Teddy Nutkins Posted 16 December, 2011 Share Posted 16 December, 2011 Paddy's been arrested for punching his wife, again. The judge asks, "Tell me, Mr. Molloy, why do you keep beating her?" Paddy replies, "I think it's my weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toomer Posted 19 December, 2011 Share Posted 19 December, 2011 Five Facts about Santa Clause 1) He wears Red 2) He's good at breaking into houses 3) He's got a load of electrical goods nobody can trace 4) He drives an unlicened vehicle 5) He only works one day a year Conclusion He's a Scoucer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dog Posted 23 December, 2011 Share Posted 23 December, 2011 What's the difference between Katie Price's pussy and a watch? A watch fits tightly around a man's wrist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seaford Saint Posted 23 December, 2011 Share Posted 23 December, 2011 An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tony13579 Posted 24 December, 2011 Share Posted 24 December, 2011 Did you hear about the unemployed Greek immigrant who was flown by helicopter to the Papworth and got queue jumped and had heart surgery the same day. Prince Philip is recovering. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thedelldays Posted 24 December, 2011 Share Posted 24 December, 2011 It's Christmas morning and little Amy and her brother Joe are excitedly opening their presents while Mam and Dad watch them. They finish opening their presents and Mam notices a slight look of disappointment on Amy's face.Mam : "What's the matter Amy?"Amy : "Oh, it's nothing really. Santa didn't bring me an I-Pod!"Mam : "Well I'm sure there's a good reason, maybe the birthday fairy will bring one"Joe : "What about my X-Box?"Mam : "Well I'm fairly sure the birthday fairy will bring one of those also"Amy and Joe started to protest about not having the presents they wanted.Dad : "Enough! Santa didn't bring them, he's gone back home and won't be back until next year. Let's just see what happens on your birthdays. You should be grateful for what you've had. Some kids in Africa don't even have food or water. They can only play with sticks and stones because that's all there is for them to play with."And with that, the subject was dropped. Amy played with her new dolls and Joe played with his new toys. The rest of the day passed and it was a pleasant and happy one for the family. Bedtime for the kids approached and Amy went to bed still feeling disappointed.Amy was so sad that when the light went out and Mam closed the door, she started to sob quietly. Santa really let her down this time. As she was crying herself to sleep, her door quitely opened, then closed and she felt someone sit on the end of her bed. She looked up and all she could see against the light from the window in the dark room was a silhouette of someone very familiar ... it looked like Santa himself!Santa : "Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas little Amy!"Amy : "Santa! Is that really you?"Santa : "Why yes it is my dear child! I forgot to leave you something."Amy : "Is it an I-Pod?"Santa : "Why yes it is my dear child! Would you like it?"Amy : "Oh yes Santa! Yes please!"Santa : "Well my dear child, if you want the I-Pad, you'll have to do something special for Santa"Amy : "Oh ... ok Santa ... what would you like me to do?"Santa stood up and went to Amy's side, she couldn't quite see what he was doing but she heard a zip undo and he was fumbling about with something.Santa : "Well my dear child, I want you to lick my magic finger, then put it in your mouth and suck it for a bit."Amy wan't sure about this, she felt uncomfortable as she couldn't see what Santa wanted licking and sucking. Santa pressed the power button on the I-Pod so it lit up in the dark and waved it about in front of her.Amy : "I dunno Santa, will I get in trouble?"Santa : "No no no my dear child, just lick and suck my magic finger for a bit and the I-Pod is yours."Amy still wasn't sure about this, she still felt uncomfortable about licking and sucking Santa's magic finger but the I-Pod glowed magically in the dark before her. She was captivated by the lights, she really wanted the I-Pod so she took Santa's magic finger and tentatively started to lick it. On the first lick, she recoiled back in disgust and started spitting.Amy : "Ugh! Santa, your magic finger smells like pooh and tastes funny!"Santa : "Well my dear child, your brother just got his X-Box." