Joke

[St Will]

My wife has just left me, she walked out and took with her my Bob Marley collection and the satellite dish................I woke up this morning to no woman, no sky

[Redbul]

Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last night. They didn't get any of my jokes but they still ****ed themselves.

 

 

 

Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, 'How dare you call me a slapper, get out of my bed right now and take your f***ing mates with you.'

 

 

 

 

[sorry....]

[Marsdinho]

I'd give my right arm to get a girlfriend.

 

Well, I wouldn't need it so much would I?

[hamster]

I'd give my right arm to get a girlfriend.

 

Well, I wouldn't need it so much would I?

 

You don't need arms to be a ******. hth

[Marsdinho]

You don't need arms to be a ******. hth

 

I dont get it, that's a rubbish joke.

[skintsaint]

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter, 'It's only someone having the holes drilled into her shoulder blades for the wings.'

 

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

A few minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

 

'Oh my Goodness,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'

 

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter, 'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'

 

'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'

 

'You can't go to that nasty place,' says St. Peter.'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'

 

'Maybe so,' says the old lady,

but I've already got the holes for that.'

[smithy]

2 goldfish in a tank.

 

One says to the other - How do you drive this thing then?

[Viking Warrior]

Global Facts . . .

 

At Any Given Moment:

 

FACT:

 

79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now.

 

FACT:

 

58,000,000 are kissing.

 

FACT:

 

37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

 

FACT:

 

1 old timer is reading emails.

 

You hang in there, Sunshine . .

[Viking Warrior]

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week.

Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same without him.

 

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round in the break room. Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

 

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30 am.

 

He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay.

 

She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed!

 

Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled and said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

 

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand.

By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her

 

In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally she showed up.

 

This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

 

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed? "

 

The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth.

 

Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his "you-know-what" was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed and if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

 

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?"

 

She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late."

[Master Bates]

You don't need arms to be a ******. hth

 

That's true, I have a dog

[Master Bates]

2 goldfish in a tank.

 

One says to the other - How do you drive this thing then?

 

If I was on facebook, I would like this.

[hamster]

According to a survey that i read in the Sun today around 95% of men play with themselves before going to sleep at night, and the other 5% read.

 

Do you know what they read?

[John Boy Saint]

A family is driving along behind an Ann Summers lorry when a giant Dildo falls off the back of the lorry and hits the windscreen. To hide her embarrassment the Mother says to the children in the back "gosh that was a very big insect!". To which the 7 year old son exclaimed "I am suprised it could at all with a willy that big!!".

[JonnyLove]

Paddy & mick were both laid off so they went to draw benefit. Clark asks "what do you do?" "knicker stitcher" says mick. So the clark types it into the computer and says "unskilled, £80 a week" next! "what do you do?" she says to paddy. "diesel fitter" says paddy. The clark types it in "skilled, £160 a week" the clark says. When mick found out his friend got more money he was furious and went to complain, the clark explains about skilled and unskilled work, paddy still furious shouts " i sew da elastic in da knickers! Paddy puts dem over is head and says 'yep diesel fitter' how da fook?"

[hamster]

A family is driving along behind an Ann Summers lorry when a giant Dildo falls off the back of the lorry and hits the windscreen. To hide her embarrassment the Mother says to the children in the back "gosh that was a very big insect!". To which the 7 year old son exclaimed "I am suprised it could at all with a willy that big!!".

 

 

???

[hamster]

Paddy & mick were both laid off so they went to draw benefit. Clark asks "what do you do?" "knicker stitcher" says mick. So the clark types it into the computer and says "unskilled, £80 a week" next! "what do you do?" she says to paddy. "diesel fitter" says paddy. The clark types it in "skilled, £160 a week" the clark says. When mick found out his friend got more money he was furious and went to complain, the clark explains about skilled and unskilled work, paddy still furious shouts " i sew da elastic in da knickers! Paddy puts dem over is head and says 'yep diesel fitter' how da fook?"

 

like it, did have to read it twice before i got it though. not unlike john boys failed attempt.

 

xx's

[Gigersaint]

A judge is questioning a woman over her pending separation. “And the grounds for your divorce, madam?”

“Ooh”, she replies, “about four acres, with a small stream running by…”

“No”, says the Judge, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“Oh right”, the woman continues, “well it’s mainly concrete, brick and mortar…”

“No, no”, the Judge reiterates, “What are your relations like?”

