Crap Joke Thread (Nov 09)

[INFLUENCED.COM]

Since my Mother-in-law went senile she just spends all day looking through the window bless her....if it gets really cold i'll let her in.

[Gingeletiss]

A boy standing in his garden, says to his mum "Why is my P*mpey shirt on the grass?" His mum looks out and replies, "Theiving Bastards stole my pegs".

 

 

Now, that's funny:finga:

[Gingeletiss]

A small zoo in Glasgow acquired a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

 

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby McKay, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. --- Bobby, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

 

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby was approached with a proposition.

 

Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500?

 

Bobby showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

 

1. "First", Bobby said, "Ah'm no gonnae kiss her on the lips."

The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

 

2. "Second", he said, "Ye cannae never tell naebody aboot this."

The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

 

3. "Third", Bobby said, "I want all the kids raised as "Rangers fans."

Once again it was agreed.

 

4. "And last of all", Bobby stated

 

"Ye'll need tae gie me anither week to come up with the £500"

[Thedelldays]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

 

This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[INFLUENCED.COM]

Just got back from the hospital, they reckon I might have pneumoulcaltramicroscopicsilicovolanosis, but at the moment its hard to say.

 

Avram Grant spotted a young French boy playing keepy uppy with a clove of garlic, he said to him "you have very good skills, would you like to come and play for Portsmouth", the kid replied "f()ck off, I get enough stick for being French"

[RonManager]

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.

 

She was from Quality Street ; he was a Fisherman's Friend.

 

On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter and she had a Wine Gum.

 

He asked her name, 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said.

 

'I'm the one with the nuts,' he thought!

 

Then he touched her Milky Way.

 

They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.

 

It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and TicTacs.

 

Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.

 

When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!

 

Unfortunately, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts

[Dog]

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

 

 

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

 

 

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

 

 

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

[INFLUENCED.COM]

My girlfriend says the hardest thing in the world is to balance a career and a family.

She's obviously never tried to balance a laptop on her knees whilst having a w>nk

 

New anti-depresant for Lesbians..........................Trycoxsagain

[RedAndWhite91]

I know it's been posted somewhere on TSW before but hey ho:

 

Storrie has a meeting with Inland Revenue, and it's representative tells him "Mr Storrie, I have a lot of respect for PFC, it's a club I truly love, and for that reason, I'm clearing the £11.5 million". Storrie, shocked, says "really?!", to which the HMRC bloke says "No. I'm winding you up".

[Dimond Geezer]

the origins of kung fu

 

2000 years ago a boy is enrolled at martial arts school

 

the 1st five years is fighting with a bo stick ,throwing, blocking and attacking

 

the next five years is training with a bow and arrow,shooting with it and catching the arrows in the air

 

the last five years are self defence and full force attacking

 

after the fifteen years have past the young man has to pass a strict test

 

he's taken to a huge arena with a baying crowd of thousands,suddenly a group of men approach and throw their bo sticks then join for melee.the young warrior catches a bo stick in mid flight and attacks,shortly after he has conquered them,arrows start whizzing past him and in a flash he's attacking,soon they are dispatched as well.screams are heard as twenty men rush him,he's punching kicking blocking and working he's way through them

when suddenly a brick out of nowhere smacks him in the face and he says

 

 

what kung fu that!

[INFLUENCED.COM]

Sh^G ! Funny word isn't it...to a carpet maker its a long pile rug....to a smoker its a type of tobacco...to an American its a dance.......to an Ornethologist its a bird but to you...you Ugly barstad...its just a remote possibility

[John Boy Saint]

The Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.

Then said to himself, "There's something he's needin"

 

After casting about for a suitable pearl,

He was messing around and created a girl.

 

Two beautiful legs so gorgeously slender,

To carry a treasure ever so tender.

 

Two shapely hips to increase his desire,

All rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

 

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,

Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.

 

Two willing arms, just aching to bless him,

Two loving hands, to soothe and caress him.

 

Soft, cascading hair hung over her shoulder,

And two dreamy eyes, to make him grow bolder.

 

'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.

Then he added a mouth ....ruined the whole ****ing thing!

[Dimond Geezer]

Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman talking. Englishman says 'I was in my teenage daughters bedroom the other day and found a packet of fags - I didn't know she smoked'. Scotsman says 'I was in my teenage daughters bedroom the other day and found a bottle of vodka - I didn't know she drank'. Irishman says 'I was in my teenage daughters bedroom the other day and found a packet of condoms - I didn't know she had a ****'!!