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 24 December, 2011 Share Posted 24 December, 2011 It's Christmas morning and little Amy and her brother Joe are excitedly opening their presents while Mam and Dad watch them. They finish opening their presents and Mam notices a slight look of disappointment on Amy's face.Mam : "What's the matter Amy?"Amy : "Oh, it's nothing really. Santa didn't bring me an I-Pod!"Mam : "Well I'm sure there's a good reason, maybe the birthday fairy will bring one"Joe : "What about my X-Box?"Mam : "Well I'm fairly sure the birthday fairy will bring one of those also"Amy and Joe started to protest about not having the presents they wanted.Dad : "Enough! Santa didn't bring them, he's gone back home and won't be back until next year. Let's just see what happens on your birthdays. You should be grateful for what you've had. Some kids in Africa don't even have food or water. They can only play with sticks and stones because that's all there is for them to play with."And with that, the subject was dropped. Amy played with her new dolls and Joe played with his new toys. The rest of the day passed and it was a pleasant and happy one for the family. Bedtime for the kids approached and Amy went to bed still feeling disappointed.Amy was so sad that when the light went out and Mam closed the door, she started to sob quietly. Santa really let her down this time. As she was crying herself to sleep, her door quitely opened, then closed and she felt someone sit on the end of her bed. She looked up and all she could see against the light from the window in the dark room was a silhouette of someone very familiar ... it looked like Santa himself!Santa : "Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas little Amy!"Amy : "Santa! Is that really you?"Santa : "Why yes it is my dear child! I forgot to leave you something."Amy : "Is it an I-Pod?"Santa : "Why yes it is my dear child! Would you like it?"Amy : "Oh yes Santa! Yes please!"Santa : "Well my dear child, if you want the I-Pad, you'll have to do something special for Santa"Amy : "Oh ... ok Santa ... what would you like me to do?"Santa stood up and went to Amy's side, she couldn't quite see what he was doing but she heard a zip undo and he was fumbling about with something.Santa : "Well my dear child, I want you to lick my magic finger, then put it in your mouth and suck it for a bit."Amy wan't sure about this, she felt uncomfortable as she couldn't see what Santa wanted licking and sucking. Santa pressed the power button on the I-Pod so it lit up in the dark and waved it about in front of her.Amy : "I dunno Santa, will I get in trouble?"Santa : "No no no my dear child, just lick and suck my magic finger for a bit and the I-Pod is yours."Amy still wasn't sure about this, she still felt uncomfortable about licking and sucking Santa's magic finger but the I-Pod glowed magically in the dark before her. She was captivated by the lights, she really wanted the I-Pod so she took Santa's magic finger and tentatively started to lick it. On the first lick, she recoiled back in disgust and started spitting.Amy : "Ugh! Santa, your magic finger smells like pooh and tastes funny!"Santa : "Well my dear child, your brother just got his X-Box." ...and this from the guy who got niggled about a few prince philip gags. For shame Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dronskisaint Posted 29 December, 2011 Share Posted 29 December, 2011 Urgent message to all gingers considering a Brazilian Don't Too much like a fish-finger! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint since 52 Posted 29 December, 2011 Share Posted 29 December, 2011 As a fitting tribute to computer pioneer Steve Jobs ,I hear they were going to rename the Apple Store in Portsmouth and call it The Jobs Centre . However they feared the locals would be terrified to go anywhere near it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
timebomb Posted 7 January, 2012 Share Posted 7 January, 2012 On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant. "I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazy Diamond Posted 8 January, 2012 Share Posted 8 January, 2012 I'm not saying you're a slut, but if your vagina had a password, it would be 'password' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dronskisaint Posted 10 January, 2012 Share Posted 10 January, 2012 Paddy told his wife he was getting a burning sensation in his anus and didn't know what it was 'Ring sting?' she suggested 'What the fuc* will he know' said Paddy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Easty Posted 11 January, 2012 Share Posted 11 January, 2012 Last nite the Mrs said to me "if u turn off the bedside lamp I'll take it up the arse" With hindsight I spose I should've waited for the bulb to cool down first.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingeletiss Posted 11 January, 2012 Share Posted 11 January, 2012 When I heard that Stephen Hawking had reached 70, I thought "f**k me, that's one powerful wheelchair." