swannymere Posted 11 December, 2009 Share Posted 11 December, 2009 (edited) A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer wont be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them! into the lions cage because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?" The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees." Edited 11 December, 2009 by swannymere Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedAndWhite91 Posted 11 December, 2009 Share Posted 11 December, 2009 Talking lions? Don't be so ridiculous. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saint_stevo Posted 11 December, 2009 Share Posted 11 December, 2009 At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor. The other is getting oral sex from an 85-year-old toothless woman. They are both thinking the exact same thing... What are they both thinking? Scroll down * ** Don't look down!* __________________________________________________________ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saint_stevo Posted 11 December, 2009 Share Posted 11 December, 2009 Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Arlene: What in the hell is that? Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Arlene: Where did you get it? Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy. The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tpbury Posted 11 December, 2009 Share Posted 11 December, 2009 A horse walks into a bar, ow he says, "why the long face?" says the barman, "fkcu off I'm a crocodile" says the horse, "don't give that rabbit any toasties and that cycle path is freaking me out" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crouch mask replica Posted 14 December, 2009 Share Posted 14 December, 2009 A recent survey showed that 6 out of 7 dwarves weren't happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thedelldays Posted 14 December, 2009 Share Posted 14 December, 2009 Paddy asks Murphy 'Why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards?' to which Murphy replies 'You thick **** Paddy, if they fell forwards they'd still be on the ****ing boat!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Manuel Posted 14 December, 2009 Share Posted 14 December, 2009 So far you all qualify. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
69 saint Posted 14 December, 2009 Share Posted 14 December, 2009 You can never trust your mates When we were out on safari filming Lions one caught sight of us and it started to Slowly creep up on us licking its lips So my mate changed from his field boots To a pair of top of the range nike air running Shoes I said it not worth putting them on you will never out run the lion, then he said fu k the lion As long as I out run you I will be alright Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arizona Posted 14 December, 2009 Share Posted 14 December, 2009 You can never trust your mates When we were out on safari filming Lions one caught sight of us and it started to Slowly creep up on us licking its lips So my mate changed from his field boots To a pair of top of the range nike air running Shoes I said it not worth putting them on you will never out run the lion, then he said fu k the lion As long as I out run you I will be alright Is this a poem? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notnowcato Posted 14 December, 2009 Share Posted 14 December, 2009 Is this a poem? Philestine tsk. Taken from Crouchie Lion, Hidden Nike. Moderate Mod, I guess like most things on the web now, the quality is diluted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
INFLUENCED.COM Posted 15 December, 2009 Share Posted 15 December, 2009 Just bought a wicked game for the PS3, its about a black guy who drives around town having sex with ho's, uses violence including metal bars, crashes his car, evading the Police...its called Tiger Woods PGA Tour 09 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
INFLUENCED.COM Posted 15 December, 2009 Share Posted 15 December, 2009 I was around my new girlfriends house, we were in the kitchen doing dinner when she asked me to turn on the veg, apparently, fingering her disabled sister was not what she meant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dog Posted 15 December, 2009 Share Posted 15 December, 2009 My favourite thing about going to my grandparents indian restraunt is eating naan. Closley followed by sucking off grampa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tpbury Posted 15 December, 2009 Share Posted 15 December, 2009 Quality. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnny Bognor Posted 15 December, 2009 Share Posted 15 December, 2009 (edited) To get this back on topic, Tampax are getting into the festive spirit by launching tampons complete with tinsel. However, these will only be available for the Christmas period. Edited 15 December, 2009 by Johnny Bognor Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jeff leopard Posted 15 December, 2009 Share Posted 15 December, 2009 I went to see my doctor the other day and after a couple of minutes he looked quite concerned and said, 'Look, there's no easy way to say this so I'm just going to come out with it. You have to stop masturbating'. Shocked and appalled, I asked him 'What on earth are you on about?' And he replied, 'I'm trying to examine you'. Paddy asks Murphy 'Why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards?' to which Murphy replies 'You thick **** Paddy, if they fell forwards they'd still be on the ****ing boat!' wow, a 'thick Paddy' joke, still being used in 2009 these defence cuts are really biting hard, aren't they? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thedelldays Posted 15 December, 2009 Share Posted 15 December, 2009 Am man walks into a library and asks for a book on under age dwarf sex..... the Librarian says "how can you stoop so farking low..?" The man replies.."yeah, that's the one" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thedelldays Posted 15 December, 2009 Share Posted 15 December, 2009 I went to see my doctor the other day and after a couple of minutes he looked quite concerned and said, 'Look, there's no easy way to say this so I'm just going to come out with it. You have to stop masturbating'. Shocked and appalled, I asked him 'What on earth are you on about?' And he replied, 'I'm trying to examine you'. wow, a 'thick Paddy' joke, still being used in 2009 these defence cuts are really biting hard, aren't they? what is a joke about paddies got to do with defence cuts..? unless, that is a joke itself.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
INFLUENCED.COM Posted 15 December, 2009 Share Posted 15 December, 2009 Little boy runs into the kitchen and says to his mum "Grannys got a prawn" the mother says "what do you mean ?" The boy takes his mother into the living room where grannys asleep with her skirt up over her waist he points to grannys protruding cl!t saying "see Grannys got a prawn" his mother whispers "thats your granmothers cl!toris" the boy replied "well it tastes like a prawn" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thedelldays Posted 15 December, 2009 Share Posted 15 December, 2009 Just been to town to buy the new 'Grand Theft Auto' game for my Playstation 3, I had to describe it to the new sales assistant "it's about a black guy who drives round ****ging whores, uses violence involving metal bars, crashes his car, and evades the police.......... the bloke gave me 'Tiger Woods PGA Tour 10' !!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ponty Posted 15 December, 2009 Share Posted 15 December, 2009 Just bought a wicked game for the PS3, its about a black guy who drives around town having sex with ho's, uses violence including metal bars, crashes his car, evading the Police...its called Tiger Woods PGA Tour 09 Just been to town to buy the new 'Grand Theft Auto' game for my Playstation 3, I had to describe it to the new sales assistant "it's about a black guy who drives round ****ging whores, uses violence involving metal bars, crashes his car, and evades the police.......... the bloke gave me 'Tiger Woods PGA Tour 10' !!!!!!! It wasn't funny the first time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LVSaint Posted 15 December, 2009 Share Posted 15 December, 2009 Q: How do find Will Smith when he's lost in the snow? A: You look for the fresh prints. Q: Who's the nicest man in a hospital? A: The ultra-sound man Q: Who covers his shifts while he's away? A: The hip-replacement guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
INFLUENCED.COM Posted 16 December, 2009 Share Posted 16 December, 2009 Ive just wasted £20 on a christmas dvd, I bought "Tiger, My 18 Favourite Holes" turns out it's about golf Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jeff leopard Posted 16 December, 2009 Share Posted 16 December, 2009 what is a joke about paddies got to do with defence cuts..? unless, that is a joke itself.. a swing and a miss I know this is a crap jokes thread and call me pc Thought Police, but jokes about 'thick paddies', almost a decade in to the 21st Century? I appreciate these are probably still hot currency in the armed forces, but we have more sophisticated tastes in the real world, don't we? Surely this kind of thing seemed old a good 20 or 30 years ago. If I'm wrong and people are still perfectly happy kicking around such cheap and lazy stereotypes then I'll shut up and go back to reading the Guardian on-line and listening to Swedish prog-rock. But come on... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thedelldays Posted 16 December, 2009 Share Posted 16 December, 2009 jeff..all jokes take the **** out of something and someone.. again, defence cuts..? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
