Saint in Paradise Posted 22 July, 2009 Posted 22 July, 2009 Yes I know it's old but I still found it slighty amusing so I decided to inflict it upon you people Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?' Donald frowned and said, 'No.' Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. 'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms. 'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put them on your bill? 'No!' Donald quacked, "I'll thucking thuffocate"
JonnyLove Posted 22 July, 2009 Posted 22 July, 2009 2 Scientologists in the bath. One says wheres the soap the other says pay be £2000 and i'll tell you
Draino76 Posted 24 July, 2009 Posted 24 July, 2009 My boss just told me that I've got to make sure I "cross the i's and dot the t's" the ****ing dyslexic mong.
RedAndWhite91 Posted 24 July, 2009 Posted 24 July, 2009 A bomb went off in a dessert factory yesterday. One man has been taken into custardy. © RedAndWhite91 2008.
Cheesegrater999 Posted 24 July, 2009 Posted 24 July, 2009 These jokes are an insult to all the other jokes in the world.
Saintjersey Posted 24 July, 2009 Posted 24 July, 2009 These jokes are an insult to all the other jokes in the world. People like you are the reason I'm on medication.
Redbul Posted 24 July, 2009 Posted 24 July, 2009 I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", bloke in the shop said "Those are pickled onions". I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.
Cheesegrater999 Posted 25 July, 2009 Posted 25 July, 2009 People like you are the reason I'm on medication. People like me! What would you know about people like me?
skintsaint Posted 25 July, 2009 Posted 25 July, 2009 whats the difference between a BJ and anal sex? a BJ will make your day, anal sex will make your hole weak
hamster Posted 25 July, 2009 Posted 25 July, 2009 /\ It ain't necesarily so ss, it ain't necesarily so.
RonManager Posted 25 July, 2009 Posted 25 July, 2009 2 monkeys in the bath - 1 says -oo,oo,oo,ee, ee, ee, aa,aa,AA,AAAA,AAAAAAA!!!!! The other says - Well put some more cold water in then!
Spades Posted 26 July, 2009 Posted 26 July, 2009 whats the difference between jam and marmelade? You cant marmelade your willeh up someones ass
Jillyanne Posted 26 July, 2009 Posted 26 July, 2009 I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", bloke in the shop said "Those are pickled onions". I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy. Lol. Best one.
hamster Posted 26 July, 2009 Posted 26 July, 2009 whats the difference between jam and marmelade? You cant marmelade your willeh up someones ass /\ It ain't necesarily so Spades, it ain't necesarily so. Are you familiar with the phrases 'needs must', and 'necessity is the Mother of invention'?
Thorpe-le-Saint Posted 26 July, 2009 Posted 26 July, 2009 whats the difference between jam and marmelade? You cant marmelade your willeh up someones ass I LOL'd!!
Redbul Posted 26 July, 2009 Posted 26 July, 2009 I went to the butchers the other day and the butcher said 'I bet you £5 you can't guess the weight of that meat on the top shelf'. 'I'm not gambling!' I said, 'The steaks are too high.' I was in a Chinese restaurant when a duck came up to me with a rose and said: 'Your eyes sparkle like the stars'. So I said to the waiter: 'Excuse me, I ordered aromatic duck.' So I went to Buckingham Palace to cut Prince William's hair. I said to the policeman, 'Can you let me in to the car park, I'm here to cut Prince William's hair?' The policeman said 'Have you got a permit?' - I said, 'No, just a bit off the back.'
JonnyLove Posted 26 July, 2009 Posted 26 July, 2009 Why do cows wear bell's Because their horns don't work
Jillyanne Posted 26 July, 2009 Posted 26 July, 2009 I went to the butchers the other day and the butcher said 'I bet you £5 you can't guess the weight of that meat on the top shelf'. 'I'm not gambling!' I said, 'The steaks are too high.' I was in a Chinese restaurant when a duck came up to me with a rose and said: 'Your eyes sparkle like the stars'. So I said to the waiter: 'Excuse me, I ordered aromatic duck.' So I went to Buckingham Palace to cut Prince William's hair. I said to the policeman, 'Can you let me in to the car park, I'm here to cut Prince William's hair?' The policeman said 'Have you got a permit?' - I said, 'No, just a bit off the back.' Lol again - where do you get these???
St Landrew Posted 27 July, 2009 Posted 27 July, 2009 (edited) 2 monkeys in the bath - 1 says -oo,oo,oo,ee, ee, ee, aa,aa,AA,AAAA,AAAAAAA!!!!! The other says - Well put some more cold water in then! The choppy meat/water was funny, but this one made me laugh out loud. I'm going to steal that. The aromatic/romantic duck was a lol too. Edited 27 July, 2009 by St Landrew
hamster Posted 27 July, 2009 Posted 27 July, 2009 So I went to Buckingham Palace to cut Prince William's hair. I said to the policeman, 'Can you let me in to the car park, I'm here to cut Prince William's hair?' The policeman said 'Have you got a permit?' - I said, 'No, just a bit off the back.' My barber asked if I wanted him to trim my hair around the back, No I said, do it here in the shop.
skintsaint Posted 27 July, 2009 Posted 27 July, 2009 A sandwich walks into a bar, The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here". A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road" My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
INFLUENCED.COM Posted 27 July, 2009 Posted 27 July, 2009 After his court appearance Steven Gerrard has made a statement that says he is ashamed of himself as he is supposed to be a role model for the youth of Liverpool....he regrets not knifing the fella and stealing his car.