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 13 January, 2012 Share Posted 13 January, 2012 A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. To check it out, she went to the Wall, and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. "Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name? "Morris Feinberg," he replied. "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall to pray?" "For about 60 years." "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims." "I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop." "I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man." "And how do you feel Sir, after doing this for 60 years?" "It's like talking to a f...g brick wall." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dronskisaint Posted 17 January, 2012 Share Posted 17 January, 2012 Bloke rings up a model shop and asks if they have an Airfix model of an Italian cruise liner... 'Yes we have - just the one left actually' came the reply 'Great' he says 'Can you put it on one side for me?' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tpbury Posted 17 January, 2012 Share Posted 17 January, 2012 Bloke rings up a model shop and asks if they have an Airfix model of an Italian cruise liner... 'Yes we have - just the one left actually' came the reply 'Great' he says 'Can you put it on one side for me?' Facrissakes, do you ever say 'put it on ONE side'? No, you don't, you say 'put it on THE side'. Your crap joke fails on many levels. However, consider it fixed. I don't know why this is important to me at this moment int time, so, apologies..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 17 January, 2012 Share Posted 17 January, 2012 Bloke rings up a model shop and asks if they have an Airfix model of an Italian cruise liner... 'Yes we have - just the one left actually' came the reply 'Great' he says 'Can you put that on hold for me please, I'll come in tomorrow with the money." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dronskisaint Posted 17 January, 2012 Share Posted 17 January, 2012 Facrissakes, do you ever say 'put it on ONE side'? No, you don't, you say 'put it on THE side'. Your crap joke fails on many levels. However, consider it fixed. I don't know why this is important to me at this moment int time, so, apologies..... It's called poetic license but I really, really hope your day gets better... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tpbury Posted 17 January, 2012 Share Posted 17 January, 2012 Bloke rings up a model shop and asks if they have an Airfix model of an Italian cruise liner... 'Yes we have - just the one left actually' came the reply 'Great' he says 'Can you put that on hold for me please, I'll come in tomorrow with the money." Facrissakes, do you ever say 'put that on hold'? No, you don't, you say 'hold that for me'. Your version of the crap joke fails on many levels. However, consider it fixed. I don't know why this is important to me at this moment in time, so, apologies...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tpbury Posted 17 January, 2012 Share Posted 17 January, 2012 No, it's called a fail. ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notnowcato Posted 17 January, 2012 Share Posted 17 January, 2012 Sorry, Airfix only do the Titanic model for passenger ferries, no Italian ones. Back to the drawing board I'm afraid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 17 January, 2012 Share Posted 17 January, 2012 Bloke rings up a model shop and asks if they have an Airfix model of an Italian cruise liner... 'No, Airfix only do the Titanic model for passenger ferries, no Italian ones,' came the reply 'Oh dear' he says 'Never mind then." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dronskisaint Posted 17 January, 2012 Share Posted 17 January, 2012 No, it's called a fail. ;-) Bad time of the month? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lets B Avenue Posted 17 January, 2012 Share Posted 17 January, 2012 Facrissakes, do you ever say 'put that on hold'? No, you don't, you say 'hold that for me'. Your version of the crap joke fails on many levels. However, consider it fixed. I don't know why this is important to me at this moment in time, so, apologies...... I thought the phrase was "put it to one side". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notnowcato Posted 17 January, 2012 Share Posted 17 January, 2012 I thought the phrase was "put it to one side". Surely to remove all ambiguity the caller should request for the Airfix Italian ferry, even though Airfix do not have such a product, to be "reserved" and to inform the model shop representative when the potential buyer will "collect and pay" for the non-existing product. