TSM Crap Joke Suppository....

[badgerx16]

Where do you go to learn to make ice cream ?

 

Sundae school.

[badgerx16]

( This is currently our 7 year old grandson's favourite joke )...….

Little Billy's teacher asks him why his maths answer says "10+10=11+11"

Billy answers "10 plus 10 equals 20, and 11 plus 11 equals 20 too".

[badgerx16]

2 blokes discussing their recently deceased mate;

"Shame about Stefan, but at least it was a natural death"

"What do you mean, he had a bloody great pole shoved up his arse"

"Well, it's natural that he's dead then".

[Saint in Paradise]

[Saint in Paradise]

[andypen]

I'm trying to remember the joke about a boomerang.

Never mind, I expect it'll come back to me.

(Jimmy Carr)

[badgerx16]

She wanted me to treat her like a princess, so I married her off to a stranger to strengthen an alliance with Poland.

[badgerx16]

3 expectant fathers are waiting in the delivery suite; one English, one Welsh, and one Pakistani. A doctor comes into the waiting room and announces that there has been a mixup with the babies and asks that the fathers go into the nursery to see if they can pick out any identifying features indicating which is their child. The englishman says he will go first, and after a couple of minutes comes back holding a baby with obviously darker skin.

"Hold on", says the Pakistani father, "that baby has much more in common with me than with you".

" I know", replies the Englishman, "but one of those 2 in there is Welsh, and I am not taking any chances".

[badgerx16]

 The difference between Gen Z and Boomers;

Taylor Swift writes whiney songs about her break-up, Stevie Nicks made Lyndsey Buckingham sing the lyrics she penned about how big a bastard he was.

[Convict Colony]

Whats the definition of relative humidity ?

 

 

The sweat on your bollocks when your fucking your sister

[Lee On Solent Saint]

3 hours ago, Convict Colony said:

Whats the definition of relative humidity ?

 

 

The sweat on your bollocks when your fucking your sister

One for the Pompey thread there

[badgerx16]

[Saint in Paradise]

[badgerx16]

A man asks his girlfriend "Can you promise that I am the only one you have ever slept with".

"Yes", she replied, "the rest were at least a seven".

[badgerx16]

Why do ducks never grow up ?

 

Because they grow down.

[badgerx16]

Who officiates cricket matches in the Vatican City ?

 

The Holy Roman Umpire.

[badgerx16]

Where do hospital staff play hide and seek ?

 

 

The ICU.

[badgerx16]

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza ?

 

Deep pan, crisp and even.

Edited 9 January, 2024 by badgerx16

[badgerx16]

A German traveller approaches the passport check on arriving in a country:

"Name ?" asks the Immigration Officer

"Heinrich Gruber" is the reply

"Occupation ?" asks the Officer

"No, this time I am only visiting'".

[Redbul]

I've just heard that Dick Dastardly's dog wasn't well so he had to borrow another one.

 

It wasn't 'exactly' the same, but it was a proxy Muttley.

[Redbul]

We were talking to the kids over the weekend about how the wife and I met.

We met at a 'Make a Jelly in the shape of a US President' class.  I knew she was the one as soon as I set Eisenhower.

[GrumpyYorkshireSaint]

What do you call a monkey that explodes?

 

A BaBOOM.

 

 

I'll get my coat.

[Saint in Paradise]

[badgerx16]

On "Me and the farmer" on R4 , Jim Smith tells tales of growing up on a farm and working as a farmer. On the episode I heard last night he said that when he was a lad they grew many varieties of potatoes, his favourite being 'Duke of York'.......because they don't sweat in storage.

[Saint in Paradise]

[Saint in Paradise]

[badgerx16]

A man who was taking homeopathic medicine has died of an overdose after drinking a pint of water.

[Redbul]

I've started doing a bit of painting lately so I though I'd paint the wife's portrait.  She said the style was 'A bit too Picasso' for her liking.

 

She's got a blinking cheek....

[Redbul]

The wife is always moaning at me 'cos she thinks I'm going deaf after years of gigging and listening to music too loudly at home.

So I called the Tinnitus Helpline.

No answer, just kept ringing.....

[Whitey Grandad]

1 hour ago, Redbul said:

The wife is always moaning at me 'cos she thinks I'm going deaf after years of gigging and listening to music too loudly at home.

So I called the Tinnitus Helpline.

No answer, just kept ringing.....

I called the Ramblers Association the other day.

The man on the other end just went on and on…

[Gloucester Saint]

Overheard this one on the way to SMS a few years back:

A Saints supporting man in his early 20s is set up by work colleagues with a blind date with a woman around the same age from a Portsmouth-supporting family.

They meet at Whiteley as a neutral venue.

His dad asks him if he’ll let him know halfway through what the woman is like and whether he’d like to see her again.

The date is going fairly well and he pops outside whilst she’s gone to the toilet to ring his father,

’It’s going well Dad, I think I like her, she says she’s still a Virgin’

’Son, you need to come home now’

‘Dad, why?’

’Son, if she’s not good enough for her own family, she’s not good enough for ours’.

[Redbul]

Something I learnt last night watching a nature doc;
Koi carp always swim in groups of 4.
If they are attacked Kois A, B and C will scatter leaving behind the D Koi.

[Holmes_and_Watson]

2 hours ago, Redbul said:

 

 

Edited 2 October, 2024 by Holmes_and_Watson

[Redbul]

A mate of mine who was struggling to look after and feed his morbidly obese parrot has managed to get it rehomed in a zoo.

 That's a huge weight off his shoulders.

[badgerx16]

A gay teenager was sent to a 'conversion therapy' centre, where they put him in a straight jacket.

Edited 23 October, 2024 by badgerx16

[Saint in Paradise]

[Saint in Paradise]

[Redbul]

If anyone's interested the Self Deprecation Society is taking applications for new members.

I've already put myself down.

[badgerx16]

I went to a restaurant in Tel Aviv but a waiter told me they were full despite half the tables being vacant. I pointed out the empty chairs and he replied "Oh yes, they are occupied".

 

( Courtesy of a Jewish comedian at a comedy club in Blackpool, who also said that on his visit to Israel he was on a trip to the Holocaust museum and said to his wife "Don't you think it's ironic that we are going there by train ?" )

[trousers]

On 17/11/2024 at 09:20, badgerx16 said:

at a comedy club in Blackpool

Living the dream, I see...!

(So says the man sat here in his pyjamas watching 'Love Your Weekend with Alan Titchmarsh' 😁)

Edited 24 November, 2024 by trousers

[badgerx16]

39 minutes ago, trousers said:

Living the dream, I see...!

(So says the man sat here in his pyjamas watching 'Love Your Weekend with Alan Titchmarsh 😁)

Our son had a work night out at the club last night, it is compered by the father of one of his colleagues. I was his taxi service.

Fucking nightmare trying to work our way through the traffic jams caused by Strictly.

[Redbul]

I've got a pest control practical exam tomorrow!!

No doubt I'll be up all night swatting.

[badgerx16]

Is a short Frenchman an Homme-let ?

[Saint in Paradise]

[tdmickey3]

[Redbul]

When I got in from work last night the missus told me that the cat needed to be chipped.

 

I only had a 9 iron but I managed to get her over the shed....

[Redbul]

The Condescending Club is looking for new members.

You probably won't know what that is so I've put you all down.

[Redbul]

I've heard that a certain fast food chain are incorporating meat from endangered species into their burgers.

 

Just off to get a Quarter Panda....!!