Doctoroncall Posted 5 October, 2011 Share Posted 5 October, 2011 Argon walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here!" Argon doesn't react. Why do nerds always get Halloween and Christmas confused? Because OCT 31 = DEC 25. Werner Heisenberg is driving home from the lab one night and he gets pulled over by a policeman, who asks him "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?". "No", replies Heisenberg, "but i know exactly where i am". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doctoroncall Posted 5 October, 2011 Share Posted 5 October, 2011 A Higgs Boson walks into a catholic church and sits down at a pew. The priest's doing his rounds, and spots the hypothetical subatomic particle sitting at a pew. The priest says "Oi! You can't come in here. Subatomic particles don't have souls." The Higgs Boson replies, "Ah! But you can't have Mass without me". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doctoroncall Posted 5 October, 2011 Share Posted 5 October, 2011 And so it was to be, that after the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to "Go forth and multiply." The ark quickly emptied, except for two small snakes, who stayed behind. When Noah asked them why, they replied, "We can't multiply. We're adders." Noah, being the resourceful man he was, immediately got busy cutting down trees and building a large table with the unfinished lumber. The snakes were overjoyed when Noah picked them up and placed them on it. Noah and the snakes both knew that even adders could multiply on a log table. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carljack Posted 6 October, 2011 Share Posted 6 October, 2011 A Skate appears on Britains most embarresing bodies and is chuffed as Fook when he finds out the Rash all around his cock is infact his Sisters Lipstick. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carljack Posted 6 October, 2011 Share Posted 6 October, 2011 Two Skate schoolboys discussing whos Dad is the biggest coward,one reckons its his because whenever there is Thunder and Lightning his Dad jumps under the bed,thats fook all says the other boy when the lights go out in our house my Dad jumps into bed with my sister! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 6 October, 2011 Share Posted 6 October, 2011 A Skate appears on Britains most embarresing bodies and is chuffed as Fook when he finds out the Rash all around his cock is infact his Sisters Lipstick. Two Skate schoolboys discussing whos Dad is the biggest coward,one reckons its his because whenever there is Thunder and Lightning his Dad jumps under the bed,thats fook all says the other boy when the lights go out in our house my Dad jumps into bed with my sister! Oof. Harsh but fair. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hutch Posted 7 October, 2011 Share Posted 7 October, 2011 The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history". Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he said. 'Very good!' Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?' Again, no response except from Little Hodiaki, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'. 'Excellent!', said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...' Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?' Once again, Hodiaki's was the only hand in the air and he said: 'John F. Kennedy, 1961'. The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodiaki isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.' She heard a loud whisper: 'F . . k the Japs,' 'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded. Little Hodiaki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.' At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.' The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?' Again, Little Hodiaki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.' Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!' Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!' Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.' The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh ****, We're screwed!' Little Hodiaki said quietly, 'Steve Cotterill, 2011..' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teddy Nutkins Posted 7 October, 2011 Share Posted 7 October, 2011 The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 7 October, 2011 Share Posted 7 October, 2011 Wayne Rooney has apologised to fans for getting sent off in the 32nd minute of tonight's game. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MongoNeil Posted 8 October, 2011 Share Posted 8 October, 2011 Wayne Rooney has apologised to fans for getting sent off in the 32nd minute of tonight's game. Can I have tonight's lottery numbers please...? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Easty Posted 10 October, 2011 Share Posted 10 October, 2011 Marriage is like a deck of cards. . . In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a ****ing club and a spade! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trader Posted 10 October, 2011 Share Posted 10 October, 2011 Paul McCartney is really upset with his new wife, apparently she is spending twice as much on shoes as the last one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lighthouse Posted 10 October, 2011 Share Posted 10 October, 2011 I've got a plan to teach my dog to swallow semen. It's coming on a treat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doctoroncall Posted 11 October, 2011 Share Posted 11 October, 2011 Two cats on a sloping roof, which one falls off first? The one with the lower mew. The waiter brought me a plate with 2 dots on it. I said 'No, you fool - I asked for an omlette!' All day I've been trying to work out what a void consists of....i've given up. Ah well no matter. Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 11 October, 2011 Share Posted 11 October, 2011 New french cafe round the corner from us, went their for a fry up this morning. Went for the mega breakfast. When it turns up I was impressed; 3 sausages, 3 bits of toast, 4 rashers of bacon, great big portion of baked beans and 1 egg. 1 egg! I thought. "garcon" I shouts "how about another egg mate, I loves me fried eggs to dip me toast in. merci boucoup" "non monsieur, 1 egg is un ouef" he says and walks away with a shrug, typical french person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 12 October, 2011 Author Share Posted 12 October, 2011 Those Russian dolls are really full of themselves.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 14 October, 2011 Share Posted 14 October, 2011 I hate my job. All I do all day is crush soft drink cans. It's soda pressing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lettuce Posted 14 October, 2011 Share Posted 14 October, 2011 Bought the new Carlos Tevez "Grestest Goals" DVD but it wouldn't play. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1976_Child Posted 14 October, 2011 Share Posted 14 October, 2011 What does a vicar in a salad church say? Lettuce pray. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tpbury Posted 15 October, 2011 Share Posted 15 October, 2011 Droncall - very impressed with the nerd jokes. Can you explain the 'two dots' one? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 15 October, 2011 Share Posted 15 October, 2011 http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Umlaut Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 15 October, 2011 Share Posted 15 October, 2011 http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Umlaut Is it really worth the effort? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dubai_phil Posted 17 October, 2011 Share Posted 17 October, 2011 GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN & A MAN... Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful! Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe - well-developed and open to trade, especially for something of real value. Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece - gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain - with a glorious and all-conquering past. Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada - cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people. After 70, she becomes Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge. THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN... Between 13 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by a couple of nuts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FloridaMarlin Posted 18 October, 2011 Share Posted 18 October, 2011 Is it true that accidents involving ice cream vans cause the loss of hundreds and thousands every year? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dubai_phil Posted 19 October, 2011 Share Posted 19 October, 2011 October 18, 2011 A Letter from Goldman Sachs Concerning Occupy Wall Street Dear Investor: Up until now, Goldman Sachs has been silent on the subject of the protest movement known as Occupy Wall Street. That does not mean, however, that it has not been very much on our minds. As thousands have gathered in Lower Manhattan, passionately expressing their deep discontent with the status quo, we have taken note of these protests. And we have asked ourselves this question: How can we make money off them? The answer is the newly launched Goldman Sachs Global Rage Fund, whose investment objective is to monetize the Occupy Wall Street protests as they spread around the world. At Goldman, we recognize that the capitalist system as we know it is circling the drain – but there’s plenty of money to be made on the way down. The Rage Fund will seek out opportunities to invest in products that are poised to benefit from the spreading protests, from police batons and barricades to stun guns and forehead bandages. Furthermore, as clashes between police and protesters turn ever more violent, we are making significant bets on companies that manufacture replacements for broken windows and overturned cars, as well as the raw materials necessary for the construction and incineration of effigies. It would be tempting, at a time like this, to say “Let them eat cake.” But at Goldman, we are actively seeking to corner the market in cake futures. We project that through our aggressive market manipulation, the price of a piece of cake will quadruple by the end of 2011. Please contact your Goldman representative for a full prospectus. As the world descends into a Darwinian free-for-all, the Goldman Sachs Rage Fund is a great way to tell the protesters, “Occupy this.” We haven’t felt so good about something we’ve sold since our souls. Sincerely, Lloyd Blankfein Chairman, Goldman Sachs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint since 52 Posted 19 October, 2011 Share Posted 19 October, 2011 Note: Temp quoted in Fahrenheit -just in case the metricists among you start getting upset! 40 degrees -Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Scotland sunbathe. 35 degrees -Italian cars won't start. People in Scotland drive with the top down. 20 degrees -Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats. People in Scotland go out in only a T -shirt. 