less access to high paid jobs.

Edited by buctootim
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dubai_phil

dubai_phil

Posted
Posted

I was in a bar on Saturday night. Had a few.

 

 

I noticed two large women by the bar.They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey are you two ladies from Scotland?"

 

 

One of them chirped: "It's Wales you friggin ' idiot!"

 

 

So I immediately apologized and said...,

 

 

"Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?". . . .

 

 

Then the lights went out......

 

 

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Dog

Dog

Posted
Posted

..................................................................

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I met a girl on a dating site she stated she was an animal lover........

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She must be really picky 'cause she just ran out of the door when I undressed and started bumming my German Shepherd.

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Upwind

Upwind

Posted
Posted

I went to a fancy dress party last night - the theme was TV detectives.

 

My black pal Leroy arrived naked, and with a plank of wood up his @rse.

 

Confused I asked, "Who have you come as Leroy?"

 

He replied "Magnum".

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ALWAYS_SFC

ALWAYS_SFC

Posted
Posted

An Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink whe

guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a pra tzitzis and

traditional locks of hair.

He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. So,

he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear,

"Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over

there.

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him

a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud

voice. This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks

for everyone except the Jew. As before, this does not seem to bother

the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The Arab asks the bartender, "What's the hell is the matter with that

Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but

him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

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Wadge

Wadge

Posted
Posted

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a Vacuum cleaner.

 

Talk about Dyson with death.

----oOo----

 

 

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."

 

"Really, ..." says Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

----oOo----

 

 

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.

 

At first I was afraid...then I was petrified

----oOo----

 

 

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.

 

So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

----oOo----

 

 

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.

 

When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

----oOo----

 

 

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin,

3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.

 

I thought to myself, they've lost the plot .....

 

 

----oOo----

 

 

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70! "Blow this," I thought,

 

"I can get one cheaper off the web."

 

 

----oOo----

 

 

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

 

 

----oOo----

 

 

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

 

 

----oOo----

 

 

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

 

 

----oOo----

 

 

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.

 

I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."

 

 

----oOo----

 

 

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought,

 

'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'

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Dog

Dog

Posted
Posted

Me and the wife were in the shopping centre earlier, where we rounded a corner to see a gaggle of young girls, all wearing next to nothing, pouring out of hmv.

"Phoarr!", I said to the wife, pointing at a gorgeous lass of about twenty. "I bet you'd ****ing love to have legs like her."

 

She didn't respond, but I could tell she was upset.

 

I could hear the sobs as I wheeled her up the ramp into debenhams.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Tamesaint

Tamesaint

Posted
Posted

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently," she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - "Is that one word or two?"

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do i not like fizzy pop

do i not like fizzy pop

Posted
Posted

Paddy bumps into his old mate Mick on the street, "Mick me old pal, I haven't seen you in ages, where have you been?"

"I've been to college to better myself," Mick replied, "I've been studying logic."

"Logic? says Paddy. "What's Logic?"

"Well", says Mick, "It's a little complicated so I'll give you an example. You have a fish, right?"

"I do" says Paddy, "I have a fish".

"OK" says Mick, "so that means you probably have a pond?"

"That's right!" Says Paddy, "I keep my fish in the pond."

"Which means you probably have a garden?" says Mick

"I do! I do have a garden where i keep my pond!" replies Paddy

"So if you have a fish in a pond in the garden that means you probably own a house?" Continues Mick

"I do!" says Paddy, "I have my own little house!"

"And if if you own your own little house, that means you're probably married and have a no need to w@nk anymore as your wife sorts you out!" Continued Mick

"Bejeezus!" exclaims Paddy, "You're dead right right! I've been married five years and not had to w@nk once!"

"You see Paddy, that's Logic."

 

They both go on their way and later that day Paddy bumps into Murphy at the local. Murphy asks "Have you seen anything of Mick recently?"

Paddy replies "I have, i saw him just earlier this very day. He has been away at college learning logic"

"Logic?" asks Murphy, "What's Logic?"

"Well Mick explained it all to me." Paddy says proudly, "I'll explain it to you. Say you have a fish, right?"

"Nope" says Murphy.

"Then you're a w@nker" says Paddy.

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hamster

hamster

Posted
Posted

David is to marry Sally, only he has no knowledge of the femal form. His father tells him to go to the forest and practice on a tree.

 

Wedding night comes and Sally is laid on the bed, spread eagled in the dark. All of a sudden she screams, turns on the light and finds David forcing a stick into her.

 

What the f u c. K. Do you think that you are doing David?

 

Inam checking for squirrels Sally

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