miserableoldgit Posted 13 November, 2009 Share Posted 13 November, 2009 (edited) A friend tells me that this is from Readers Digest! I think that he may be lying!!! **** 1.. (noun) The outer female organ;The vagina 2.. (noun) A very unpleasant or stupid person. The first meaning is needs no clarification…but the second could leave one a little confused…so to help you spot, and hopefully avoid, number 2…the following examples may be of some assistance to you… The bloke with the big bushy beard, thick woollen polo neck jersey, and pint of real ale (usually tapping his foot to some noisy bloody jazz band)…..is a **** The bloke who rattles his pipe from one side of his mouth to the other then talks with it gripped between his yellow teeth convinced that he is “Mr.Contentment”….is a **** Short arsed stubby blokes (who only seem to appear in the summer) with big guts, knee length baggy shorts,football shirts and huge trainers…and walk around under the misapprehension that they look mildly athletic instead of out-of-shape ****s…are ****s. Leo Sayer is a **** The bloke who reaches 40 – realises he is going nowhere so decides to take the character route to try to get noticed,by growing a big beard or bushy sideburns and a handlebar moustache…gets a pocket watch and turns into Dr.Watson…coming out with stuff like “That meal I had last night was most agreeable…”….is a **** George Best was ..... and Ainsley Harriot is…a **** The bloke who could easily retire but still works his ******** off at 65 and still takes **** off young yuppie upstarts…convincing himself that he “enjoys his job” …when the truth is he can’t think of **** all else to do (e.g. the jobsworth in some ****hole railway sidings) …is a **** The newcomer to the gym who goes through a self invented stretching exercise,wrongly convinced that all the regulars will think he knows what he’s doing…and usually wears black socks and black trainers…is a **** The scraggy bloke in his 40’s who, on a sunny day,walks round smoking a ciggie wearing a dark blue sleeve-less T-shirt (showing a collection of cheap fading tattoos) black socks and black trainers…and of course a ****ing baseball cap…is a **** The bloke in the golf club who kills himself laughing at all the Captain's unfunny jokes…is a **** In fact all golf club captains are ****s. Blokes who think “You are what you drive”…are ****s When you put your golfball on a tee and it falls off…the bloke who says “ONE!...Ha Ha Ha”…is a **** Gary Glitter is Numero Uno **** Any bloke over 45 who wears a bandana and an earring and isn’t a member of the crew of a pirate ship …is a **** The Yanks who chant “U…S…A!!” at sporting events…are ****s Come to think of it all Yanks are ****s. The bloke who insists on telling you how good his car is…is worse than the bloke who tells you how good he is with women…but it’s immaterial really…because they are both ****s. Any one of those many fathers who stand at Rugby pitches and instruct their boys in the art of playing the game - ****s all Blokes who ride those bikes where you lie down and steer them under your arse (with a ****ing flag on the end of a long thin pole) look like, and indeed are… ****s The bearded rotund loudmouth with the scarf and pint of beer in the rugby stands who shouts “We need more ball!!” or similar obvious ****ing instructions the hooker doesn’t really need telling while he’s getting his head trodden on…is a ****. The misguided parent who has emptied his bank account trying to turn his offspring into another Pete Sampras … not realising that young Darren will very soon prefer ****ging…is a **** Englebert Humperdink is a top-class Las Vegas **** The bloke who goes up to the club pianist and comes out with the highly original “Can you play "Far Away” …is a **** Any bloke who rides a horse and isn’t a jockey … is a **** The bloke who insists on telling you about all his ailments…mistaking you for someone who gives a ****…is a ****. Cliff Richard isn’t necessarily a ****…but he will be if he brings out another Christmas ****ing record!! Anyone who likes HipHop, Garage, or Rap music and is over 16…is a **** Anyone who likes all three and is over 16…is a ****ing ****. Graham Norton is such a **** Any bloke with a Mohican haircut…is a ****…unless he was present at Custers Last Stand… (incidentally Custer was a **** as well) - "Look at all those Indians" he said .... The Macho guys in tight jeans,cowboy boots and big Stetsons who are seen in every bloody country and western video in station wagons or around a pool table… are ****s The ****ed-up football hooligan (usually English) in Italy,with no shirt on,who stands at the front of the mob beckoning the oncoming armoured car with both hands to “have a go” just before the water cannon blasts him arse over tit along the gravel leaving him upside down against a brick wall with no skin and a broken neck …is a **** Jonathon Ross is a **** Duran Duran and Spandau Ballet are a shower of ****s. Each member of Take That (with the possible exeption of Gary Barlow) is a **** Robbie Williams obviously realised this and left…but that doesn’t matter because he’s a **** as well George W.Bush is a gold plated ****. (see also ..