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Crap Joke Thread (Nov 09)

swannymere

By swannymere,
in The Muppet Show

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Dog

Dog

Posted
Posted

I'd told my girlfriend I was a war hero, but had had my medals stolen.

She fell for it, but then as an act of kindness bought me some more off e-bay.

So then I had no excuse and had to march with all the veterans at the Remembrance Parade.

 

How the hell was I supposed to know The Iron Cross was a german medal?

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Dog

Dog

Posted
Posted

I had to go to the doctors the other day to get a lump on one of my testicles checked out.

 

 

As he was fondling my balls he suddenly stopped and said "Don't worry, it's perfectly normal to get an erection."

 

 

I said "WHAT?!, I don't have have an erection."

 

 

He replied "no no, I know you don't, I was talking about me!"

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Durleyfos

Durleyfos

Posted
Posted

A bloke is beginning his first night banged up in prison.

 

His cell mate takes out his c*ck to reveal a monster of a c*ck.

 

He bashes it against the toilet bowl and breaks the bowl.

 

He then bashes it against the frame of the bunk bed and buckles the frame.

 

He then says to the new guy "I'm now gonna f*** you with this"

 

The man replies "Thank f*** for that, I thought you were going to hit me with it"

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hamster

hamster

Posted
Posted

Bloke came my local last night who I hadn't seen for ages.

 

"Ain't seen you in here for a while Stan" I said.

 

"I know hammy, I'm sixty two today"

 

"In that case Stan let me buy you a beer. Pint of London Pride?"

 

"Cheers hammy, nice one mate"

 

"Why don't you pop in again tomorrow night, we'll have a game of darts" I say's

 

"Can't mate, I two til ten tomorrow"

 

I laughed out very loud at my stupidity, still, you live and learn don't you, you live and learn.

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INFLUENCED.COM

INFLUENCED.COM

Posted
Posted

I was walking down the road the other day when I bumped into Mike Tyson, he'd lost both his arms in a motorbike accident, I remembered all the fights he'd had and how he was one of the greatest fighters of all time, I was lost for words, what could I say ? He was a hero of mine, I looked into his eyes and suddenly found the courage to say something.........................."Come on then you **** lets have it"

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tpbury

tpbury

Posted
Posted
Bloke came my local last night who I hadn't seen for ages.

 

"Ain't seen you in here for a while Stan" I said.

 

"I know hammy, I'm sixty two today"

 

"In that case Stan let me buy you a beer. Pint of London Pride?"

 

"Cheers hammy, nice one mate"

 

"Why don't you pop in again tomorrow night, we'll have a game of darts" I say's

 

"Can't mate, I two til ten tomorrow"

 

I laughed out very loud at my stupidity, still, you live and learn don't you, you live and learn.

 

A joke that needs explaining is a joke that FAILS!

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hamster

hamster

Posted
Posted
A joke that needs explaining is a joke that FAILS!

 

Would you mind highlighting the bit where the joke is 'explained'? That is Sir a cracking little joke one which I have been telling for many a year and it always gets a laugh.....from me anyway.

 

A joke is a jome is a joke, some good some not so.

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grizzlygit

grizzlygit

Posted
Posted

Please help

 

Portsmouth Hurricane Appeal

 

 

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Portsmouth in the early hours of Friday with its epicentre in Paulsgrove. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell". The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Skate FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Paulsgrove.

 

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning."

 

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

 

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Lambrini to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

 

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

 

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps

Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)

Shell suits (female)

White sport socks

Rockport boots

Any other items usually sold in Primark.

 

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:

Microwave meals

Tins of baked beans

Ice cream

Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

 

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.

£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.

£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

 

**Breaking news**

 

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked, "Paulsgrove" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?

 

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Pompey -

oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway

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Percysaint

Percysaint

Posted
Posted

Man drive's up to a boy standing on the corner of a street. "If I give you £10 and a packet of sweets, will you get in the car?" The boy says no.

 

Man asks "If I give you £20 and a packet of sweets, will you get in the car?" Again the boy says no.