INFLUENCED.COM Posted 16 December, 2009 Share Posted 16 December, 2009 I know this is a crap jokes thread and call me pc Thought Police, but jokes about 'thick paddies', almost a decade in to the 21st Century? I appreciate these are probably still hot currency in the armed forces, but we have more sophisticated tastes in the real world, don't we? You are right, we now replace anything that may not considered pc with the French, apparently they are the one race it is ok to take the **** out of. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jeff leopard Posted 16 December, 2009 Share Posted 16 December, 2009 jeff..all jokes take the **** out of something and someone.. again, defence cuts..? for sure, every joke needs a butt, and I know I'm coming across as a killjoy, but there's a very good reason that developed people don't tell jokes that start with 'what's black and…' or 'what's brown and…' anymore. (whenever anyone complains about political correctness, all I hear them saying is 'its not fair, I can't tell n***** or p*** jokes anymore'). when it comes to spreading ideology, jokes play a massive role. the english have used thick paddy jokes for hundreds of years to justify our occupation of their country, and our treatment of them as second-class citizens in this country (no dogs, no irish, no blacks). if you feel comfortable continuing this then...oh forget it, I've lost the will to live. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thedelldays Posted 16 December, 2009 Share Posted 16 December, 2009 for sure, every joke needs a butt, and I know I'm coming across as a killjoy, but there's a very good reason that developed people don't tell jokes that start with 'what's black and…' or 'what's brown and…' anymore. (whenever anyone complains about political correctness, all I hear them saying is 'its not fair, I can't tell n***** or p*** jokes anymore'). when it comes to spreading ideology, jokes play a massive role. the english have used thick paddy jokes for hundreds of years to justify our occupation of their country, and our treatment of them as second-class citizens in this country (no dogs, no irish, no blacks). if you feel comfortable continuing this then...oh forget it, I've lost the will to live. jesus..it is a joke, I have been all over and guess what..others use the ENGLISH as the butt of their jokes.. should I replace "paddy" for "muslim"..y'know..to be a bit fairer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RonManager Posted 16 December, 2009 Share Posted 16 December, 2009 jesus..it is a joke, I have been all over and guess what..others use the ENGLISH as the butt of their jokes.. should I replace "paddy" for "muslim"..y'know..to be a bit fairer I lived in Scotland for 15 years so you can imagine what I was on the end of. I developed a philosophy based on whether or not I wanted to be offended. As DD says, they are jokes. Xenophobic, stereotypical, why yes, but jokes all the same. On that basis I decided not to be offended and just joined in the banter with Johnny Scotsman. After that, a damn fine time was had by all!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 16 December, 2009 Share Posted 16 December, 2009 A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!' The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ponty Posted 16 December, 2009 Share Posted 16 December, 2009 Too good for this thread? http://www.saintsweb.co.uk/forum/showthread.php?t=18569 Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 16 December, 2009 Share Posted 16 December, 2009 [sorry....didn't see it....:confused:] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 16 December, 2009 Share Posted 16 December, 2009 I've just wasted bl00dy £25!!!! Bought Tiger Woods' "My Favourite 18 holes." Turns out it's about golf.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
St Landrew Posted 16 December, 2009 Share Posted 16 December, 2009 Merge it Ponty. You know you want to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ponty Posted 16 December, 2009 Share Posted 16 December, 2009 Ok, Just to prove I can... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dog Posted 17 December, 2009 Share Posted 17 December, 2009 I was driving down the high street last night when Rick Waller walked across the road, straight in front of me. I tried to swerve around him, but I ran out of petrol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 17 December, 2009 Share Posted 17 December, 2009 I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick-pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low? I was walking in a cemetery this morning and I saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said “Morning. He replied, “No, just having a 5h1t.” I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits. I’m here all week!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Boy Saint Posted 17 December, 2009 Share Posted 17 December, 2009 Bloke out on his Company Christmas party on Christmas Eve gets exceedingly drunk and even more so when the Pub crawl starts. Feeling the worse for wear he steps outside the pub trips stumbles and falls right on the curb, he is in agony at the pain coming from his groin. A kindly passer by calls and Ambulance which carts him of to the Hospital. When the Doctor examines him, he just shakes his head with a worried look....... "Well young man I have some very bad news for you, I am afraid to say that you have broken your penis!!". As all the colour drained from his face at this shocking news he asked if there was anything the Doctor could do for him. The Doctor said there is something he could try and went and got 4 tongue sticks and some surgical tape and made a splint around his damage old chap. The next day the poor Bloke still in agony visits his Girlfriend who he loves so much but has never got further than a kiss & a cuddle with. He gives her some nice jewellery and perfume which she is delighted with. She then stands in front of him and says "I couldn't wrap my present up..." then lifts her skirt pulls her knickers down and says "Here is my present to you my darling un touched by any man!". To which he stands up drops his trousers and says "Beat that mine is still in the bloody box!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