“I have an Aunt and Uncle living here in town”, smiles the woman, “and my husband’s parents aren’t far from us either.”

“Dear God”, pleads the Judge, “let’s try this as simply as we can. Do you have a grudge?”

“Oh no”, says the woman, “we have a huge driveway – we’ve never needed one to be honest.”

“Is there any in-fidelity in your marriage?” asks the Judge, now tiring.

“Both my son and daughter have stereo sets”, explains the woman, “they’re always blaring out music!”

“Madam”, asks the Judge, sick to the back teeth, “does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Occasionally”, she replies, “about twice a week he gets up about 20 minutes before me.”

“That’s it!” screams the Judge, “Why do you want a divorce?”

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce”, she replies, still smiling away, “my husband does – he says he can’t communicate with me.”

[RonManager]

???

 

I think the missing word may be 'fly'.

[niceandfriendly]

It's Christmas dinner. Royal family... having a Christmas dinner. Camilla Parker-Bowles says, "Okay, we'll play 20 Questions. I'll think of something and you have to ask me questions and guess what it is." And what she's thinking of is a black man's ****.

 

So, Prince Philip goes, "Is it bigger than the bread bin?" and she goes, "Yeah."

Charles goes, "Is it something I can put in my mouth?", she goes, "Yeah."

The Queen goes, "Is it a black man's ****?"

 

She guessed it!!! From those clues!!! Ahh, brilliant.

 

That's the sort of stuff I write, well you didn't write it you just told it but, you know... well done.

[niceandfriendly]

I tell you what though... 'Exit' signs, they're on the way out.

[Dannyboy_Saint]

Does anyone know if you can cancel an ebay bid?

I was looking to buy a mickey mouse outfit for fancy dress, put in a bid without looking at the details and now im only 30 mins away from accidently buying Newcastle United!!!

[skintsaint]

1 How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry It!

 

2 What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

 

3 What are the three fastest means of communication?

1) Television

2) Telephone

3) Telawoman

 

4 How are fat girls and mopeds alike?

They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

 

5 What should you give a woman who has everything?

A man to show her how to work it.

 

6 Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of t * ts in there.

 

7 How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

 

8 Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

Because they don't have balls to scratch.

 

9 Why did God create woman ?

To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet..

 

10 Why do women fake orgasms ?

Because they think men care.

 

11 What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, she's been told twice already.

 

12 If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you

Done wrong?

Made her chain too long

 

13 How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

 

14 Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably

Never be able to support you.

 

15 Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer

To the kitchen sink.

 

16 How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

 

17 How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

 

18 Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required

Pressure.

 

19 If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the

Front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course.. He'll shut up once you let him in.

 

20 What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told

 

21 I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

 

22 Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by

90%..

It's called a Wedding Cake.

 

23 Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

 

24 Women will never be equal to men..

Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

[hamster]

I came down this morning and found Mrs h sat at the breakfast table, staring at a carton of grapefruit juice.

"wtf are you doing Mrs h " I said

"It say's 'concentrate' on the carton, that's what I'm doing Mr h, that is what I am doing"

[hamster]

I came home from work the other day and said to Mrs h "Quick, pass me my slippers and turn the TV on, before it starts"

 

"before what starts" she said, turning on the TV.

 

"Quick, pass me the remote before it starts" I said as I slipped my tired feet into my new (ASDA - £3.99) slippers

 

Passing the remote she said "Mr h, before WHAT starts?"

 

Run and get me a guinness from the fridge will you darling, before it starts"

 

She returned, can of Guinness in hand. "Now tell me, before WHAT starts?"

 

"Not in the can darling, I wanted it in a glass, I should have been more clear, there's a dear. Hurry though, before it starts"

 

 

She fixed me with one of 'those' looks, banged the can of guinness down on the coffe table, turned the TV off and stood right in front of me. "You walk in, no kiss, no 'how's your day been', ordering me about, fetch this, fetch that, get me a ****ing beer, get me a ****ing glass. Who the hell do you think you are? I ain't your slave Mr h, I ain't your ****ing slave you know"

 

"It's started" I thought to myself.

[Redbul]

I fancy a bit of rabbit for my tea tonight, but can't decide whether it'll be cheaper from the butcher or the pet shop....

[tpbury]

I came home from work the other day and said to Mrs h "Quick, pass me my slippers and turn the TV on, before it starts"

 

"before what starts" she said, turning on the TV.