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 17 January, 2012 Share Posted 17 January, 2012 Bloke rings up a model shop and asks if they have an Airfix model of an Italian cruise liner... 'No, Airfix only do the Titanic model for passenger ferries, no Italian ones,' came the reply 'Oh dear' he says 'But if Airfix did manufacture such a product and if you had one in stock, would you understand me if I asked for it to be put it on one side for me?' 'You mean for it to be reserved so you can collect and pay at a later date?' 'Yes.' 'Well you can't. They don't make one.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 17 January, 2012 Share Posted 17 January, 2012 I think we're pretty near perfecting dronskisaints joke now, but I'm worried possibly in our efforts to achieve greater realism we may have left some of the hilarity behind? Perhaps one or two of you could try regailing your friends and family with it tonight and let me know exactly how side-splitting they found it, and then we can make further improvements if necessary tomorrow. Kind regards, Bearsy xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buctootim Posted 17 January, 2012 Share Posted 17 January, 2012 Heard the one about the joker, the pedant and the **** taker on the web forum? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 17 January, 2012 Share Posted 17 January, 2012 OMG I just tried it out! It went brilliant! I phoned a model shop in town: ME: Hello! Do you do Airfix? SHOPKEEP: Yes. ME: Do you do Airfix ships? SK: Yes. ME: Are any of them passenger ships? SK: I'm not sure. ME: Are they Italian? SK: I don't think so, no. ME: But I could paint an Italian flag on thes side couldn't I? SK: Okay... ME: (Barely concealing mirth) Can you... Can you put one on side for me? SK: Err, yeah ok. ME: Have you done it? SK: What? ME: Do you watch the news? SK: #Hangs up# Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JonnyLove Posted 17 January, 2012 Share Posted 17 January, 2012 Divers searching the stricken cruise ship have found two scousers still in the bar. They've told the divers to f**k off,they're all Inclusive... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 18 January, 2012 Share Posted 18 January, 2012 I was. Told the sickest joke ever today. Horrible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 18 January, 2012 Share Posted 18 January, 2012 I've just failed a Health and Safety course at work. One of the questions was in the event of a fire what steps would you take? Apparently, fecking big ones was the wrong answer! ............................................................................................................ A Black gent goes to the doctors and states, "Every time i have sex with a white woman my eyes begin to sting!" The doctor thinks briefly and says, "That'll be the pepper spray". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JonnyLove Posted 18 January, 2012 Share Posted 18 January, 2012 I was. Told the sickest joke ever today. Horrible. Go On. Or at least send a PM Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jjsaint Posted 18 January, 2012 Share Posted 18 January, 2012 I was. Told the sickest joke ever today. Horrible. Give us a clue at least... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wadge Posted 18 January, 2012 Share Posted 18 January, 2012 I was. Told the sickest joke ever today. Horrible. Tease Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notnowcato Posted 18 January, 2012 Share Posted 18 January, 2012 I was watching the news about the stricken cruise ship when the Sky News presenter said, "She's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court." I just happened to glance over at the wife on the sofa and now it's all kicked off here! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tpbury Posted 19 January, 2012 Share Posted 19 January, 2012 OMG I just tried it out! It went brilliant! I phoned a model shop in town: ME: Hello! Do you do Airfix? SHOPKEEP: Yes. ME: Do you do Airfix ships? SK: Yes. ME: Are any of them passenger ships? SK: I'm not sure. ME: Are they Italian? SK: I don't think so, no. ME: But I could paint an Italian flag on thes side couldn't I? SK: Okay... ME: (Barely concealing mirth) Can you... Can you put one on side for me? SK: Err, yeah ok. ME: Have you done it? SK: What? ME: Do you watch the news? SK: #Hangs up# Look, were you purposely ambiguous in your use of the expression in dispute? FFS, no one ever says 'put one on side'. Either revise your transcript to let us know whether 'put one on the side', or whatever was said, or phone Beatties or someone again. (Not James, unless 'on side' in a footballing sense). I've spent a hard day analysing data today, and now this seems like work. Tscheesch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 20 January, 2012 Share Posted 20 January, 2012 Liverpool sign a new striker from Nigeria. On the first day of training Kenny Dalglish picks up a ball and says "BALL..." then he does a kicking motion and says, "KICK..." Then he points to the goal and says "GOAL-UNDERSTAND? KICK, BALL, GOAL,...GOOOOAAAL!" The Nigerian says "Excuse me Mr Dalglish, but i speak perfectly good English..." Dalglish says "Sit down son, I'm talking to Andy Carroll..