******..tosspot..knobhead) Terry Wogan,Michael Parkinson,Paul Daniels and Sebastian Coe…not forgetting Prince Edward…are ****s I don’t know if Mel Gibson is a ****…er…yes he is… now it’s official Anyone who understands what baseball is all about (or even ****ing cares)…is a **** Anyone who “works hard and plays hard”…is a **** The Monkees are ****s…Mickey Dolenz being the biggest The bloke in the queue at the airport with a trolley loaded up with cases surrounded by screaming kids, trying to look cool in his brand new trainers,brand new tracky bottoms and brand new flowery shirt (with the original crease still in it)…and of course a gold bracelet round his ****ing neck …is a **** The whole population of Bangor are ****s Anthea Redfern is an honorary **** The short arsed dancing fool in Boney M who mimes to some other *****s voice …is a **** Mustn’t forget Bruce Forsyth…what a **** he is. and Ronnie Corbett ...and Jimmy Tarbuck...both ****s ! The bloke in the driving seat of his car on his way to Wales on a Sunday accompanied by three yapping blue rinse old bags…him being the only surviving husband…is a **** The young bloke at the wedding with the white suit and black open neck shirt who decides he’s gonna show the older ones how the younger generation dance to the disco…is a **** The lad with the gaping mouth and protruding bottom lip and can of lager … walking down the street uttering intelligent comments like “I’m gone rip iz ‘ead off!!”…is a total ****. (and if you ever wonder where NOWHERE is just make a note of the direction he’s heading) It is very difficult not to think all masons are ****s…so they must be. Blokes who stand in a circle in the pub listening intently to each other with a furrowed brow and biting their bottom lip and throwing the odd sixpenno'th into the conversation as they discuss their teams midfield problems …and think that the hairy arsed overpaid manager in his mansion gives a flying **** what they think …are ****s. Ainsley Harriot is such a **** he deserves a second mention Denis Norden,who seriously requires that clip board shoving up his arse…is a **** Did I mention Ant and Dec?...pair of ****s?...I ****ing think so!! and not last ...... nor least, or even Nor Nor East .... Those Hairy Bikers from Byker - ****s both So there you are This list is by no means exhaustive but it will give you some idea of what to look for and hopefull avoid as you negotiate life’s long and winding road. Because this word has ceased to be a swear word…it should no longer be regarded as offensive. If, however,you have been offended …simply add your name to the above list. Edited 13 November, 2009 by miserableoldgit Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Master Bates Posted 13 November, 2009 Share Posted 13 November, 2009 **** Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RonManager Posted 13 November, 2009 Share Posted 13 November, 2009 People who start posts on this forum with the words - "What everyone forgets is....." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saint_bert Posted 13 November, 2009 Share Posted 13 November, 2009 the bloke who made that list is a **** Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ecuk268 Posted 13 November, 2009 Share Posted 13 November, 2009 Don't agree about George Best. Yes, he wasted his considerable talent, he was a hopeless alcoholic and he took a liver that could have probably been better used by someone else. But I couldn't help liking him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red&White Posted 13 November, 2009 Share Posted 13 November, 2009 (edited) **** **** Good though ! Edited 13 November, 2009 by Red&White hjhjhjh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedAndWhite91 Posted 13 November, 2009 Share Posted 13 November, 2009 and Ainsley Harriot is…a **** Ainsley Harriot is such a **** he deserves a second mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mao Cap Posted 13 November, 2009 Share Posted 13 November, 2009 the bloke who made that list is a **** Indeed. Bloke needs to stop being such a hater and attend to his own affairs rather than writing stupid lists, IMHO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saint_stevo Posted 13 November, 2009 Share Posted 13 November, 2009 your all ****s Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Master Bates Posted 13 November, 2009 Share Posted 13 November, 2009 ***************************** Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RonManager Posted 13 November, 2009 Share Posted 13 November, 2009 ***************************** Well, really... Now I'm pretty broad-minded and not normally offended by much at all being a man of the world and all that.. But, well, really!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EastleighSoulBoy Posted 13 November, 2009 Share Posted 13 November, 2009 :smt082:smt082:smt082 :smt115 I'd not noticed the instruction, sorry, description..........doh! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Master Bates Posted 13 November, 2009 Share Posted 13 November, 2009 Well, really... Now I'm pretty broad-minded and not normally offended by much at all being a man of the world and all that.. But, well, really!! Really? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pilsburydoughboy Posted 13 November, 2009 Share Posted 13 November, 2009 Ian Branfoot is a **** Rupert Lowe................. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red&White Posted 14 November, 2009 Share Posted 14 November, 2009 Now I know I have a sad sense of humour but that really made me laugh ! Snot bubbles aching sides the lot yes I know i`m a nob ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SNSUN Posted 14 November, 2009 Share Posted 14 November, 2009 I saw a **** once, ****ing mirrors. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
benjii Posted 14 November, 2009 Share Posted 14 November, 2009 I like Jonathan Ross. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rattlehead Posted 14 November, 2009 Share Posted 14 November, 2009 Jonathan Woss is a massive c*nt. Up there with Lenny Henry, Dawn French and Victoria Wood in the humour (and c*nt) stakes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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