 

"Ok, if I give you £50 and a packet of sweets, will you get in the car?" The boy answers, "Listen Dad I'm not going to Anfield with you ever again."

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RonManager

RonManager

Posted
Posted

Im sure many of you will groan and say that you have heard this a thousand times - but I haven't. It was sent to me by a Manure supporting friend who is well aware of our Poopey rivalry.

 

A young blonde Portsmouth girl, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters off Gunwharf Quay.

 

As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by.

 

"You're not thinking of jumping, are you babes?" he asked. "Yes, I am." replied the sobbing girl.

 

Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge.

 

"Look, nothing's worth that. I'll tell you what; I'm sailing off for America tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there? I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night and I'll look after you if you look after me - if you know what I mean. You just have to keep very quiet so that you won't be found".

 

The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the sailor sneaked her on board that very night.

 

For the next 3 weeks the sailor came to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and making love to her until dawn.

 

Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship and its lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled blonde, and demanded an explanation.

 

The girl came clean, "I've stowed away to get to America. One of the sailors is helping me out, he set me up in here and brings me food and water every night and he's screwing me."

 

The puzzled captain stared at her for a moment before a grin cracked his face and he replied, "He certainly is pet. This is the Isle of Wight Ferry!"

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Gingeletiss

Gingeletiss

Posted
Posted

A boy about 13 years old walked down the street dragging a flattened frog on a stringbehind him. He came up to the doorstep of a brothel and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured why not,so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls.

He asked,"Do any of the girls have any venereal diseases?"

Of course, the Madam said no.

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want, Since thel ittle boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the cynical Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed amphibian behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the Dose that I just caught."

"When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the dose. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it

"In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the clap, and HE'S the bastard who ran over my frog!"

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INFLUENCED.COM

INFLUENCED.COM

Posted
Posted

A married couple were staying overnight in a hotel room, unfortunately the room only had 2 single beds, as they were settling down in their single beds the husband says "my little honey bunch, i'm lonely wonely" getting the hint she makes her way across the room to his bed, on the way she trips over the suitcase and lands flat on her face, the husband says "ooh, did my little honey bunney hurt her nosey wosey ?" she gets up gets into his bed and they have passionate sex, afterwards she makes her way back to her bed and trips over the suitcase again and lands on her face, the husband turns over in his bed and says "clumsy c[_]nt"

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hamster

hamster

Posted
Posted
A married couple were staying overnight in a hotel room, unfortunately the room only had 2 single beds, as they were settling down in their single beds the husband says "my little honey bunch, i'm lonely wonely" getting the hint she makes her way across the room to his bed, on the way she trips over the suitcase and lands flat on her face, the husband says "ooh, did my little honey bunney hurt her nosey wosey ?" she gets up gets into his bed and they have passionate sex, afterwards she makes her way back to her bed and trips over the suitcase again and lands on her face, the husband turns over in his bed and says "clumsy c[_]nt"

 

Why was the suitcase on the floor?

 

I don't get it, why would anyone leave a suitcase on the floor. Whenever I saty in a hotel I unpack my case and pop it either on top of a ward-robe or under a bed, I would never leave it on the floor where I might trip over it at a later stage.

 

 

Evenb when I've checked into a hotel after a long journey or really late at night I would at least leave my case on the dressing table or push it under a bed!

 

I know this is a the crap joke thread but i thought that was an ironic title, ergo the jokes are a little bit funny, that one is not even believable. Why would anyone leave a suitcase in the middle of their roomon the floor where someone moght accidentally trip over it.

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St.Jeweller

St.Jeweller

Posted
Posted
Why was the suitcase on the floor?

 

I don't get it, why would anyone leave a suitcase on the floor. Whenever I saty in a hotel I unpack my case and pop it either on top of a ward-robe or under a bed, I would never leave it on the floor where I might trip over it at a later stage.

 

 

Evenb when I've checked into a hotel after a long journey or really late at night I would at least leave my case on the dressing table or push it under a bed!

 

I know this is a the crap joke thread but i thought that was an ironic title, ergo the jokes are a little bit funny, that one is not even believable. Why would anyone leave a suitcase in the middle of their roomon the floor where someone moght accidentally trip over it.

