Upwind Posted 13 July, 2011 Posted 13 July, 2011 What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot? One's a marsupial and the other is a geordie who's stuck in the lift...
Lets B Avenue Posted 13 July, 2011 Posted 13 July, 2011 Met a girl in a pub last night and she said "Lets go outside and I'll show you a good time". We did and she ran the 100 metres in 9.8seconds.
Pat from Poole Posted 13 July, 2011 Posted 13 July, 2011 What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot? One's a marsupial and the other is a geordie who's stuck in the lift... I saw Angelos tell that joke at the O2 in Boscombe just before Christmas, he was very good.
Lets B Avenue Posted 14 July, 2011 Posted 14 July, 2011 Had a dream last night about Gloria Gaynor. First I was afraid.....
Saint_Pedro Posted 15 July, 2011 Posted 15 July, 2011 I found my dyslexic mate covering his d*ck with boot polish on the early hours of Sunday morning at the conclusion of daylight saving.. I said, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn you clock back!" A guy gets a call from the police telling his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, "I can't believe they f*cked my wife after only five cans!" Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while? My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring my c*ck. It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!" Was ****ging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have legged it - but you don't get offers like that every day. I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I ****ged a girl called Penny - spooky or what? The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?" Apparently "Only to stop myself coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.
hamster Posted 15 July, 2011 Posted 15 July, 2011 Was at it for almost an hour last night when the wife asked why it was taking so long? I can't think of anyone, I told her. Not clever.
Thedelldays Posted 16 July, 2011 Posted 16 July, 2011 What the similarity between Susan Boyle and a pack of tesco value sausages ? Neither get any meat inside them....
1976_Child Posted 17 July, 2011 Posted 17 July, 2011 Know any good jokes about Sodium? Na ****ing quality! Salt of earth.
1976_Child Posted 17 July, 2011 Posted 17 July, 2011 A guy meets a cute girl at a bar and strikes up a conversation. Many drinks and a long enjoyable evening later, he asks her to come back to his apartment. In no time, they are in the throws of passion, tearing off each others' clothes. His manhood at full attention, he has just her socks and panties to go before reaching the promised land. When he pulls off her socks he realizes that she is missing all 10 toes. She explains that she lost them after having been unprotected in freezing weather, and they were amputated due to frostbite. This immediately causes him to lose his erection and to have no desire to continue with his love making. No longer the least bit interested in continuing, he apologizes to her and rushes to get her dressed and out of his house. As she was a real beauty and he couldn't wait to mount her, the event really bothers him so he visits his doctor and relates what happened. Upon finishing his story, the doctor pats him on the shoulder and says "Nothing to fret about. It just appears that you are lack toes intolerant." That's not even a joke, just some crap to explain a poor pun. 0/10 for effort.
1976_Child Posted 17 July, 2011 Posted 17 July, 2011 Breaking news, serious explosion at the pie factory this morning. 3.1415927 dead. nice. very funny. 22/7 for effort, or there abouts
hamster Posted 17 July, 2011 Posted 17 July, 2011 Met a woman in a pub last night, dressed in black leather; boots, skirt and bikers jacket. One of my favourite looks. Got chatting and after whole plumped up the courage to ask her back to my gaff for a night of passion . "i cant, I'm on my menstrual cycle" she said. "thats mo problem" I told her, "i can follow you on my Honda" Boom tish
Thedelldays Posted 17 July, 2011 Posted 17 July, 2011 My mate said, "Funny how you never see white dog shyt anymore". I put him right and showed him a photo of Cher Lloyd.
Lets B Avenue Posted 17 July, 2011 Posted 17 July, 2011 Mate of mine has started drinking brake fluid. Says he can stop anytime.
