miserableoldgit Posted 9 October, 2009 Share Posted 9 October, 2009 A guy goes to the doctor and says "I think I might have a hearing problem." Doc says "Can you describe the symptoms?". The guy says "Yeah. Its basically a cartoon about this family called Homer, Bart, Lisa ......" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
INFLUENCED.COM Posted 9 October, 2009 Share Posted 9 October, 2009 My wife came into the bedroom last night and said she was about to make me the happiest man alive, I told her not to be so stupid, noone would help her pack at this time of night Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marsdinho Posted 9 October, 2009 Share Posted 9 October, 2009 What do you call a Spanish pervert...... Senor Boobs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Master Bates Posted 9 October, 2009 Share Posted 9 October, 2009 A girl in a bar said to me, "I wouldn't f*ck you if you were the last person alive." Leaning over and whispering, I replied, "But who would be around to stop me?" Wiped the smug look off her face. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dog Posted 9 October, 2009 Share Posted 9 October, 2009 Whilst discussing the fairer sex one evening in the pub, an Australian friend said he loves a woman who is 'full of spunk'. You should have seen his tears of joy when I took him to my lock-up to see what me and my 12 mates did to his girlfriend last night. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dog Posted 9 October, 2009 Share Posted 9 October, 2009 I'm not normally suspicious, but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected his special resin into her crack. She hasn't even got a car. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Master Bates Posted 9 October, 2009 Share Posted 9 October, 2009 Yeah, i'm sorry about that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
INFLUENCED.COM Posted 9 October, 2009 Share Posted 9 October, 2009 Bloke goes into a library and asks if they have the book on sex with dwarfs, shocked the librarian says "How can you fckin stoop so low" ? "yep, thats the one" he replied Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Master Bates Posted 9 October, 2009 Share Posted 9 October, 2009 Man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. "You're in luck" replied the librarian, "some bald bloke's just brought it back". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JonnyLove Posted 9 October, 2009 Share Posted 9 October, 2009 Man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. "You're in luck" replied the librarian, "some bald bloke's just brought it back". Took me a while but then it hit Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
INFLUENCED.COM Posted 9 October, 2009 Share Posted 9 October, 2009 15 year old lad comes down the stairs wearing his best clothes carrying a torch, his Dad asks "where you going dressed like that with a torch" the boy replied "out courting" his Dad went on to to tell him how he used to go out courting but never took a torch, the boy then replied "yeah, and look what you ended up with !!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JonnyLove Posted 9 October, 2009 Share Posted 9 October, 2009 For all those with points on your licences. You can now get your licence clean and get paid. A new company willing to pay you money for all your points. for more details please visit http://www.portsmouthfc.co.uk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 9 October, 2009 Share Posted 9 October, 2009 Man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. "You're in luck" replied the librarian, "some bald bloke's just brought it back". Took me a while but then it hit I'm nonplussed, don't get it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JonnyLove Posted 9 October, 2009 Share Posted 9 October, 2009 I'm nonplussed, don't get it. The bald bloke from little britains ex commuted suicide the other day Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eurosaint Posted 10 October, 2009 Share Posted 10 October, 2009 Quiz night in a Pompey pub. The final question was - " Take That's latest album consists of 4 words, the first 2 are 'Take That', what are the other 2 words" ?? Long pause before someone pipes up............... "Ya c u n t " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
INFLUENCED.COM Posted 10 October, 2009 Share Posted 10 October, 2009 The bald bloke from little britains ex commuted suicide the other day Dear Matt Lucas I am sorry to hear about your ex, I for one find you very attractive and you remind me of my ex who has also sadly passed away, if you want to hook up give me a call Yours Sincerely Jack Tweed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JonnyLove Posted 10 October, 2009 Share Posted 10 October, 2009 Dear Matt Lucas I am sorry to hear about your ex, I for one find you very attractive and you remind me of my ex who has also sadly passed away, if you want to hook up give me a call Yours Sincerely Jack Tweed I laughed to hard on that one and wee'd Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 10 October, 2009 Share Posted 10 October, 2009 I REALLY should not find this thread amusing, but surpised myself with a little smile. Will I still go to heaven? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saint_stevo Posted 10 October, 2009 Share Posted 10 October, 2009 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Golden Balls Posted 10 October, 2009 Share Posted 10 October, 2009 I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled." Unbelievable what some people are into. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 10 October, 2009 Share Posted 10 October, 2009 I was checking in for my flight last week and the check in girl said 'window seat or aisle' 'Or you'll what' I replied aggresively. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saint boggy Posted 11 October, 2009 Share Posted 11 October, 2009 His and hers diary entries: HERS....Saturday; he was quiet,subdued, not his usual self.something is wrong.He hasn't kissed me all night,not even looked in my direction.i think he is seeing another woman. i went to bed and cried. he followed me up later. i cuddled him and stroked his hair, hoping that he would open up and start talkin to me. we ended up making love and fell asleep in each others arms. HIS.......Saturday; Saints lost...f9ckin gutted........got a $hag though!