Letter from the top

[Crouchie's Lawyer]

To all Jihadists,

 

Subject: The Cave (do not distribute outside the Organization)

 

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come

together as a group and I love that! However, while we continue to fight the

infidels in this New Year, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly

I have a few concerns.

 

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should

be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation (a health and safety issue), so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning - Rota .. have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).

 

Second, it's not often I make a video address. But when I do, I'm trying to

scare the **** out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that

while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep

doing the 'wassup' thing. Thanks.

 

Third - food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently. I clearly wrote "Ossy" on the

front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone.

Consideration - that's all I'm saying.

 

Fourth, I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the infidel's bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ozzy, ozzy, ozzy, oi, oi, oi" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

 

Fifth - graffiti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA ****S DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall - it's a lie. The donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

 

Sixth, the use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam - the old excuse that the

'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the

mountain' will not be accepted in future (with donkeys, there is a grey area).

 

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to

infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol

will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.

 

Love you lots,

 

Group Hug.

Os.

 

PS - I'm sick of having "Osama Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut it

out, it's not funny anymore.

[Saint Keith]

1st lol of the morning