[INFLUENCED.COM]

A boy is at confession and says to the Priest "forgive me father for I have sinned. I masterbated with thoughts of my big sister"

The Priest shouts "that is disgraceful !!!..................especially as you have two gorgeous little brothers"

[hamster]

As a young impressionable altar boy I remember the first time I had something 'proper' to take into confession, as opposed to the usual 'punched my brother', didn;t eat my sprouts' rubbish. I had actually copped a feel of a girls boob (albeit it through her bra, vest and school pullover). I thought i was going to hell on a handcart - that's what these bloomin religions do to you you see, giult is a terrrible thing imho.

 

Anyway, I sat there quivering and told the priest of my' sin' then sat in silence awaiting the punishment to be meted out for my 'pleasure of the flesh' Then a strange thing happened.

 

the priest said to me in a whisper "my son, it is a good thing that you see the error of your ded, I hope that you will in future appreciate that any contact betweeen members of the opposite sex should be contained within marriage. Can you promise me that you will not commit sins of this nature again should the good lord offer you forgiveness on this occasion??

 

"I promise father"

 

He continued

"Is this the first time that you have commited a sin of this magnitude my son?"

 

"It was father, I promise you that it was" I answered petrified that the heavens would open if I was lieing and be struck by a thunderbolt.

 

"and finally my son, before I give you penance, will you tell me the name of the young lady who commited this sin with you?"

 

"I can not do that father. I am sorry but if I tell her Mother would take the belt to her, I could not have that on my conscience"

 

"You don't have to tell me her name but a simple yes or no will suffice. Now tell me young man, was it that little red headed floosie from number 7 Prospect Row?"

 

"No father, it was not"

 

"Then might it have been Mrs Gillard's daughter, Clare, known to all to be generous with her favours?"

 

"No father it was not"

 

"Okay my son, was it Mary, Mr and Mrs Taylor's daughter who lives at the other side of town in the flat above the greengrocer shop?"

 

I am sorry father ir was not her either. Father, I promised not to tell on her, and surely if I break a promise i would surely go to hell, please father, please don't make me tell on her?"

 

"Okay my son we shall leave it at that. But I must tell you that unless you can tell me the girl's name then I cannot offer the lord's forgiveness. Good day to you"

 

Off I trotted, running all the way to the local rec where my best friend was waiting for me.

 

"Well hamster, did you go to confession?"

 

"Yep, sure did"

 

"And....did you confess your sins?" he said impatiently

 

"Yep" I said

 

"And, did father O'malley forgive you for your sin with ***** ********?"

 

"Nope, he wouldn;t forgive me the old fart"

 

"Well what a waste of time that was thern" He lolled.

 

"Not quite i lolled back at him, not quite my little friend"

 

And why might that be young hamster me old mucker, me old mush?"

 

"I'll terll you why it wasn;t a waste of time my little testosterone fuelled partner in crime, because I got three more dead certs out of it, that is why!"

 

The End

[Dimond Geezer]

Cornish Virginity Test Kit

>

>

>

> Janner is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he

> could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin..

>

> His doctor says, “Well Janner, you have to use three things for what we

> call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit - a small can of red

> paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel.”

>

> Janner asks, "And what do I do with these things, doctor?”

>

> The doctor replies, “Before you climb into bed on your wedding night,

> you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says,

> "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see"

you hit her

> with the shovel.”

[Redbul]

I thought I'd broken my sh*gging record on Saturday night with 1 hour 2 minutes....then I realised the clocks had gone forward.

[hamster]

I thought I'd broken my sh*gging record on Saturday night with 1 hour 2 minutes....then I realised the clocks had gone forward.

 

You may still have beaten it, two minutes is good time Redbul.

[Dog]

What's the difference between a pair of white silk panties and a police car.

 

One's white and shiny and has a **** and an arsehole inside, the other is women's underwear.

[Redbul]

A lady was rushed to hospital yesterday with a vacuum cleaner nozzle lodged up her sn***. Doctors say that although she is still in a critical condition she is picking up nicely.

[Teddy Nutkins]

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.

"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

 

 

 

 

"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".

[INFLUENCED.COM]

What do you call a black man that has lost 22 stone ?.......................Lenny Henry