Raging Bull Posted 18 July, 2011 Posted 18 July, 2011 What do you call a women who un-freezes cattle on cold frosty winter mornings Thora Hird
Thedelldays Posted 19 July, 2011 Posted 19 July, 2011 If Fatima has 5 packets of biscuits in one hand, and 6 packets in the other, what has she got? Diabetes...!!
scotty Posted 19 July, 2011 Posted 19 July, 2011 Headline in tomorrows Sun; "Rupert Murdoch Creampied".
ericofarabia Posted 21 July, 2011 Posted 21 July, 2011 The seabirds had a huge Rave up on the beach last night - There wasn't a tern left unstoned !!
scotty Posted 21 July, 2011 Posted 21 July, 2011 A mate told me he's been taking so many steroids he's grown an extra c*ck. I said "anabolic?", he said "no, just a c*ck."
Doctoroncall Posted 22 July, 2011 Posted 22 July, 2011 Breaking news... the Greek government has announced that it is ceasing all production of taramasalata and humous in an attempt to stop a double dip recession. and Greece needs to avoid a double dip recession as it's economy is in a mezze.
Tamesaint Posted 22 July, 2011 Posted 22 July, 2011 I warn you ... this is truely awful ..... Man knocks on door to deliver parts... "are you Nelson Mandela?" "yes" "I've got 500 Nissan Micra steering wheels here for you" Nelson reply's "I didn't want those but just leave them in a pile over there" Next day another man comes to the door... "are you Nelson Mandela?" "yes" "I've got 350 Nissan hub caps here for you" "I didn't want those but leave them with the steering wheels over there" The next day another man comes to the door... "are you Nelson Mandela?" "yes" "I've got 200 Nissan car seats for you here" "I didn't want those but leave them over there with the rest" The next day another man comes to the door... "are you Nelson Mandela?" "yes" "I've got 800 Nissan windscreen wiper blades for you here" Nelson reply's "let me have a look at that piece of paper... this is for "Nissan main dealer"!"
FloridaMarlin Posted 24 July, 2011 Posted 24 July, 2011 The Dalai Lama goes into Pizza Hut. "I'd like a pizza please" he says. "Certainly," says the waiter, "What sort of pizza wouls you like?" The Dalai Lama says: "Make me one with everything."
dronskisaint Posted 24 July, 2011 Posted 24 July, 2011 Before any of you sick b*ggers start sending Amy Winehouse jokes I just wanna say 'No, No, No....' My condolences to her dealer
skintsaint Posted 24 July, 2011 Posted 24 July, 2011 Before telling such sick and abusive jokes about Amy Winehouse, think about her poor close friends, imagine how they will feel on Tuesday when they wake up and find out.
scotty Posted 25 July, 2011 Posted 25 July, 2011 Elton John will perform at Amy Winehouse's funeral, with a rendition of "Candle under the spoon". And George Michael is considering singing "Shoot me up before you go go"
saint lard Posted 25 July, 2011 Posted 25 July, 2011 From hence forth i will be referring to my penis as my 'Amy Winehouse' It's addicted to crack.
dronskisaint Posted 26 July, 2011 Posted 26 July, 2011 Amy died doing what she loved most....smack Amy wanders through the Pearly Gates and bumps in to Princess Di. 'Wow' says Amy 'How come you've got a black halo?' 'Still stoned Amy?' came the reply 'It's a 'kin steering wheel!'
Upwind Posted 26 July, 2011 Posted 26 July, 2011 George Best and Alex Higgins are said to be over the moon !!! They've just heard there is a winehouse on its way to heaven
Sheaf Saint Posted 26 July, 2011 Posted 26 July, 2011 I went on one of those once in a lifetime holidays recently... Never again!
Redbul Posted 26 July, 2011 Author Posted 26 July, 2011 "what do we want?" "a cure for tourettes!" "when do we want it?" "c*nts!"
scotty Posted 26 July, 2011 Posted 26 July, 2011 "what do we want?" "a cure for tourettes!" "when do we want it?" "c*nts!" nice one
alehouseboys Posted 27 July, 2011 Posted 27 July, 2011 Ikea have started selling a new self-assembly bed just for lesbians. No screws, all tongue and groove.