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Easty Posted 22 January, 2012 Share Posted 22 January, 2012 A man goes to the doctor complaining of voices coming from his underpants. The doctor says "ignore them, they're talking ******." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 24 January, 2012 Share Posted 24 January, 2012 George Michael has sympathised with the captain of the stricken Italian liner saying "I'm often left abandoned, lying on my side and with a badly damaged bottom after a nights cruising" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
qwertySFC Posted 26 January, 2012 Share Posted 26 January, 2012 Wife got home early and caught me drying my c88k with the hair dryer - what you doing she asked - I said I'm just warming up your dinner Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 27 January, 2012 Share Posted 27 January, 2012 NEWS FLASHES* 1. Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove... 2. A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related... 3. Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8... 4. I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency... 5. The lead actor in the local Pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
svetigpung Posted 27 January, 2012 Share Posted 27 January, 2012 Upwind , these were brilliant. Thinking of using them this weekend. Can you put them on one side for me? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 30 January, 2012 Share Posted 30 January, 2012 Liverpool sign a new striker from Nigeria. On the first day of training Kenny Dalglish picks up a ball and says "BALL..." then he does a kicking motion and says, "KICK..." Then he points to the goal and says "GOAL-UNDERSTAND? KICK, BALL, GOAL,...GOOOOAAAL!" The Nigerian says "Excuse me Mr Dalglish, but i speak perfectly good English..." Dalglish says "Sit down son, I'm talking to Andy Carroll..." I sent this to a mate in liverpool, his reply was: The second part of war horse is being filmed at Anfield, it's called the cart horse Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jjsaint Posted 30 January, 2012 Share Posted 30 January, 2012 Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8... Took me a while before I understood this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 30 January, 2012 Share Posted 30 January, 2012 The lead actor in the local Pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him. also, his agency did ask the actor if he would like Aladdin. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Easty Posted 30 January, 2012 Share Posted 30 January, 2012 Took the wife dogging last night,.......NEVER EVER AGAIN.........by the time she finished parking everyone else had F***D OFF........... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 31 January, 2012 Share Posted 31 January, 2012 So SHE took you dogging then? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
supersonic Posted 1 February, 2012 Share Posted 1 February, 2012 I've recently had to spend the weekend in a different town due to work commitments and lack of transport etc anyway 12noon saturday and I decided to take a walk to the local pub. Walked in and the barman said to me "Can I get you a drink sir?" to which I replied "Pint of lager please" after pouring the drink he placed it upon the bar and said "that's £2.70 please mate" I was shocked and stood my ground "£2.70? I'm not paying for that, I came in here and you asked me if I wanted a drink, not if I wanted to buy a drink!" The barman was angry "It doesn't work like that, £2.70 please" Then, a gentleman sat in the corner came to the bar and said "I'm a lawyer and he's right, you asked him for a drink so he can't pay for it" anyway, I spent the rest of the day going around all the different pubs in the town doing this trick, when at the end of the night I ended up strolling back into the first pub. "I'm not having you in here after you cost me a pint last time" the barman shouted at me. Confused, I said "Who? Me? I haven't been in here all day mate, you must be getting confused!" The barman responded: "Ah, well you must have a double then!" "why thank you Mr. Barman, mine's a double JD and coke" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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