Jump to content

TSM Crap Joke Suppository....

Redbul

By Redbul
in The Muppet Show

 Share

Recommended Posts

Bearsy

Bearsy

Posted
Posted
Dreadful - not even a little bit funny

 

Bit close to home probably. Hit me with one of your side-splitters then Pedro, I'm happy to be educated.

Saint_Pedro

Saint_Pedro

Posted
Posted

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I seem to have a small lump under my chin."

The doctor says, "Hmmm, do you masturbate a lot?"

The man says, "Er...yes I do."

To which the doctor replies, "F*ckin' great isn't it!"

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted
Bit close to home probably. Hit me with one of your side-splitters then Pedro, I'm happy to be educated.

 

Thats a bit harsh. I'm sure they're very nice girls.

1976_Child

1976_Child

Posted
Posted
IF "David Cameron" is the answer

 

How fu--ing stupid was the question???

 

That is not funny. That is Dunist.

 

Don't discriminate against Dune. No matter how much you disagree with the right-wing-fascist-closet-homo it is not right to make fun of his pin-up.

Sevvy

Sevvy

Posted
Posted

IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 1

 

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece. She said, 'You gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'

She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.'

The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change..

 

Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's.

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 2

 

We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two..'

 

We haven't used Garagedoor repair since. Happened in Moor Park , near Watford .

 

IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 3

 

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

 

Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire.

 

IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 4

 

My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.

 

From South Oxhey , Hertfordshire.

 

IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 5

 

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

 

Happened at Luton Airport.

 

IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 6

 

The traffic light on the corner buzzes when it's on red and safe to cross the road. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine.

She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

 

She is a Local County Council employee in Harrow , Middlesex.

 

IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 7

 

When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our Car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the Driver's door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door Handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'its open!'

His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.'

 

This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans , Hertfordshire.

 

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us...

ericofarabia

ericofarabia

Posted
Posted
IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 1

 

Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's.

 

IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 2

 

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two..'

 

IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 3

 

Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

 

IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 4

 

My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.

 

IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 5

 

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

 

IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 6

 

The traffic light on the corner buzzes when it's on red and safe to cross the road. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine.

She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

 

IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 7

 

When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our Car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the Driver's door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door Handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'its open!'

His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.'

 

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us...

 

Even more scary is that they all probably post on here :facepalm:

 

PS by joining No 3 and No 6 .. you could have used the old No Eyed Dear punch line.

Bearsy

Bearsy

Posted
Posted

I desperately needed a dump on the train today but the toilet was out of order, so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.

 

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"

Sevvy

Sevvy

Posted
Posted

An American serviceman from a unit stationed somewhere at a base in Scotland went astray when returning to his barracks.

 

Wandering aimlessly on a lonely road he at last met with another human – a Highlander.

 

“Gosh, pal!” exclaimed the Ame...rican. “I’m lost.”

 

“Is there a reward out for ye?” inquired the Scot.

 

“Why, no.”

 

“Well,” remarked the Scotsman, walking on, “ye’re still lost.”

 

 

The Movie Test

 

This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be "Star Wars". I was surprised how this worked. Be honest and don't look at the movie list till you have done the maths!

 

Try this test and find out what movie is your favourite. This amazing maths quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how, but it really works!

 

 

Movie Test:

 

Pick a number from 1-9.

 

Multiply by 3.

 

Add 3.

 

Multiply by 3 again.

 

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favourite movie in the list of 18 movies below.

 

Movie List:

 

 

1. Gone With The Wind

2. E.T.

3. Beverly Hills Cop

4. Star Wars

5. Forrest Gump

6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

7. Jaws

8. Grease

9. The Joys of @nal Sex With A Goat

10. Casablanca

11. Jurassic Park

12. Shrek

13. Pirates of the Caribbean

14. Titanic

15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark

16. Home Alone

17. Mrs. Doubtfire

18. Toy Story

Hamilton Saint

Hamilton Saint

Posted
Posted
What does Haile Selassie say when he leaves a party?

 

...

 

Abyssinia !!

 

 

In 1968 Harold Wilson made a trip to North Africa, visiting several African leaders: one was Haile Selassie; one was Fairly Selassie; and one wasn't Selassie at all.

hamster

hamster

Posted
Posted

Our local priest was telling me how he raised almost a hundred quid for Children in Need last week. He let local kids shave his hair off. "It feels a bit starnge" he told me "but it really makes my cock look a lot bigger don't you think?"

 

 

 

 

As we are moving to a small cottage mrs h has had to downsize her wardrobe.

She called me upstairs to ask what she should do with her wedding dress. "Well, you're not going to need it again and although it's over 20 years old and doesn't fit you any more, if you want to keep it for sentimental reasons then I think you should" I told her.

 

Five minutes later she calls me upstairs again excitedly telling me that sh'ed found something from before we were married that still fits. She was not best pleased when I laughingly said "It's a ****ing scarf you dozy wazzock"

niceandfriendly

niceandfriendly

Posted
Posted

Man goes to the doctors to get some test results. Doc says "Right, well I have good news and bad news. The bad news is you've got cancer." "What's the good news?" the man replies. "Well, did you see the hot blonde on Reception?" "Yes." "I'm f*cking her".

alpine_saint

alpine_saint

Posted
Posted
Just to tidy up all the joke threads so there is a one stop shop for all your crap one liners and SMS joke needs....

