skintsaint Posted 17 September, 2009 Share Posted 17 September, 2009 THIS IS LABOUR GOVERNMENT REST OF THE WORLD VERSION: The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. THE END ------------------------------------------------------------- ----------- LABOUR GOVERNMENT THE UK VERSION The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food. The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so, while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi-cultural choir singing 'We shall overcome'. Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his 'fair share' and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London . In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper. Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain 's apparent love of dogs. The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to return them to their own country were abandoned, because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards. A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers' drug 'illness'. The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK . The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery. A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The government praises the asylum-seeking cats for enriching Britain 's multicultural diversity, and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats. The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a government minister. The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom . The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses. Their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds. THE END Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OLYMPIC Posted 23 September, 2009 Share Posted 23 September, 2009 That about sums it up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
norwaysaint Posted 23 September, 2009 Share Posted 23 September, 2009 Where's this story from? I haven't read about this anywhere else. This is outrageous that so much time, effort and money is being spent on a grasshopper! Especially as the main reason seems to be to seem caring in the media. I think we need to start a defence league to complain about the disproportionate amount of resources going towards insects under this so called "government". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint Martini Posted 23 September, 2009 Share Posted 23 September, 2009 But what if the grasshopper would be an injured squirrel (it broke its leg falling out of a tree) and therefore cannot get enough nuts for the winter? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Give it to Ron Posted 23 September, 2009 Share Posted 23 September, 2009 But what if the grasshopper would be an injured squirrel (it broke its leg falling out of a tree) and therefore cannot get enough nuts for the winter? He would claim invalidity benefit off the National Health for Squirrels or NHS as its better known. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hatch Posted 23 September, 2009 Share Posted 23 September, 2009 What happened to the single Squirrels in tracksuits with lots of baby squirrels of assorted colours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J Bizzle Posted 23 September, 2009 Share Posted 23 September, 2009 Couldn't be ****ed to read it, but **** Labour. BNP are the way forward. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pancake Posted 23 September, 2009 Share Posted 23 September, 2009 Pretty sure the squirrel in question is a grey, not the native red. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weston Super Saint Posted 23 September, 2009 Share Posted 23 September, 2009 Pretty sure the squirrel in question is a grey, not the native red. You'll be in trouble now, pointing out colour differences is a huge no, no :shock: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pancake Posted 23 September, 2009 Share Posted 23 September, 2009 You'll be in trouble now, pointing out colour differences is a huge no, no :shock: The Red Defence League will be after me now! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
norwaysaint Posted 23 September, 2009 Share Posted 23 September, 2009 I'm not interested in finding out more than the Daily Mail/red tops tell me. I think I should be better off and want to blame someone for my petty problems and tiny hardships. I want lowest common denominator slogans and policies. **** thinking, logic and reason, BNP/NF are the way forward. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
norwaysaint Posted 23 September, 2009 Share Posted 23 September, 2009 You'll be in trouble now, pointing out colour differences is a huge no, no :shock: Although flippant, this is the kind of comment that shows where so many people's misunderstandings and problems lie and why so many people don't really know what the "PC" the sneer at actually means. There is no problem with pointing out colour differences, race differences, gender differences. There is no problem with discriminating either. For example if I was making a film about Winston Churchill, I would discriminate a black actor or woman as they did not meet the criteria for that role. I iscriminate all day over who I find attractive, based on many different physical features. This is normal and correct. What PC means is simply that you shouldn't discriminate blindly based on prejudice. For example I can't decide not to hire somebody for an IT job based on the same race or gender issues, as these are not the relevant criteria. Many people over the years have been pulled up for this practice, which used to be common and failed to understand it completely and then called everything they disagreed with "PC". Also some idiots in positions of administration didn't grasp this either and made petty rules that had nothing to do with PC, resulting in "They've banned Christmas, it's PC gone mad" type nonsense. It's not rocket science, it's just not being ignorant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 23 September, 2009 Share Posted 23 September, 2009 (edited) Pretty sure the squirrel in question is a grey, not the native red. In which case it's an unwanted immigrant, pushing the indigenous Red Squirrels out of their natural environment and taking the prime accommodation on the Common and in Hyde Park, etc. Bl00dy Yanks, overfed, overweight, and over here ! Where are the immigration and border controls when we need them ? Edited 23 September, 2009 by badgerx16 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiltshire Saint Posted 23 September, 2009 Share Posted 23 September, 2009 I'd like to know the source of this report, but if Im pretty sure it's correct. The fact that a grasshopper was guilty of stabbing an old dog has made me furious. I should kill every grasshopper I ever saw. Stinking, f*cking grasshopper c*nts. They come over here and they cause trouble. I know the story only mentions one grasshopper stabbing an old dog, but it is probably safe to assume that all grasshoppers are the same. Well, they all look the same to me anyway. And I'm sure that there will be loads of pro grasshopper knobheads on here banging on about how we shouldn't judge all grasshoppers on the behaviour of one, but those people are blind to what is happening in this country. There is an upswelling against the Grasshoppers. I don't mind grasshoppers, as long as they come here and act like people, but they don't. They want us all to be grasshoppers. I am constantly being bombarded with messages (on TV, in the grasshopper controlled press, from the government - who seem to be run for the benefit of grasshoppers) that it is wrong to be a human and that I should be a grasshopper. My little boy even started to make a grasshopper sound the other day. I went into my study (because I am an educated man) and cried. I cried at the way that us humans are being slowly ousted by the grasshoppers and that there are so many people out there who just cannot see what is going on. God help us all (apart from the grasshoppers, they're b*astards) and let us not forget the old dog. RIP old dog. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miserableoldgit Posted 23 September, 2009 Share Posted 23 September, 2009 Where's this story from? I haven't read about this anywhere else. This is outrageous that so much time, effort and money is being spent on a grasshopper! Especially as the main reason seems to be to seem caring in the media. I think we need to start a defence league to complain about the disproportionate amount of resources going towards insects under this so called "government". You didn`t used to have blonde hair and co-star in "The Vicar of Dibley" did you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 23 September, 2009 Share Posted 23 September, 2009 (edited) What if the grasshopper used to live in a country which had lots of lovely spices which the squirrel took from him under the threat of death, or even kidnapped the grasshoppers grandparents and made them his slaves? What if the grasshoppers granddad lost his life fighting in the squirrels army, and his uncle lost a leg in the same war and got sent back to grasshopperland (unable to hop now though) to fend for himself and his several dozen offspring (ref: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grasshopper) Anyway, what if mr grasshopper is a decent plumber, who will do a better job than his squirrel counterpart for half the money (and CASH to boot)? What if mr grasshopper has a proven goalscoring record eh? Oh!! Edited 23 September, 2009 by hamster Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OLYMPIC Posted 23 September, 2009 Share Posted 23 September, 2009 But what if the grasshopper would be an injured squirrel (it broke its leg falling out of a tree) and therefore cannot get enough nuts for the wint er? Not to worry i expect he could claim on some Health and Safety in the workplace related injury. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Viking Warrior Posted 23 September, 2009 Share Posted 23 September, 2009 Sorry theres one thing be supportive of the grass hoppper but are these acts not themselves discriminating against locusts. And why are social workers not doing anything about annorexic stick insects. there should be a full and independant enquiry undertaken to establish who was to blame. Also returning to the squirrel, perhaps I wont go there re the american Black Squirrel that is now invading our shores Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wade Garrett Posted 24 September, 2009 Share Posted 24 September, 2009 If it was one of those grey squirrels then he deserved everything he got. They are c*nts and are committing genocide on the red squirrels. We should take arms to try and stop the grey fascist squirrels from taking over Europe. We'll fight them on the f*cking beaches. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pancake Posted 24 September, 2009 Share Posted 24 September, 2009 If it was one of those grey squirrels then he deserved everything he got. They are c*nts and are committing genocide on the red squirrels. We should take arms to try and stop the grey fascist squirrels from taking over Europe. We'll fight them on the f*cking beaches. branches. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sussexsaint Posted 24 September, 2009 Share Posted 24 September, 2009 I spend all my working life with these 'grasshoppers' who laugh and play and sing , and top up their mobile whilst getting pregnant after drinking too many bacardi breezers, wear gold clowns around their necks and stick 2 fingers up at authority and anyone trying to do what the squirrel does and it gives me some deeply troubling thoughts that I really shouldn't have regarding squishing them Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mao Cap Posted 24 September, 2009 Share Posted 24 September, 2009 Blah blah, bullsh*t bullsh*t, woe is me, etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saints11 Posted 24 September, 2009 Share Posted 24 September, 2009 Couldn't be ****ed to read it, but **** Labour. BNP are the way forward. Still averaging 140% at Uni? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sussexsaint Posted 24 September, 2009 Share Posted 24 September, 2009 Blah blah, bullsh*t bullsh*t, woe is me, etc. Very eloquent. You don't believe that the benefit chavs are infact proving Darwin wrong ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ash Posted 24 September, 2009 Share Posted 24 September, 2009 Do the rest of the world really base government policy on the animal kingdom? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 25 September, 2009 Share Posted 25 September, 2009 Do the rest of the world really base government policy on the animal kingdom? It's a jungle out there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Atticus Finch of Maycomb Posted 25 September, 2009 Share Posted 25 September, 2009 A modern satirical version of the story, in circulation since at least 2002, has the grasshopper calling a press conference at the beginning of the winter to complain about socio-economic inequity, and being given the ant's house. This version was written in 1994 by Pittsburgh talk show guru, Jim Quinn.[3] Conservative columnist Michelle Malkin also updated the story in connection with the proposed 2008 banking rescue package.[4] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Boy Saint Posted 25 September, 2009 Share Posted 25 September, 2009 But what if the grasshopper would be an injured squirrel (it broke its leg falling out of a tree) and therefore cannot get enough nuts for the winter? Having provided for himself with a moderate income paying full Tax and NI without any draw on the welfare state for the whole of his long working life Mr Squirrel when he calls on the welfare state for assistance will have every single obstruction in the book put up in his way as no way can a provider to the welfare state become a beneficiary as he should get back providing again as soon as possible seeing as he does not have the natural inclination to do bugger all and sign on every week thus supporting the welfare state to the income levels that will be effective allowing Mr Grasshopper to carry on doing feck all and laughing at Mr Squirrels endeavours when he his back to work................... Fullstop Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now