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saint boggy Posted 11 October, 2009 Share Posted 11 October, 2009 a man walks past a driveway and sees a Jamaican man putting up a sign "boat for sale".the man looks but all he can see is a caravan and a jeep.the man walks up to the Jamaican and says "Where's the boat?, all i can see is a caravan and a jeep" . "Yah, man" replies the Jamaican.."and they boat for sale" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weston Super Saint Posted 11 October, 2009 Share Posted 11 October, 2009 At this rate, Matt Lucas really will be the only gay in the village! I can’t understand why Boyzone fans are upset by jokes about Stephen Gately. It’s only words. Stephen Gately's just entered the pearly gates. No change there then. Dear Grim Reaper I'll let you into a little secret, Jamie Oliver and RobskII are gay. And before we get Chrisobee coming on here all crying into his hanky, and Boj getting all E-upset, I'd love to know why post No.16 has lasted so long Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RonManager Posted 11 October, 2009 Share Posted 11 October, 2009 I REALLY should not find this thread amusing, but surpised myself with a little smile. Will I still go to heaven? 50/50 now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
69 saint Posted 11 October, 2009 Share Posted 11 October, 2009 when i was on a TWA filght in the states a few years back a gorgeous stewardess said good mornings sir would you like to try some of our TWA coffee i said no but i'll love to try some of your TWA tea Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
St Landrew Posted 12 October, 2009 Share Posted 12 October, 2009 A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150?" she cried. "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £15, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ash Posted 12 October, 2009 Share Posted 12 October, 2009 a man walks past a driveway and sees a Jamaican man putting up a sign "boat for sale".the man looks but all he can see is a caravan and a jeep.the man walks up to the Jamaican and says "Where's the boat?, all i can see is a caravan and a jeep" . "Yah, man" replies the Jamaican.."and they boat for sale" Just for future reference; jokes in which the humour is derived from misunderstandings based on accents shouldn't use signs as a plot device as they wouldn't properly convey the accent. Hope this helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dog Posted 13 October, 2009 Share Posted 13 October, 2009 What’s pink and goes round and round on a carousel? Stephen Gately's suitcase Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrisobee Posted 15 October, 2009 Share Posted 15 October, 2009 At this rate, Matt Lucas really will be the only gay in the village! I can’t understand why Boyzone fans are upset by jokes about Stephen Gately. It’s only words. Stephen Gately's just entered the pearly gates. No change there then. Dear Grim Reaper I'll let you into a little secret, Jamie Oliver and RobskII are gay. And before we get Chrisobee coming on here all crying into his hanky, and Boj getting all E-upset, I'd love to know why post No.16 has lasted so long The last time I cried into my hanky was about a year ago when my Dad died. You know what ? It wasn't funny, death may be inevitable but funny it most certainly is not. When someone shows a complete lack of respect and posts a homophobic thread on someone who has just died then that's just wholly unacceptable. That was the reason I started the thread in the Lounge as I'm entitled to but even then certain muppets decided to hijack it and get it closed showing disrespect not only for Stephen Gately but myself as the originator of the thread. On those points I am very clear. To be honest I'm getting pretty damned tired of your smug, know it all remarks but post what you like, just leave me out of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrisobee Posted 15 October, 2009 Share Posted 15 October, 2009 On a lighter note...... Two Aussie builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit. Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant. Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker. Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here! The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder. Phil: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living? Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession. Phil: - Oh! What's that then? Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home? Phil: - Er... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens! Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it? Phil: - It's in a pond! Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden! Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house? Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself! Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children. Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis? Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week! Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often? Phil: - Me? Never. Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work! Phil: - How's that then? Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life! Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate! Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate. Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does? Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist! Eric: - What's that then? Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish? Eric: - Nope. Phil: - Well then, you're a w***er..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weston Super Saint Posted 15 October, 2009 Share Posted 15 October, 2009 The last time I cried into my hanky was about a year ago when my Dad died. You know what ? It wasn't funny, death may be inevitable but funny it most certainly is not. When someone shows a complete lack of respect and posts a homophobic thread on someone who has just died then that's just wholly unacceptable. That was the reason I started the thread in the Lounge as I'm entitled to but even then certain muppets decided to hijack it and get it closed showing disrespect not only for Stephen Gately but myself as the originator of the thread. On those points I am very clear. To be honest I'm getting pretty damned tired of your smug, know it all remarks but post what you like, just leave me out of it. Textbook. I can't improve on this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 15 October, 2009 Share Posted 15 October, 2009 Back on the silly joke topic again.... A woman comes home and finds her husband in bed with a female midget. The wife's furious and screams at him "You bastard!!!! You promised you wouldn't cheat on me again!!!!" The husband replies "For cryin' out loud woman, can't you see I'm trying to cut down?