 

To get their end away, perhaps :-D

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hamster

hamster

Posted
Posted
To get their end away, perhaps :-D

 

Maybe so, but after re-reading the supposed 'joke' I have another quibble with it.

 

If this couple are only staying 'overnight' in said hotel as was stated, surely they would only require an 'overnight' bag! That is what I would have taken anyway. Maybe it's just me but what is the point in lugging a bloomin great suitcase around when all one would need to take is a change of undies, some basic toiletries and a change of clothes. At a push I may take a hairdryer (just in case) and if it was a romantic occasion possibly a bottle of Rioja. You don;t even need to take a corkscrew nowadays as you can gete even decent wines with screw caps ffs!

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Mr_Red

Mr_Red

Posted
Posted

I made up this joke today, you would never guess that I'm sure, enjoy:

 

Did you hear about the trouble on the set of the french version of Sesame St the other day?

Apparently a young Portsmuff fan, clad in Kappa based products was seen having a fight with the number 8.

Count Dracula, the only witness, told the police how he intervened with the scuffle.

He explained that he was merely separating the huit from the chav.

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INFLUENCED.COM

INFLUENCED.COM

Posted
Posted
Bloke came my local last night who I hadn't seen for ages.

 

"Ain't seen you in here for a while Stan" I said.

 

"I know hammy, I'm sixty two today"

 

"In that case Stan let me buy you a beer. Pint of London Pride?"

 

"Cheers hammy, nice one mate"

 

"Why don't you pop in again tomorrow night, we'll have a game of darts" I say's

 

"Can't mate, I two til ten tomorrow"

 

I laughed out very loud at my stupidity.

 

That is Sir a cracking little joke one which I have been telling for many a year and it always gets a laugh.....from me anyway.

 

A joke is a jome is a joke, some good some not so.

 

Why was the suitcase on the floor?

 

I don't get it, why would anyone leave a suitcase on the floor.

 

I know this is a the crap joke thread but i thought that was an ironic title, ergo the jokes are a little bit funny, that one is not even believable.

 

Irony huh !!

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Footballfan

Footballfan

Posted
Posted

Threat Levels

 

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A

Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the English issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the "Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "****ed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent

fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.

These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!".

Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!',

"I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

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INFLUENCED.COM

INFLUENCED.COM

Posted
Posted

Portsmouth Fan walking down the road with his dog and bumps into a genie who will grant him one wish, the skate says "I would like my dog to win Crufts" the Genie looks at the dog and say's "I can grant wishes, not make miracles happen, your dog has only got 1 ear, 3 legs, no teeth, sorry no can do, anything else you would wish for ?"..."Ok, I want you to save Pompey from relegation" said the fan, after a moments thought the Genie replied "let me take another look at that dog"

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Footballfan

Footballfan

Posted
Posted

A professor at Texas A&M University was giving a lecture on the supernatural.

 

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

 

About 90 students raise their hands.

 

'Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

 

About 40 students raise their hands.

 

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.

 

 

Has anyone here ever talked to or touched a ghost?'

 

About 3 students raise their hand.

 

'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

 

Way in the back, Abdul raises his hand.

 

The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The big student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

 

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Abdul, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

 

Abdul replied, "Ah, Sorry. From way back there I thought you said Goats!”

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INFLUENCED.COM

INFLUENCED.COM

Posted
Posted

New sex drug on the market, its called Viazac ! half Viagra half Prozac, its great...if you don't get a f()ck you don't give a f()ck

 

A word of advice, if you are camping and the attractive young lady in the tent next to you says its so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open its not necessarily an invitation for sex..........I appear in court next Friday

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Redbul

Redbul

Posted
Posted

Pardew, Fergie, Wenger and Rafa are out at dinner. Pardew gets the beers in, then Fergie, then Wenger, the Rafa. Pardew goes back to the bar and gets himself a drink.

"What the f*** is going on here?" the other managers ask.

"Well," says Pardew "This is the 5th round and you *****s aren't in it."

 

Here all week....

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