Gigersaint Posted 27 July, 2011 Posted 27 July, 2011 Heard a rumour about some lesbian twins the other day... apparently they lick alike.
scotty Posted 27 July, 2011 Posted 27 July, 2011 Camping trip in Norway: cancelled. Amy Winehouse tickets: cancelled. Now I'm in hospital in Stockport because of the stress. Still, at least the nurse is nice, shes called Rebecca and she's just changing my drip
Saint_Pedro Posted 28 July, 2011 Posted 28 July, 2011 I went to an open-air cafe today and it rained. It took me four hours to eat my soup Just buried a mate who died when he was hit on the head with a tennis ball. Very sad, but what a beautiful service The woman who botoxed her 8year old for beauty pageants lost custody. The child didn't look surprised. I bought one of those beaded seat covers for my car. Massages you while you drive. It's good but it feels weird driving around naked Anypne seen ky readimg gasses?
lettuce Posted 30 July, 2011 Posted 30 July, 2011 Jimmy Saville got stuck in a time-machine... now then, now then, now then...
scotty Posted 30 July, 2011 Posted 30 July, 2011 I warn you now, this is truly appalling. Asian guy just moved in next door. He's travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed all the highest mountains. Nice chap, his name is Bindair Dundat. well, this is the crap joke thread.....
Seaford Saint Posted 2 August, 2011 Posted 2 August, 2011 Two parrots sitting on a perch. One said to the other "Can you smell fish" ?
hamster Posted 2 August, 2011 Posted 2 August, 2011 Two mice in an airing cupboard. Which one is un the army? The one on the tank of course. Mickey Mouse visits his solicitor and tells him he wants a divorce from Minnie Mouse. Solicitor tells Mickey that he needs 'grounds' for a divorce. After Mickey tells the solicitor his reason for wanting the divorce the solicitor informs him that, in his professional opinion, there is no way a court will grant a divorce just because his wife has bucked teeth. "I didn't say she had bucked teeth, I said she is f[]cking Goofy"
dronskisaint Posted 3 August, 2011 Posted 3 August, 2011 Why is divorce so expensive? Because - it's worth it! Dead rat in the road...couple of hundred yards further on a dead lawyer What's the difference? There are skid marks in front of the rat. Why don't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy
dronskisaint Posted 4 August, 2011 Posted 4 August, 2011 They say you are what you eat....I don't remember eating a tank?
Durleyfos Posted 5 August, 2011 Posted 5 August, 2011 My wife has left me because of my obsession with 'The Monkees' At first I thought she was kidding me. Then I saw her face...
Lets B Avenue Posted 5 August, 2011 Posted 5 August, 2011 I went out with my 21 year old girlfriend last night and the whole pub kept shouting "Paedo! Paedo!" at me. Ruined our 10th anniversary party.
Seaford Saint Posted 7 August, 2011 Posted 7 August, 2011 Does anyone else find the F5 button refreshing
Redbul Posted 8 August, 2011 Author Posted 8 August, 2011 New is breaking of a woman who wakns her victims to death. Police are warning the public to beware of this dangerous terror wrist.
Dog Posted 8 August, 2011 Posted 8 August, 2011 As my mouth slowly started to fill up with another man's cum I made a mental note to myself... Never go down on a girl from Pompey again.
dronskisaint Posted 8 August, 2011 Posted 8 August, 2011 I asked my mate 'What's your pet hate?' 'Having my K*ob up his a*se' came the reply...
scotty Posted 8 August, 2011 Posted 8 August, 2011 As my mouth slowly started to fill up with another man's cum I made a mental note to myself... Never go down on a girl from Pompey again. I'm horrified youd be licking out a skate piece in the first place.
Ampersound Posted 10 August, 2011 Posted 10 August, 2011 Spurs have just signed a new striker called Grabatelli
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