 

"Quick, pass me the remote before it starts" I said as I slipped my tired feet into my new (ASDA - £3.99) slippers

 

Passing the remote she said "Mr h, before WHAT starts?"

 

Run and get me a guinness from the fridge will you darling, before it starts"

 

She returned, can of Guinness in hand. "Now tell me, before WHAT starts?"

 

"Not in the can darling, I wanted it in a glass, I should have been more clear, there's a dear. Hurry though, before it starts"

 

 

She fixed me with one of 'those' looks, banged the can of guinness down on the coffe table, turned the TV off and stood right in front of me. "You walk in, no kiss, no 'how's your day been', ordering me about, fetch this, fetch that, get me a ****ing beer, get me a ****ing glass. Who the hell do you think you are? I ain't your slave Mr h, I ain't your ****ing slave you know"

 

"It's started" I thought to myself.

 

Quite funny.

 

JohnCooper Claaaarke:

 

Isn't it amazing how we sometimes mix up the beginnings of words:

"Pass the butter" become "Barse the putter", "Fish and chips" becomes "Chish and Fips".

 

At the breakfast table the other day, I meant to say "cup of tea?" to my wife. What accidentally came out was: "You've ruined my life you fkin *****, I HATE YOU!!!"

 

Needless to say, we all laughed about it!

[Danny]

Yes I know it's old but I still found it slighty amusing so I decided to inflict

it upon you people

 

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel

room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

 

The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'

 

Donald frowned and said, 'No.'

 

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

 

'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.

 

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had

condoms.

 

'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

 

The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put them on your bill?

 

'No!' Donald quacked, "I'll thucking thuffocate"

 

 

 

Now, I hate to be awkward, but wasn't it Daffy Duck who had a lisp, and not Donald (who just spoke in quacks which vaguely resembled words)?

[Sheaf Saint]

You know that Black Beauty? He's a dark horse I'm telling you.

[Sheaf Saint]

Who's the coolest bloke in a hospital? The Ultrasound guy!

 

Who's the coolest when the Ultrasound guy isn't at work? The Hip Replacement guy!

[Redbul]

A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos.

Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with squatters.

[INFLUENCED.COM]

Caster Semenya, the 800m World record holder, has gone on record as saying the subsequent enquiry into her sexuality is a right kick in the boll8cks

 

Her Father, Fatima Whitbread, said the allegations are unfair.

[hamster]

Caster Semenya, the 800m World record holder, has gone on record as saying the subsequent enquiry into her sexuality is a right kick in the boll8cks

 

Her Father, Fatima Whitbread, said the allegations are unfair.

 

I was at Heathrow the day that Fatima was arrested by customs officers for having 10 pounds of crack down her knickers.

[Gigersaint]

Did you hear about the constipated Accountant?... He couldn't Budget.

 

And how did he solve his problem?... He worked it out with a pencil.

[RedAndWhite91]

Them new Korean meatballs down my local takeaway really are the dog's b0ll0cks...

[INFLUENCED.COM]

A young lad from Iraq signs a pro contract with Pompey, he scores on his debut and the crowd love him, excited he rings home to tell his mum the good news and to ask how the family are, "How are we" shouts Mum, "The house has been bombed, you're Dads been shot, you're Sister has been raped, the cars been burnt out and i've been robbed at gunpoint.....why, why, why did you bring us to Portsmouth"

[Johnny Bognor]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'

 

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

 

Bartender, 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'

 

Pirate, 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'

 

Bartender, 'Well, OK, but what about that hook ? What happened to your hand?'

 

Pirate, 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.'

 

Bartender 'What about that eye patch?'

 

Pirate, 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them **** in my eye.'

 

'You're kidding,' said the bartender, 'you lost an eye just from bird ****'

 

Pirate, 'It was my first day with the hook.'

 

Aharr ,Jim me lad

[INFLUENCED.COM]

On BBC tonight at 2100hrs World Cup Preview, except for those in Scotland where the classic film Out Of Africa will be shown.

 

On his first night home, having spent 3 years in a Bulgarian prison, Liverpool supporter Michael Shields was asked how he felt being surrounded by murderers, rapists, drug dealers, muggers and paedophiles..he said he was glad his street had not changed one bit !!

[SOTONS EAST SIDE]

A man walks into a dimly lit chinese resturant,where he can just make out two figures on the floor.

