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Crap Joke Thread (Nov 09)

swannymere

By swannymere,
in The Muppet Show

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swannymere

swannymere

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Posted

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

 

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

 

When the Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

 

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.

 

I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

 

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him..

 

I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

 

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.'

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swannymere

swannymere

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Christ, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

 

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.. i'm a defective parrot.'

 

'Holy ****,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'

 

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird'

 

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks, 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?'

 

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willy around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.'

 

'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English can't you?'

 

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic; politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'

 

The guy looks at the £200.00 price tag.... 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

 

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20; just make the guy an offer!'

 

The guy offers £20 and walks out with the parrot.

 

Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational, he has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great friend, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

 

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the DHL man..'

 

'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.

 

'When the DHL man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'

 

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'

 

'Well, then the DHL man came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began touching her all over,' reported the parrot.

 

'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?'

 

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over....'

 

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

 

'Buggered if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!'

Edited by swannymere
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swannymere

swannymere

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Young Pikey girl sat with her mum the night before her wedding. Her mum says to her, "l want to talk to you about your wedding night".

 

"Your husband will want to stick his most prized posession where you pee."

 

The girl turns to her mum & says,

 

"Why would he want to put his tarmac rake in the sink"?

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Johnny Bognor

Johnny Bognor

Posted
Posted
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Christ, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

 

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.. i'm a defective parrot.'

 

'Holy ****,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'

 

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird'

 

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks, 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?'

 

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willy around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.'

 

'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English can't you?'

 

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic; politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'

 

The guy looks at the £200.00 price tag.... 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

 

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20; just make the guy an offer!'

 

The guy offers £20 and walks out with the parrot.

 

Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational, he has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great friend, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

 

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the Postman..'

 

'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.

 

'When the postman delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'

 

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'

 

'Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began touching her all over,' reported the parrot.

 

'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?'

 

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over....'

 

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

 

'Buggered if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!'

 

That is totally unrealistic. It couldn't have been a postman, they're on strike.

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swannymere

swannymere

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As Mum was working away for the week, dad thought he would cook the kids a surprise meal, when they came in from school.

 

He had been to the butchers and bought some venison (Deer).

 

He served it all up and said to the kids guess what this meat is? They looked at each other then back at dad, he said I'll give you a clue.

 

Its what mummy calls daddy, quick as a flash Johnny says, don't eat it, its a F***ing Knob.

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RedAndWhite91

RedAndWhite91

Posted
Posted

Jade Goody got praised for raising awareness about cervical cancer even though she didn't have the jab and she eventually died from the disease. I accidentally left my gas cooker on the other day and it blew up, killing my wife and three kids. Did I get praised about raising awareness of the dangers of gas cookers? Did I ****.

 

-Courtesy of Viz.

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RedAndWhite91

RedAndWhite91

Posted
Posted

I recently had to use a public phone box in London, and was shocked to see a card advertising a 'Spanking by a naughty nurse, any time'. No wonder my mother has been waiting for a hip operation for 18 months when these so-called healthcare professionals are willing to abandon their patients at the drop of a hat in order to attend to someone's sexual lustings.

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hamster

hamster

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Posted
I recently had to use a public phone box in London, and was shocked to see a card advertising a 'Spanking by a naughty nurse, any time'. No wonder my mother has been waiting for a hip operation for 18 months when these so-called healthcare professionals are willing to abandon their patients at the drop of a hat in order to attend to someone's sexual lustings.

 

I did hear that the surgeon who performs hip replacments is the 'coolest' guy in the hospital.

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swannymere

swannymere

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An elderly couple are enjoying a meal and some drinks in their local restaurant. The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you?'

 

"Yes", she says, 'I remember it well.'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

 

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

 

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

 

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground..The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

 

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

 

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.

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St Landrew

St Landrew

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Paddy [the Irishman..?] dies and ends up in Hell.

The Devil shows him three doors. "Pick one room behind the doors where you'll spend eternity".

Paddy looks behind the first door, where boiling water was dripping in from the ceiling.

Behind the second door were hot coals to endlessly walk upon.

Behind the third door an old man was getting a BJ from a busty naked blonde woman.

"I'll take door 3" says Paddy quickly.

The devil taps the blonde on the shoulder, "you can go now, Paddy's taking over..!"

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ozzmeister

ozzmeister

Posted
Posted

Please see my effort below for the Crap Joke Thread.

 

To kick off I would like to tell a few jokes, some may say they’re quite cheesy – I’ll let you decide

 

- What Cheese is made backwards? Edam

 

- What sort of cheese would you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone

 

- What do you call a Communist Cheese from the Midlands? Red Leicester

 

- What did Chelsea fans chant for Zola? Gorgonzola (Gor, Go on, Zola)

 

- What is a heavy cheese that doesn’t move? Stilton

 

- What sort of cheese would you use to entice a bear out of a tree? Camembert

 

- What sort of cheese is like a baby’s privates? Baby Bel

 

- what cheeses float in the wind? Bries

- What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho Cheese

 

A lesson to anyone who thinks hip hop and working out is a good combination

 

- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1YJc-0t526Q

 

Finally a few clips from my favourite Comedian Lee Evans and possibly his best gig – Live in Scotland

 

- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psLU3urWMKk (an ode to Fridays)

 

-

(for the pet lovers and those who like mirrors)

 

- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HzIKjbz58_8&feature=related (for the tennis fans, and those who can’t count)

 

-

(a final dedication to those who like a pint)

 

N/B This was copied from a previous email I sent round my team at work - thought I would share it with you guys as well.