15 degrees -Californians begin to evacuate the state. People in Scotland go swimming in the sea. 0 degrees -New York landlords turn the heat on. People in Scotland have a last bar-b-q before it gets cold. -10 degrees -People in Miami are extinct. People in Scotland throw on a light jacket. -80 degrees -Polar bears begin to evacuate the Artic. Scottish Boy Scouts postpone winter survival exercise until it gets cold enough. -100 degrees -Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. People in Scotland wear a vest and pull down their ear flaps. -173 degrees -Ethyl alcohol freezes. People in Scotland are angry 'cos they can't thaw their whisky barrels. -297 degrees -Microbial life starts to grind to a halt. Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands. -460 degrees -ALL atomic motion stops. People in Scotland start saying “A bit hill billy eh?” -500 degrees -Hell freezes over. Scottish people support England in the World Cup!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doctoroncall Posted 20 October, 2011 Share Posted 20 October, 2011 Droncall - very impressed with the nerd jokes. Everyone at my work mocks me for being a nerd, but tomorrow I'm going to bring a lump of coal in and show them what I'm really made of. . Who was the leader of the pedants' revolt? Which Tyler. . . A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to a western country. They drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft. He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!" The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple pole in a complex plane." Einstein's girlfriend walked up to him and exclaimed ''I need two things from you, time and space.'' He looked at her inquiringly and asked ''What's the second thing?'' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 20 October, 2011 Share Posted 20 October, 2011 Everyone at my work mocks me for being a nerd, but tomorrow I'm going to bring a lump of coal in and show them what I'm really made of. . Who was the leader of the pedants' revolt? Which Tyler. . . A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to a western country. They drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft. He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!" The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple pole in a complex plane." Einstein's girlfriend walked up to him and exclaimed ''I need two things from you, time and space.'' He looked at her inquiringly and asked ''What's the second thing?'' Congratulations on entering into the true spirit of this thread title. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doctoroncall Posted 21 October, 2011 Share Posted 21 October, 2011 Congratulations on entering into the true spirit of this thread title. I worked hard to keep the jokes in the spirit of the title and left a few out which fell well below that measure (unlike phil) ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OldNick Posted 21 October, 2011 Share Posted 21 October, 2011 Police fired three shots during the disturbances at Dale Farm They are delighted to have gone home with a goldfish a cuddly toy and a blown up hammer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingeletiss Posted 21 October, 2011 Share Posted 21 October, 2011 Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke up this morning with a huge correction. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seaford Saint Posted 21 October, 2011 Share Posted 21 October, 2011 I think it relates to german. The umlaut are 2 dots above a u Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tpbury Posted 26 October, 2011 Share Posted 26 October, 2011 http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Umlaut herzlichen gedanke, dass hab ik nicht gedacht Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tpbury Posted 26 October, 2011 Share Posted 26 October, 2011 Everyone at my work mocks me for being a nerd, but tomorrow I'm going to bring a lump of coal in and show them what I'm really made of. . Who was the leader of the pedants' revolt? Which Tyler. . . A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to a western country. They drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft. He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!" The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple pole in a complex plane." Einstein's girlfriend walked up to him and exclaimed ''I need two things from you, time and space.'' He looked at her inquiringly and asked ''What's the second thing?'' Now you're going to have to explain poles and planes. It's not that having to explain a joke is a bad thing in itself, just that I don't even know what subject area this is - physics? Medicine / engineering? Proto joke: What links Graham Norton to Gadaffi? Mwumwhar. Please develop. I'm still satisfied with the joke I made up aged 12, posted at least 3 times by me. Escaped schizophreic / disparate man theme. Someday, someone will smile wryly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