He taps the upper figure on the shoulder , and asks."Are you wan-king the manager" the figure replys ."no i'm foo-king the waitress"

[Alejam]

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

 

This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

 

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

 

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

 

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

 

They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

 

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

[Redbul]

I was out clubbing last night and pulled an older lady of about 57, but she was pretty fit.

 

We drank a bit, had a bit of a snog and then she asked me if I'd ever had a mother/daughter threesome. I said no and she said "Well, tonight is your lucky night!!!!"

 

So we went back to hers, she opened the front door and shouted up the stairs "MUM, YOU STILL AWAKE?"

[Johnny Bognor]

Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him. Mick says 'how you doin?'

 

Paddy says ' do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers,me feet are freezing.'

 

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed ...

 

He says 'your dad's sent me up here to **** the both of you '.

 

They say 'get away with ya.. prove it.'

 

Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'

 

Paddy shouts back 'of course both of em, what's the point of f#ckin one?'

[JonnyLove]

3 men in a pub- a Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman:

 

'Y'know' said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's.

Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you.'

'Well,' said the Englishman, 'at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.'

'Ahhhhh, that's nothing,' said the Irishman. 'Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, and another again - all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.'

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims. But he swears every word is true.

'Well,' asked the Englishman, 'did this actually happen to you?'

'Not me meself, personally, no,' said the Irishman . . . 'But it did happen to me sister....

[mightysaints]

One thing about Australians is that their hearts and humour are always

in the right place!

T. B. Bechtel, a part-time City Councilman from Newcastle, was asked on

a local live radio talk show, just what he thought of the allegations of

torture of the Afghan prisoners.

His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous

applause from the audience.

 

 

HIS STATEMENT:

 

'If hooking up an Afghan prisoner's nuts to a car's battery cables will

save just one Australians life, then I have just three things to say,'

>

 

>

 

>

 

>

 

>

 

>

 

 

'Red is positive,

 

Black is negative, and

 

Make sure his nuts are wet.'

[hamster]

How many social workers des it take to change a lightbulb?

 

Well. does the lightbulb has to want to change in the first place, eh?

[JonnyLove]

How many social workers des it take to change a lightbulb?

 

Well. does the lightbulb has to want to change in the first place, eh?

 

Thats so bad your lucky I don't know who you are as I will beat you silly

[Viking Warrior]

The Glasgow Brothel

 

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather

dignified,well- dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

 

"May I help you sir?" she asked..

"I want to see Soraya, Glasgow's most celebrated courtesan," the man replied.

"Sir, Soraya is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would

prefer someone else", said the madam.

 

"No, I must see Soraya," he replied.

Just then, Soraya appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000

a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and

gave it to Soraya, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.....

 

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see

Soraya.

Soraya explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row,

as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.

 

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Soraya, and they went

upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded

that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Soraya and they

went upstairs.

 

After their session, Soraya said to the man, "No one has ever been

with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

 

The man replied, " Edinburgh "

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh "

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I

was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person."

 

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.....

 

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[Master Bates]

My parents might have been sick perverts but at least I wasn't teased about being a virgin at school.

[dubai_phil]

A joke

Al fahim...

 

Oh sorry wrong thread, sent skintsaint's list to some ladies and got these back....

 

 

How are husbands like lawn mowers?

They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

How does a man show he's planning for the future?

He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

 

What do men and mascara have in common?

They both run at the first sign of emotion.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?

His wife is good at picking out clothes.

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?

Four guys watching a Pompey game.

What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Match of The Dayl?

The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

 

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?

Sex.

What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?

Telling you his real name.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?

Put the remote control between his toes.

What's the quickest way to a man's heart?

Straight through the rib cage.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?

So men can understand them.

Why can't men get mad cow disease?

Because they're all pigs.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?

Any place without a drive-up window.

What do you call a handcuffed man?

Trustworthy.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

What do you call a man with half a brain?

Gifted.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?

Exchange him.

What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?

A power failure.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?

When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?

Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?

Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?

Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?

Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

 

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?

To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why do little boys whine?

Because they are practicing to be men.

 

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?

When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?

They all already have boyfriends....

 

[bridge too far]

Why are men like clay?

 

Because women make mugs of them.

[INFLUENCED.COM]

Gordan Brown went up to a prostitute and said "I'm Prime Minster of England, how much will it cost me to spend the night with you ?" she replied "Mr Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt as high as my taxes my pants as low as my wages, your penis as hard as the times we are living in and keep it rising like the price of fuel and screw me like you have the pensioners, it won't cost you a penny !"