INFLUENCED.COM Posted 17 December, 2009 Share Posted 17 December, 2009 Bloke wants to go down the pub with his mates but his wife says she is fed up with him coming in drunk with sick all down him, he promises he will pace himself so he won't be sick, she allows him to go. 1130 that night he rolls in steaming with sick down his shirt, as the wife goes off on one he says "hang on it wasn't me it was some fella next to me in the bar, he put a tenner in my top pocket to pay for the dry cleaning" apologising she reaches into his top pocket and says "hey, there's £20.00 in here" the husband replies "oh yeah, he also sh!t in my pants" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
INFLUENCED.COM Posted 18 December, 2009 Share Posted 18 December, 2009 Last night I asked the wife if she wanted to play that R@pe game again, she said "No" I said "thats the spirit" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank's cousin Posted 18 December, 2009 Share Posted 18 December, 2009 You are right, we now replace anything that may not considered pc with the French, apparently they are the one race it is ok to take the **** out of. French are not a race, neither are the 'Oirish' they are merely nationals of another country if being a miserable pedant that I am Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Dark Sotonic Mills Posted 18 December, 2009 Share Posted 18 December, 2009 French are not a race' date=' neither are the 'Oirish' they are merely nationals of another country if being a miserable pedant that I am[/quote'] Correct, there is a Gallic race and a Celtic race. However, in the new amendment to the Race Relations Act, it will be amended so that it is no longer illegal to discriminate against the French. In fact, there are calls for the changes to be more stringent and to make it compulsory. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Poppa Posted 18 December, 2009 Share Posted 18 December, 2009 A Priest is fishing with his mate and catches something. "That's a huge f*cker you've got there father," says the friend. "Watch your language around a man of God," replies the Priest. A little embarassed, the friend lies and tells the Priest that the species of fish is called a "f*cker". The Priest takes home the fish and talks to the Bishop and explains about catching the "f*cker". "I'll clean the f*cker and we can have it for dinner tonight when the Pope comes round." So he cleans it and then shows it to the Cardinal, who says he'll cook the "f*cker" for the pope tonight. The Pope comes round for dinner and comments on the lovely fish and, eager to please, the Priest exclaims, "I caught the f*cker!" The Bishop cries, "I cleaned the f*cker!" And the Cardinal continues, "I cooked the f*cker!" The Pope takes a moments thought, looks around the table at them and says, "You know, you c*nts are alright." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notnowcato Posted 22 December, 2009 Share Posted 22 December, 2009 The Dell Days walks into an empty room, starts a fight, loses and leaves. Ok, I made it up and maybe it's not that cr_ap. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thedelldays Posted 22 December, 2009 Share Posted 22 December, 2009 The Dell Days walks into an empty room, starts a fight, loses and leaves. Ok, I made it up and maybe it's not that cr_ap. wow you are really, REALLY funny :---) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notnowcato Posted 22 December, 2009 Share Posted 22 December, 2009 wow you are really, REALLY funny :---) wow you are really predictable Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notnowcato Posted 22 December, 2009 Share Posted 22 December, 2009 Knock, knock. "Who's there?" "The Dell Days" "**** off" Again, a joke I made up but this time using a tried and tested method. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thedelldays Posted 22 December, 2009 Share Posted 22 December, 2009 A South African gold miner has an horrific injury whilst at work an ends up having to have his leg removed,after a few weeks he becomes very very depressed. 'I'm screwed now' he said 'who on earth is going to want a one legged gold digger....' ME said Paul McCartney Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thedelldays Posted 22 December, 2009 Share Posted 22 December, 2009 Soldier, Sailor, Airman in the bar. Soldier says: My wife is so thick. She's just bought a car and she doesn't drive. Sailor says: Think that's bad? My wife has just paid for a swimming pool to be built in the back garden and she doesn't swim. Airman thinks for a while: I can beat that, my wife has just gone to Greece on holiday. She's taken 50 condoms with her and she doesn't even have a c**k... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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