 

Here's one to get the ball rolling:

 

Little girl is in the garden with her Dad and she asks "Is that a Mummy-Longlegs underneath that Daddy-Longlegs?"

Dad says "No Sweetie, there are no Mummy-Longlegs, only Daddy-Longlegs."

Dad felt very proud of her inquisitive mind until she stamps on them both saying "We'll have none of that gay sh*t in our f***ing garden!"

 

Shouldnt it be "repository" or was the thread title getting the ball rolling ?

RonManager

RonManager

Posted
Posted
In 1968 Harold Wilson made a trip to North Africa, visiting several African leaders: one was Haile Selassie; one was Fairly Selassie; and one wasn't Selassie at all.

 

Haile Unlikely.

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted
Shouldnt it be "repository" or was the thread title getting the ball rolling ?

 

It was a typo. The OP got confused as he had just seen his proctologist when he posted this thread. Nice bloke, if youre in the area look him up :)

Durleyfos

Durleyfos

Posted
Posted

I was watching IACGMEOH last night when Fatima Whitbread changed into a tiny bikini, started washing her masculine body with her big strong arms.

 

I thought to myself "don't get an erection...don't get an erection..."

 

But she did.

saintbletch

saintbletch

Posted
Posted
I was watching IACGMEOH last night when Fatima Whitbread changed into a tiny bikini, started washing her masculine body with her big strong arms.

 

I thought to myself "don't get an erection...don't get an erection..."

 

But she did.

 

Very good. Reminded me of this one from my youth...

 

Fatima Whitbread goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, I'm a little concerned as I've got hair growing on my chest. It started off fine and downy but now it's becoming coarse and wiry."

 

The doctor thought for a while and asked "How far down does the hair go".

 

Fatima replied "All the way to my b0llocks".

Upwind

Upwind

Posted
Posted

or.......

 

Fatima Whitbread has been arrested at Heathrow airport after she apparently attempted to smuggle two pounds of crack into the country..........

tpbury

tpbury

Posted
Posted
Very good. Reminded me of this one from my youth...

 

Fatima Whitbread goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, I'm a little concerned as I've got hair growing on my chest. It started off fine and downy but now it's becoming coarse and wiry."

 

The doctor thought for a while and asked "How far down does the hair go".

 

Fatima replied "All the way to my b0llocks".

 

Ha! I remember creasing up at that. But I also did at the Ethiopian / Pakistani jokes around at the time, or just before. My, how we have grown up!

Easty

Easty

Posted
Posted

I was sitting on the edge of the bed last night, pulling off my boxers when the mrs said to me "Please don't do that to the dogs"! :-)

Dog

Dog

Posted
Posted

An Italian was in court accused of rape.

 

The Judge asked him to give an account of what happened.

 

' Well,I took offa my shirt,she took offa her shirt.

 

I took offa my pants ,she took offa her pants. '

 

' I understand, ' said the judge ' but was there consent. '

 

' Si, ' said the Italian excitedly, ' there wasa cu.nt scent on my moustache,there wasa cu.nt scent on my fingers,there wasa cu.nt scent everywhere. '

Seaford Saint

Seaford Saint

Posted
Posted

A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing. I said Yes but what would I get in return.

 

She said I could play with her breasts.

 

I thought…That’s Fair….Tit for Tat.

ecuk268

ecuk268

Posted
Posted (edited)

I see that the Dorset Dyslexic Society are commemorating the 70th anniversary of the Japanese attack on Poole Harbour.

Edited by ecuk268
Upwind

Upwind

Posted
Posted

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60 year old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out. "Ah, that's nothing" said the 70 year old, "When you are 70 you don't have bowel movement anymore, you take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!" "Actually" said the 80 year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all". "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60 year old. "No, I have one every morning at 6.00. I pee like a racehorse - no problem at all. "So do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6.30 – regular as clockwork". Exasperated, the 60 year old asks, "So you pee every morning at 6.00 and take a dump at 6.30 - what's so bad about being 80?" The eighty year old replies "I don't wake up until 7.00".

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted
Tampax have announced that they are replacing the cord on their tampons with a piece of tinsel.

 

For the Christmas period only.

 

:lol:

 

 

 

On that note, how do you put out a burning Kotex?

 

 

 

 

.......throw it on the floor and tampon it

sotonswan

sotonswan

Posted
Posted

In 1872 the Welsh invented the condom, using a sheep's lower intestine. ..

 

 

In 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the sheep first.

100%Red&White

100%Red&White

Posted
Posted

A skate bint went down to Social Services to get yet more benefits.

 

The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle and Kyle” she answered.

 

"They're all named Kyle?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'Kyle,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'Kyle, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted
A Higgs boson walks into a church. The priest says, “We don’t allow Higgs bosons in here.” The Higgs boson replies, “But if I’m not here, how will you have Mass?”

 

:facepalm:

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...