Exchanges Between Pilots & Control Towers

[Gemmel]

Supposedly actual exchanges, but I suspect a couple are made up.......

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers:

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up

here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

 

 

 

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

 

 

 

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this..........................I've got the little Fokker in sight."

 

 

 

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

 

 

 

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

 

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

 

 

 

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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the

following:

 

Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

 

 

 

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

 

 

 

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned

around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make

it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

 

 

 

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following

exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

 

Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

 

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

 

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."!

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

 

 

 

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While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

 

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

 

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every ****pit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?

[Baj]

Some blatantly fake, but all amusing.

 

Arizona has told be some (less amusing but at least genuine) tales of exchanges, including pilots on approach to UK airports asking ATC for footy results, and colleagues of his flying to (i think) genoa, ordering pizza whilst on approach so it was ready to collect when they had finished work

[Hatch]

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

 

 

 

.

[Pancake]

Some blatantly fake, but all amusing.

 

Arizona has told be some (less amusing but at least genuine) tales of exchanges, including pilots on approach to UK airports asking ATC for footy results,

 

My uncle used to pilot for BA back in the 80s/90s and always used to ask for an "MCC Update" from Heathrow control when landing as a Test was on.

[do i not like fizzy pop]

About ten years ago there used to be an air traffic controller at West Drayton whose manner across the airwaves was identical to the "Suits You, Sir" characters from the Fast Show.

 

It always seemed to cause alot of amusement on the flight deck of returning flights i had been on.

[31cc]

One at Heathrow a few years ago..

 

2 aircraft heading to the runway for departure, one German, one Brit.

 

Tower. 'Lufthansa xxx, clear to line up'

Speedbird. 'Why is that aircraft ahead of us?'

Lufthansa. 'Because we got up early and left our towel on the runway..'

 

One I've never used myself.... 'Climb like your life depends on it..... because it does!'

[Simples]

Did a flight, Dublin - Geneva - Dublin, a couple of days ago. Only heard three other aircraft on each French frequency we were on whilst over French airspace (due to the ATC strike).

 

After about 20 mins on one frequency with no chat whatsover (normally very busy airspace) , we cheekily asked for a radio check.

 

Was told it was fine and was given another frequency to contact with the French lady saying "there might be more chatting on there". There wasn't, it was a boring flight, but the controllers on all frequencies were having a laugh about it.

 

Always ask for updates on the fotball score whilst over UK airspace, very friendly chaps!

 

Simples :cool:

[Arizona]

Never said anything that funny over the radio, but there are some good stories out there.

 

I remember once coming back into Glasgow Prestwick last winter. Tipping it down with rain. Got a landing clearance something like, "Ryanair XXXX cleared to land runway 13, surface wind 250 at 25 Gusting 45*" My response was "oh crap, I've left the washing out!"

 

Another was in Montpellier, we hit a small flock of bats on landing. After reporting this to ATC, the (French) woman replied, "er... confirm you 'ave bird strike on ze runway." I said, "technically it's a mammal, but you should probably check it out."

 

Had a coyote on the runway once and two more sh@gging in the engine run-up area in Phoenix. A friend was once cleared to land "behind a yellow banana" (they meant to say Bonanza) and had to fly a missed approach he was laughing so hard.

 

Local atmospheric pressure readings are given in millibars accross most of the world, but those imperial loving Americans give their pressure readings in inches of mercury. Another classic, which everyone used to try, was to give a report of "maintaining 3,500ft on QNH (pressure) 1005 millibars". The American controller would sometime reply, "can I have that in inches", which lead to the response, "maintaining 42,000 inches".

 

 

*wind coming from, 250 degrees at 25 knots, gusting up to 45 knots.

[benjii]

Are you a pilot then? I thought you were about 17. No offence, I just did.

[Atticus Finch of Maycomb]

Are you a pilot then? I thought you were about 17. No offence, I just did.

 

Oh, now you've done it. He was praying, praying that someone would ask that question

[Simples]

I'm 31 :smt002

 

HTH

 

Simples :cool:

[Guest Dark Sotonic Mills]

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50

ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of

this airplane..."

 

2. Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude

now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel

free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the

plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you

walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

 

3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business

Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much

as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

 

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at

Washington National, a lone voice comes over the

loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

 

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms

in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight

announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead

compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as

hell everything has shifted."

 

6. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard

Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt,

insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It

works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know

how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public

unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin

pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop

screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you

have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask

before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two

small children, decide now which one you love more.

 

7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some

broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we

arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your

money, more than Southwest Airlines."

 

8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the

event of an emergency water landing, please take them with

our compliments."

 

9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all

of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed

evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave

children or spouses."

 

10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

 

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are

pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the

industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

 

12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,

Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the

final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it.

After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came

on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to

Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts

fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane

to the gate!"

 

13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than

perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as

Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

 

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight

he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The

airline had a policy which required the first officer to

stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and

give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in

light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the

passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a

smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for

this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny,

mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the

pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land

or were we shot down?"

 

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the

Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please

remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have

brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the

gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning

bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick

your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

 

16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement:

"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And,

the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting

through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope

you'll think of us here at US Airways."

[JonnyLove]

True story my mate is a pilot. We were out on a joy flight when the tower at Bournemouth asked him for his height and position. He said 5 Foot 6 and sat down. They did not find it funny and fined him £5000 for waiting their time.

