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Crap Joke Thread (Nov 09)

swannymere

By swannymere,
in The Muppet Show

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Redbul

Redbul

Posted
Posted
Why is it that beds used in porn never make a noise,

but I so much as have a fukcing wa_nk in mine and even the neighbors are knocking on the wall?

 

And you know when you're getting old when you're watching a porn and your first thought is "F*** me, that bed looks comfortable...."

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miserableoldgit

miserableoldgit

Posted
Posted

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything,

I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop,

all I asked was "how are you getting on?"

 

 

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby

"Is this yours?" she asked - "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"

 

 

A pompey girl sent an email to an Agony Aunt "I am 12 years old and haven't had sex yet,

do you think my brother is queer ?"

 

 

My missus has just gone into hospital with 2 black eyes and a broken jaw!

It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said

she wanted decking on the patio

 

 

Sex therapist claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes

licking his ears!! Personally I think its ********!!

 

 

They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right.

After 8 pints I talk **** and can't drive!

 

 

 

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled"

"No" she replies "it's just regular porn you sick bastard"

 

 

A mate of mine has just told me he's ****ging his girlfriend and her twin,

I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers

got a moustache!"

 

 

A biker goes to the Doctor with hearing problems "Can you describe the symptoms to me"

"Yes.....Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!!"

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Redbul

Redbul

Posted
Posted

This bloke walks into a pub in his pyjamas, dressing gown and wheeling a drip on one of those stands on wheels.

Landlord says “You alright mate? What’ll you have?”

 

Bloke says “I’ll have a triple whisky please, but I shouldn’t really with what I’ve got.”

The bloke drinks his whisky, smacks his lips and lets out a great sigh of relief.

Landlord says “You look like you really needed that. Do you want another?”

The poorly chap says “Yes, okay thanks, but I really shouldn’t with what I’ve got.”

Landlord gives him his drink and the bloke starts sipping it. So the Landlord decides to broach the subject; “So, er, what have you got?” He asks the bloke.

“20p” comes the reply.

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miserableoldgit

miserableoldgit

Posted
Posted

If Tommy Cooper were alive today....

 

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'

-----------------------

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

------------------------

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'

-----------------------

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?'

I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'

----------------------------

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'

---------------------------

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'

------------------------------

I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'

--------------------------

I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'

---------------------------

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.

----------------------------

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

----------------------------

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

---------------------------

The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

--------------------------

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin

opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'

----------------------

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said,

'I want you to trace someone for me..'

--------------------------

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said,

'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'

----------------------------

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?'

He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

--------------------------------

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

--------------------------

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first'

He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'

----------------------

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

-------------------------

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said

'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

---------------------------

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.

He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

--------------------------------

I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said,

'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

--------------------------------

A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies.

'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?'

'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'

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Footballfan

Footballfan

Posted
Posted

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES

· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

 

EATING OUT

· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators..

 

MONEY

· A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.

· A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

 

BATHROOMS

· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel ..

· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

 

ARGUMENTS

· A woman has the last word in any argument.

· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 

FUTURE

· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 

SUCCESS

· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 

MARRIAGE

· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

 

DRESSING UP

· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

 

NATURAL

· Men wake up as good-lookin g as they went to bed..

· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 

OFFSPRING

· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

 

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

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hamster

hamster

Posted
Posted

Put down your coffee.

 

A blonde gets a job as a teacher

 

On her first day she notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

 

'You ok?' she says.

 

'Yes.' he says.

 

'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.

 

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

 

'Why?' says the blonde.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The boy says: "Because I'm the goal keeper"

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Weston Saint

Weston Saint

Posted
Posted

Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on.

 

That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired to their room at the palace.

 

Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, ones feet are killing one.'

 

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour

 

But it would not budge.

 

'Harder' yelled Camilla.

 

'Harder?' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'

 

'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried.

 

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'Oh God, that feels so good.'

 

In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, 'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!'

 

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this ones even tighter'

 

At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen: 'That's my boy, Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!'

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dubai_phil

dubai_phil

Posted
Posted

A wealthy Skate passed away and left his entire

estate to his beloved widow . . . but she can't touch it 'till she's 14.

Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a murder in Skatesmuff:

1) The DNA is all the same

2) There are no dental records

A new special by-law was just recently passed in Skatesmuff

When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

 

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Teddy Nutkins

Teddy Nutkins

Posted
Posted

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

 

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

 

He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way.'

 

The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.'

 

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.

 

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and they go on their honeymoon.

 

That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.'

 

He immediately drops his pants and replies, .....'Look at this, .....still in the CRATE!'

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tpbury

tpbury

Posted
Posted
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

 

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

 

He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way.'

 

The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.'

 

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.

 

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and they go on their honeymoon.

 

That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.'

 

He immediately drops his pants and replies, .....'Look at this, .....still in the CRATE!'

 

Least funny joke so far.

 

However, have been impressed by others on this thread. Let's make comedy heaven for November!!

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Viking Warrior

Viking Warrior

Posted
Posted

double-entendres that have been aired on British

TV & Radio

 

 

 

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from

Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

 

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it

when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

 

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely

horse. I once rode her mother.'

 

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't

that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the

Oxford crew.'

 

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is

playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his

balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??'

 

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team

Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

 

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have

snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's

that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to

leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so

hard!

 

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much

better today after a 69 yesterday.'

 

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North

said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night

like this.'

 

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky

Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he

gets.'

 

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male

astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage

remarked:

 

'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come

in his shorts.'

 

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny

Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to

use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself

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Red&White

Red&White

Posted
Posted
Young Pikey girl sat with her mum the night before her wedding. Her mum says to her, "l want to talk to you about your wedding night".

 

"Your husband will want to stick his most prized posession where you pee."

 

The girl turns to her mum & says,

 

"Why would he want to put his tarmac rake in the sink"?

 

Christ that made me laugh so much my sides hurt ! :D ( I know I am a sad old git ! )

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