timebomb Posted 26 October, 2011 Share Posted 26 October, 2011 Now you're going to have to explain poles and planes. It's not that having to explain a joke is a bad thing in itself, just that I don't even know what subject area this is - physics? Medicine / engineering? Quote: In the mathematical field of complex analysis, a pole of a meromorphic function is a certain type of singularity that behaves like the singularity of at z = 0. This means that, in particular, a pole of the function f(z) is a point a such that f(z) approaches infinity as z approaches a. I didn't understand it before reading this or after! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dog Posted 26 October, 2011 Share Posted 26 October, 2011 What do Colonel Gadaffi & Freddie Mercury have in common? They both died after being shot up the sewage pipe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quickfire Double Posted 26 October, 2011 Share Posted 26 October, 2011 I'm still satisfied with the joke I made up aged 12, posted at least 3 times by me. Escaped schizophreic / disparate man theme. Someday, someone will smile wryly. I hereby bestow upon the "disparate man" joke a wry smile of appreciation: it did make me chortle to myself first time round...! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 27 October, 2011 Share Posted 27 October, 2011 Old retired sailor heads down to pompey docks, for old times sake he finds a prostitute and goes back to hers. He gets at it as best as he can for his age, after a few minutes he gasps "how am I doing?" Prossie says "well youre doing about three knots". He says "three knots? what does that mean?" She says "youre knot hard, youre knot in, and youre knot getting your money back" Before anyone complains, this is knot aimed at delldays Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sevvy Posted 27 October, 2011 Share Posted 27 October, 2011 Childbirth at 65 Too good not to pass on, Enjoy !!! Another great one! With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth.... When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit. 'May I see the new baby?' I asked 'Not yet ,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can chat for a while first.' Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?' 'No, not yet,' She said. After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?' 'No, not yet,' replied my friend. Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?' 'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me. 'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?' 'BECAUSE I FORGET WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!' I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents, we had a lovely evening and after she'd gone, my Dad leaned over and said "Son, I think this one's a keeper." "Awww Dad, what makes you say that?" "She smells of elephant sh1t." There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my god he's gorgeous! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde then replies "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
holepuncture Posted 28 October, 2011 Share Posted 28 October, 2011 Ashley Cole, Bosingwa, Malouda, Obe Mikel, Sturridge, Anelka, Essien, Ramires, Drogba, Kalou... Now affectionately know as Terry's Chocolates... (I dont get the joke, maybe some on here might!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teddy Nutkins Posted 28 October, 2011 Share Posted 28 October, 2011 (edited) Went to bed with two Thai girls last night---it was like winning the lottery! We had 6 matching balls. Edited 31 October, 2011 by Teddy Nutkins Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 28 October, 2011 Share Posted 28 October, 2011 Ashley Cole, Bosingwa, Malouda, Obe Mikel, Sturridge, Anelka, Essien, Ramires, Drogba, Kalou... Now affectionately know as Terry's Chocolates... (I dont get the joke, maybe some on here might!) I like the disclaimer. Nice touch, that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tpbury Posted 30 October, 2011 Share Posted 30 October, 2011 Cheers, bud! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 3 November, 2011 Share Posted 3 November, 2011 now then, now then, hows about this then, hows about this weeks chart rundown. This weeks first non-mover is Jimmy Saville... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 5 November, 2011 Share Posted 5 November, 2011 I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the program's called Fact Hunt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Durleyfos Posted 10 November, 2011 Share Posted 10 November, 2011 I was in a bar in town and it was getting late - got talking to this lady who was id say in her early fifties, started to flirt with me and then asked me if I had even been with a mum and her daughter before. I said no and she stroked my leg and said would I like to.... I said hell yeah, so we got into a taxi and headed back to hers. Got to her house and we went inside and she stood in the hall and shouted "Mother Im home....." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 10 November, 2011 Share Posted 10 November, 2011 I can only **** the wife using a lubricant. About 8 pints normally. I've had many relationships with fat chicks. They never work out. Just been stopped in the street today by a Lady conducting a survey. She asked me what I knew about dwarfs. I said ''Very Little.'' For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian High Commission in London has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a:- A - Taxi licence in Manchester B - Convenience store in Bradford C- Service station in Birmingham D- Kebab shop in Newcastle E- Take away cafe in Leeds If there is nothing there, he must stay in India and take a job answering telephones giving technical advice to BT customers in UK. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1976_Child Posted 10 November, 2011 Share Posted 10 November, 2011 What does Haile Selassie say when he leaves a party? ... Abyssinia !! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 10 November, 2011 Share Posted 10 November, 2011 Someone just sent me a text and all it said was NBGA. I think it's bang out of order. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 10 November, 2011 Share Posted 10 November, 2011 I've had many relationships with fat chicks. They never work out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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