[Simples]

True story my mate is a pilot. We were out on a joy flight when the tower at Bournemouth asked him for his height and position. He said 5 Foot 6 and sat down. They did not find it funny and fined him £5000 for waiting their time.

 

Couldn't have been much of a joy flight if he was still talking to the tower.

 

Did he leave the circuit?

 

Simples :cool:

[saint_stevo]

Are you a pilot then? I thought you were about 17. No offence, I just did.

 

Agree

 

Oh, now you've done it. He was praying, praying that someone would ask that question

 

Agree again...

[JonnyLove]

Couldn't have been much of a joy flight if he was still talking to the tower.

 

Did he leave the circuit?

 

Simples :cool:

 

Yes it was when we came back in contact with the tower.

[Baj]

Are you a pilot then? I thought you were about 17. No offence, I just did.

Live in fear if you ever fly ryanair out of Bristol, yes he's a pilot and yes he's about 12 years old.

[St Landrew]

There's the classic from 1980's Not the Nine O'Clock News on airline safety:

 

Pamela Stephenson [Lola] narrates and demonstrates...

 

Good afternoon, Ladies & Gentlemen. Captain Wang and his crew, welcome you aboard Flight 1203 to Los Angeles. We hope that you'll have a pleasant flight, and that we don't encounter any turbulence, and crash the plane.

For your own safety and convenience, please locate the instruction card in the pouch in front of you. It is situated between the crumpled magazine with the Robert Morley interviews, and the piece of orange peel.

We would like to stress, that in the unlikely event of anything going wrong, any attempt to escape from the aircraft is futile. Please fasten your safety belt and extinguish your cigarette. Shame though it is to waste your last one.

When disaster strikes, there may be a slight loss of cabin pressure, and a reduction in the number of wings. In this event, a plastic mask will automatically drop down. Place it over your nose, and pull hard to release the oxygen. Then attempt to fit the broken cord back into the hole from which the air is now pouring. Please note that your lifejacket is under your seat. It is impossible to get it out, particularly with your seatbelt on, so we have one already prepared here. Place it over your head, then tie the straps around you. To inflate, pull the green tag, press the yellow button, unzip the toggle-pocket, unscrew the air-valve, anticlockwise, and yell... INFLATE, YOU STUPID BUGGER..!

Next, remove from your person, any sharp objects, such as, fragments of red-hot engine casing, and make your way to the escape routes. These are located over the wings, so you people there, there, and there, have absolutely no chance, and we apologise for having wasted your time.

Well enough of this maudlin talk. This has been your chief stewardess speaking, and demonstrating the regulations was Lola, who's a right little strumpet, and willing to oblige you in any way at all.

Captain Wang and his crew, wish you a very short and pleasant flight.

 

Sadly, I couldn't find a video of this, so you'll have to imagine the dry delivery.

Edited 26 February, 2010 by St Landrew

[ericofarabia]

Be afraid , be very very afraid

 

[St Landrew]

OMG, what an idiot..!!!

 

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/8539560.stm

[Saint in Paradise]

Lots more humour on this website:-

 

http://www.aviation-humor.com/cms/view.php?id=75

 

[Robsk II]

Ah, aeroplane jokes - is there ANYTHING funnier?!

[Hatch]

Ah, aeroplane jokes - is there ANYTHING funnier?!

 

 

earthquake jokes??

[bungle]

earthquake jokes??

 

Dead baby jokes?

[LVSaint]

http://www.myfoxboston.com/dpp/news/national/child-directs-airplanes-over-radio-transmissions-at-jfk-airport

 

What about this then?

 

TBF, it was only directing ground traffic, but stupid nonetheless.

[ericofarabia]

http://www.myfoxboston.com/dpp/news/national/child-directs-airplanes-over-radio-transmissions-at-jfk-airport

 

What about this then?

 

TBF, it was only directing ground traffic, but stupid nonetheless.

 

ATC .... Child's Play.

[Mattio]

http://www.myfoxboston.com/dpp/news/national/child-directs-airplanes-over-radio-transmissions-at-jfk-airport

 

What about this then?

 

TBF, it was only directing ground traffic, but stupid nonetheless.

this was the first thing I saw when I stepped off a plane in NYC on Monday, very reassuring!

 

I agree that its not doing any harm but the yanks are very "security concious" (for example I was kept in border control not long after seeing this for 2 hours because I have a common name) so I doubt he'll keep his job.

[Arizona]

this was the first thing I saw when I stepped off a plane in NYC on Monday, very reassuring!

 

I agree that its not doing any harm but the yanks are very "security concious" (for example I was kept in border control not long after seeing this for 2 hours because I have a common name) so I doubt he'll keep his job.

 

I know a guy who couldn't get a U.S. Visa for about 6 months of trying because he had Asian heritage and the same surname as one of the 9/11 terrorists. His surname is... Kahn.

[31cc]

 

'I'll teach them....!'

[Mattio]

I know a guy who couldn't get a U.S. Visa for about 6 months of trying because he had Asian heritage and the same surname as one of the 9/11 terrorists. His surname is... Kahn.

Theres a good article about it here

http://dissidentvoice.org/2009/08/%E2%80%9Cyour-name-is-common%E2%80%9D-racial-profiling-in-the-us/

Its pretty amusing/ridiculous that they stopped the ex president of India was a victim of this stupid technique.

The silly thing is, is that I'm British, my parents are British and my name is Mathew Smith. I am however mixed race which could be misconstrued (by an idiot) as middle eastern.