Waterside.saint

Beggars banquet? Substitute the stones in their pomp for the phew:

Think of it as clickbait for the hard of thinking

I imagine it will turn out that they weren't defeated at all, in fact they won convincingly in every way that matters, no pompey hearts will break over the trivial loss of some paltry tarnished silverware that no-one wanted anyway

'there's no such thing as bad publicity'. Bless 'em

Bet on them being prompted. Win if they mess it up/financial compensation if they don't

I didn't think their kit could look much cheaper and nastier than their old Kappa tat, but I've happily been proved wrong

Pompey, the Royston Vasey of Football. POL, the local shop for local people. 'There's nothing for you here!'

More rosy cheeked urchins, any sign of Tiny Tim or Little Nell yet?

It's amazing what you can find in the depths of an empty pocket or down the sofa when you're desperate. For example, I once found a winning lottery ticket with Keira Knightly's number written on the back in lipstick, but that kind of thing happens once in billion years, I doubt pompey would be that jammy.

Their plucky heroes were thrashed by a recently-promoted 5th tier side but managed to beat a 7th tier team, which suggests their natural home is perhaps somewhere inbetween - the National League South.

That'll teach them to pay their bills on time. In other news, the pluckiest hacked 5 past their 7th tier neighbours (known locally as 'the Barca of Waterlooville') in a breathtaking display of lower league grit and determination. Apparently.

Portsmouth 'Community' FC, making overpaid bottom-tier footballers 'not useless' since 2012

I fixed it

That might be meaningless drivel to us, but to them this is probably 24-karat Pulitzer prize-winning journalism. Truly they are a parody of themselves

What. the. feck. has. he. been. smoking. this. time.

I fixed it

Certainly a huge step. Time will tell which direction it was taken in.

It may only be a tatty timber tabernacle, but I bet its the hurtlingest emergent kipper shed that ever was

Just when you think they've mangled the English language to its furthest extent, scraped the barrel to its deepest crevice and wrung the pips to their squeakiest limit, they come up with 'hurtling emergence' They've become a parody of themselves.

Imagining the sweaty congress of TCWTB and one of their camp followers must be akin to turning your head inside out then rolling your frontal lobes in chili powder, not something anyone would do more than once just for the experience. You have earned your rest, grasshopper.

That, Biscuit, is class sir. I tip my topper to you

Good luck with that.

There is. I think its understandable