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JonnyLove

JonnyLove

Posted
Posted
Please see my effort below for the Crap Joke Thread.

 

To kick off I would like to tell a few jokes, some may say they’re quite cheesy – I’ll let you decide

 

- What Cheese is made backwards? Edam

 

- What sort of cheese would you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone

 

- What do you call a Communist Cheese from the Midlands? Red Leicester

 

- What did Chelsea fans chant for Zola? Gorgonzola (Gor, Go on, Zola)

 

- What is a heavy cheese that doesn’t move? Stilton

 

- What sort of cheese would you use to entice a bear out of a tree? Camembert

 

- What sort of cheese is like a baby’s privates? Baby Bel

 

- what cheeses float in the wind? Bries

- What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho Cheese

 

A lesson to anyone who thinks hip hop and working out is a good combination

 

- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1YJc-0t526Q

 

Finally a few clips from my favourite Comedian Lee Evans and possibly his best gig – Live in Scotland

 

- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psLU3urWMKk (an ode to Fridays)

 

-

(for the pet lovers and those who like mirrors)

 

- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HzIKjbz58_8&feature=related (for the tennis fans, and those who can’t count)

 

-

(a final dedication to those who like a pint)

 

N/B This was copied from a previous email I sent round my team at work - thought I would share it with you guys as well.

 

You need shooting

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John Boy Saint

John Boy Saint

Posted
Posted

I answered a knock on the door over the weekend, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

 

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

 

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.

 

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.

 

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, I will personally eat the remainder.'

 

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a f****** good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.

 

What part of broke did you not understand?'

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John Boy Saint

John Boy Saint

Posted
Posted

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, ( looking up.)

 

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.

 

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the f-n' height of this flagpole, but we don't have a f-'n ladder.'

 

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

 

Then, she walked off.

 

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!

 

We need the f-n' height - and she gives us the f-n' length.'

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tpbury

tpbury

Posted
Posted

Albert and Doris were married and lived in the same old people's home.

One night, Doris noticed Albert was missing and went to find him.

 

To her dismay she found him lying in bed with Ena from the next door. There was movement under the sheets and Ena's hands weren't visible. Albert was grinning from ear to ear.

 

"Oh Albert," said Doris, "What does Ena have that I don't?"

 

Albert replied: "Well, Parkinsons"

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INFLUENCED.COM

INFLUENCED.COM

Posted
Posted

Snail is on a bar when the barman grabs hold of it and throws it out of the door, 2 weeks later the same snail is back on the bar and says to the barman "what did you do that for"

 

Two drunks wondering around the streets when one finds a broken mirror he's looking into it and says to his mate "I'm sure I know this bloke from somewhere" his mate grabs it off him, looks at it and says "of course you do, its me"

 

In his latest biography Bill Clinton claims Monica Lewinsky, who was in charge of personnel, was dyslexic and he had asked her to come into the Oval office and sack his cook

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miserableoldgit

miserableoldgit

Posted
Posted

Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22-year-old white male,

in a pumpkin patch, at 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.

 

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse,

Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.

 

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a

heavy drinking session when he decided to stop. 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and

squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't

anyone around,' he stated in a telephone interview.

 

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,

picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it,

and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?'

he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed,

Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until

Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

 

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to

Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what

happened when she approached Lawrence .

'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin? '

 

'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight

in the face and said...

"A pumpkin? **** .... is it midnight already?"'

 

This was in the Washington Post...the title of the article was 'Best Come Back Line Ever.'

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miserableoldgit

miserableoldgit

Posted
Posted

The best engine

 

A notable gynaecologist once said,

 

"The best engine in the world is the vagina.

It can be started with one finger.

It is self-lubricating.

It takes any size piston.

And it changes its own oil every four weeks.

 

It is only a pity that the management system is so ****ing temperamental."

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Dog

Dog

Posted
Posted (edited)

After our first child, my wife said she'd never experienced anything more painful than childbirth.

 

Well, she's obviously never tried to eat a toblerone straight from the fridge.

Edited by Dog
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Johnny Bognor

Johnny Bognor

Posted
Posted
The best engine

 

A notable gynaecologist once said,

 

"The best engine in the world is the vagina.

It can be started with one finger.

It is self-lubricating.

It takes any size piston.

And it changes its own oil every four weeks.

 

It is only a pity that the management system is so ****ing temperamental."

 

 

,,, and when it goes wrong, there is a funny smell and it leaks ...

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dubai_phil

dubai_phil

Posted
Posted

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I

can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2

hours.' The guy left.

 

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,

'How long before I can get a haircut?' The barber looked around at the

shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy left.

 

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How

long before I can get a haircut?'

 

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a

half.' The guy left.

 

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor.

Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has

to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.'

 

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing

hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does that guy go when he leaves?'

 

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, 'Your house!'

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