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 15 October, 2009 Share Posted 15 October, 2009 Pulled a bird last night with really bad eczema. Nice girl, cracking t i t s. I'm so sorry about that one....:smt009 But after 10 years of marriage my wife still goes mental if I use her toothbrush. But if you know a better way of getting dog **** off of your trainers, I'm all ears.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Footballfan Posted 15 October, 2009 Share Posted 15 October, 2009 Afternoon Sex The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a lollipop and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: - 'There's a car being towed from the car park ,' he shouted. - 'An ambulance just drove by!' - 'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out. - 'Matt's riding a new bike!' - 'Looks like the Sanders are moving!' - 'Jason is on his skate board!' - After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!' Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're having sex?' 'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a lollipop.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ericofarabia Posted 16 October, 2009 Share Posted 16 October, 2009 On a lighter note...... Two Aussie builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit. Less of the insults please. That's nearly as bad as saying we were ghey !! Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish? Eric: - Nope. Phil: - Well then, you're a w***er..... Only during the summer months ... Wife Away No Kids Eating Rubbish !!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Footballfan Posted 16 October, 2009 Share Posted 16 October, 2009 Man of the house The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'. He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe... Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair? Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife replied, 'The funeral director would be my first guess.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 16 October, 2009 Share Posted 16 October, 2009 But after 10 years of marriage my wife still goes mental if I use her toothbrush. But if you know a better way of getting dog **** off of your trainers, I'm all ears.... True story. I was with the 1st mrs hamster at the time. I found my toothvrush on top of the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. Used it, put it back in toothbrush holder and went to work. Got home later on and she sheepishly fessed up that she'd used it to clean cat (Barratt) poo from our quilt. Dirty filthy *****, I suppose the sriting was on the wall from that moment on. Not being heartless, but I did have a wry smile to myslef when *she died later that same year. *Barratt not mrs h. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Footballfan Posted 16 October, 2009 Share Posted 16 October, 2009 An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999. Irishman: ''It's my wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've killed her!'' Operator: ''Please calm down Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead!'' ……………… *click* *BANG! * Irishman: ''Okay, done that. What next?'' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Footballfan Posted 16 October, 2009 Share Posted 16 October, 2009 The following are replies that Manchester women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details;" or putting it another way.... Who's your Daddy? Be sure to checkout #10. It takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up. 1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins,Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night. 2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps. 3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 360 East Bolton Avenue where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks. 4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced. 5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again. 6. I cannot tell you the name of Aleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country . Please advise. 7.Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue. 8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom. 9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Gordon Ramsey did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56 Miller St, mine might have remained unfertilized. 10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
St Landrew Posted 16 October, 2009 Share Posted 16 October, 2009 This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolls back over and starts to go back to sleep. A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Footballfan Posted 16 October, 2009 Share Posted 16 October, 2009 Male Date-Drug Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman. Many females use a date-drug on the market called 'Beer ' . The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship' . In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'. Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saint boggy Posted 16 October, 2009 Share Posted 16 October, 2009 Just for future reference; jokes in which the humour is derived from misunderstandings based on accents shouldn't use signs as a plot device as they wouldn't properly convey the accent. Hope this helps. 'kin 'ell mate....you're cheery, aren't ya!! :smt104 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dubai_phil Posted 16 October, 2009 Share Posted 16 October, 2009 Only during the summer months ... Wife Away No Kids Eating Rubbish !!! He forgot the s on the end for the plural version.... Which leads us swiftly on to B'day party night - Oktoberfest & Seaview Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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