Saint since 52

Done

Could not live in Dundee,but Tayport is a good place to live - River Tay on doorstep with Tentsmuir & Kinshaldy beach just a walk away

Work in Dundee ,Live in Tayport

I live & work 20 miles from Perth . Nice town centre with great countryside around . Great area to live ......

As a fitting tribute to computer pioneer Steve Jobs ,I hear they were going to rename the Apple Store in Portsmouth and call it The Jobs Centre . However they feared the locals would be terrified to go anywhere near it

How about the Saint Markus Liebherr Stadium ?

Note: Temp quoted in Fahrenheit -just in case the metricists among you start getting upset! 40 degrees -Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Scotland sunbathe. 35 degrees -Italian cars won't start. People in Scotland drive with the top down. 20 degrees -Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats. People in Scotland go out in only a T -shirt. 15 degrees -Californians begin to evacuate the state. People in Scotland go swimming in the sea. 0 degrees -New York landlords turn the heat on. People in Scotland have a last bar-b-q before it gets cold. -10 degrees -People in Miami are extinct. People in Scotland throw on a light jacket. -80 degrees -Polar bears begin to evacuate the Artic. Scottish Boy Scouts postpone winter survival exercise until it gets cold enough. -100 degrees -Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. People in Scotland wear a vest and pull down their ear flaps. -173 degrees -Ethyl alcohol freezes. People in Scotland are angry 'cos they can't thaw their whisky barrels. -297 degrees -Microbial life starts to grind to a halt. Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands. -460 degrees -ALL atomic motion stops. People in Scotland start saying “A bit hill billy eh?” -500 degrees -Hell freezes over. Scottish people support England in the World Cup!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lawrie Mac

Not in squad

I also work in Dundee,

Seconded from all the Saints in Scotland

Keep the Faith

Keep the faith

Patter Two guys sitting in the office chatting when this girl passes them, going to the toilet. Guy says "I think she's nice" Guys mate "well nip over and give her the patter" Guy "the patter?" Guys mate "aye the patter" Guy "I don't know any patter I've never found it easy to talk to girls" Guys Mate "its easy all you have to say is "hello" and she will say "hello" Then say "it's a nice day isn't it" Then she will say "Yes it is" Then you say " but not half as nice as you!" Then she will say "Oh thank you" Then the patter will just flow" Guys Mate "look there she coming back out, go and give it a go" So nervously off he goes, re-running the patter in his head He walks up and says "Hello" She says "Hello" He says "It's a nice day isn't it?" She says "Yes it is" He says "but not half as nice as you" She says "Oh thank you" Few seconds of uneasy silence.............................. Then he says........................................ "Been for a sh!te then?"

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN Take off clothes and place them in laundry basket according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tile Cleaner. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas. HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohican. Wee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. Admire willy size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!

Andy Grays Resignation Letter Dear all, I am so sad to be leaving a company that I have served long and hard for, for over 20 years. In fact I would like to go out on a high and thought I’d leave you with the story of a woman I knew, who got a job as a physical education teacher for 16 year olds……….……. One day while out supervising her pupils, the teacher notices a boy in the field standing alone at one end of the field, while all the other kids are running around at the other end having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. "You ok sweetheart?" she says. "Yes Miss" he replies. "'You can go and play with the other kids if you want" she says. "It's best I stay here Miss." he says. "Why?" she asks. The boy replies: "Because I'm the f***ing goal keeper"

BIG PEOPLE WORDS A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them. She asked John what he had done over the weekend? 'I went to visit my Nana'. No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!' She then asked Mitchell what he had done 'I took a ride on a choo-choo'. She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words'. She then asked little Alex what he had done? 'I read a book' he replied. That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?' Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, 'Winnie the ****'

Cant get it to work

Good point