Redbul Posted 27 July, 2009 Posted 27 July, 2009 Lol again - where do you get these??? Tim Vine....Google the name and you'll find millions of his one liners.
hamster Posted 27 July, 2009 Posted 27 July, 2009 Tim Vine....Google the name and you'll find millions of his one liners. you won't be offended if I don't will you.
Redbul Posted 27 July, 2009 Posted 27 July, 2009 you won't be offended if I don't will you. You stupid f****** tw*t!!!!
RonManager Posted 27 July, 2009 Posted 27 July, 2009 Jokes you shouldn't laugh at, but.... What's a baby seal's favourite drink? Canadian Club on the rocks
hamster Posted 27 July, 2009 Posted 27 July, 2009 You stupid f****** tw*t!!!! I wondered when that was coming. 73's & 88's
Block 18 Posted 27 July, 2009 Posted 27 July, 2009 A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. "We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was.. CELEBRATE"
Redbul Posted 27 July, 2009 Posted 27 July, 2009 Most of them are ripped off from Tommy Cooper Yeah, a lot of them are I agree. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two schoolbags - he's bisatchel. So I said to my Mum 'I'm going to the funfair' - she said 'Oooooh will you go on the Ghostrain?' - I said 'No, I'll walk.' Right, that's enough of them now....
Redbul Posted 27 July, 2009 Posted 27 July, 2009 HA HA!!!! Just trawling around and found a classic Bill Hicks: "I loved when Bush came out and said, "We are losing the war against drugs." You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it." Totally Bill Hicks DVD coming out tonight then....!!!!
Arizona Posted 27 July, 2009 Posted 27 July, 2009 There's this German Shepherd next door which keeps jumping over the garden fence and sh*tting on the lawn. and he's got this dog...
INFLUENCED.COM Posted 27 July, 2009 Posted 27 July, 2009 A Welshman cleaning his rifle shot and killed his wife, he then dialled 999 Dafydd: its my wife, I accidently shot her, I killed her... Operator: Calm down sir, can you first make sure she is really dead ? CLICK, BANG !! Dafydd: Ok done that what next ?
skintsaint Posted 27 July, 2009 Posted 27 July, 2009 It's Christmas dinner. Royal family... having a Christmas dinner. Camilla Parker-Bowles says, "Okay, we'll play 20 Questions. I'll think of something and you have to ask me questions and guess what it is." And what she's thinking of is a black man's ****. So, Prince Philip goes, "Is it bigger than the bread bin?" and she goes, "Yeah." Charles goes, "Is it something I can put in my mouth?", she goes, "Yeah." The Queen goes, "Is it a black man's ****?"
Saint in Paradise Posted 27 July, 2009 Author Posted 27 July, 2009 I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod. .
hamster Posted 27 July, 2009 Posted 27 July, 2009 Pompey man burns right ear answering phone whilst ironing. Pompey man burns left ear calling for ambliance.
channonwindmill Posted 28 July, 2009 Posted 28 July, 2009 What did the leper say to the prostitute? "Keep the tip".
Redbul Posted 28 July, 2009 Posted 28 July, 2009 What did the leper say to the prostitute? "Keep the tip". And why did that same prostitute leave the leper colony? Business was dropping off. Did you hear what happened when the leper ran into a screen door? He strained himself. Oh dear, this is a new low....[i'll set 'em up....]
Marsdinho Posted 28 July, 2009 Posted 28 July, 2009 I have just been dumped via email. She said I was ''annaly retentive''. I think she will find it's "anally-retentive''.
tpbury Posted 28 July, 2009 Posted 28 July, 2009 A schizophrenic just escaped from Broadmoor. Police say he's a disparate man. (copyright tpbury aged 10 - no one laughed then either)
Guest Dark Sotonic Mills Posted 28 July, 2009 Posted 28 July, 2009 A schizophrenic just escaped from Broadmoor. Police say he's a disparate man. (copyright tpbury aged 10 - no one laughed then either) I know someone who would laugh at that, but then he is bi-polar.
hamster Posted 29 July, 2009 Posted 29 July, 2009 3 inmates at Broadmoor sat on a bench when a cat walks past. The pervert say's "Let's **** it" The sadist say's "Let's set fire to it" The masochist say's "Meeoooooowww"
Rory Posted 29 July, 2009 Posted 29 July, 2009 I'm fairly certain it was Daffy Duck with the lisp, not Donald.
Saintjersey Posted 29 July, 2009 Posted 29 July, 2009 People like me! What would you know about people like me? I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now