Upwind

I was talking to a girl in a pub the other night and I said “You remind me of my little toe!” She said “Is that because I’m small and cute?” I replied “No, it’s because I’ll probably end up banging you on the coffee table when I get home”

I did a joke about anal bleaching last night... ... Dyed on my arse.

I went to an international yodellers convention meeting yesterday... The bloke in charge asked us to form an orderly orderly orderly queue hoo hoo.

My Uncle died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for the Paramedics to give him a blood transfusion. Right til the end he kept insisting "be positive", but it's hard to with him not around.

Not to get technical but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.

I just ordered a chicken and egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

My mum's so pessimistic that if there was an Olympics for pessimism…......... she wouldn't fancy her chances..

Bruiser from next door collared me last night..... said I'd been pinching washing off of his line. I nearly **** his pants.

My doctor's just told me they've found a cure for dyslexia. It was music to my arse...

We used to call my Granddad spider - it wasn't because he had spindly legs He just couldn't get out of the bath.

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my a**e! Do you think I should change dentists?......

Bought my wife a fridge for her birthday. You should have seen her face light up when she opened it.

I went to Doctors the other day and explained that I keep seeing Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, Minnie Mouse, Daisy Duck & Pluto. He said he thinks I'm having Disney spells.

Went to the sperm clinic earlier. The lady asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup? I said...... "I'm good but not ready for competitions yet".....

I was under the impression that work on Big Ben was going to take about four years to complete but according to tonight's news it will be finished next week. The builders have been working around the clock.

As a vegan I hate all people who sell meat, but people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.

The other day I took my granddad to one of those spa places where a tank full of little fish eat all your dead skin. Cost me nearly £50, but it was still cheaper than a funeral.............

I got into an argument with a dwarf today after I accidentally walked into him. He was shouting at me, saying, 'You ****ing tosser, watch where you're going' etc. I was going to say something back, but decided to be the bigger man...

An Islamophobe, a white supremacist and a sexual predator walk into a bar. The barman says "What'll it be, Mr. Trump?"

I've just finished reading a book called Constructive Criticism.............. Don't bother reading it, its crap.

Apparently there's a new sex position called parcel force. ........you stay in all day and no-one comes

A mate of mine has just been sacked from his job working on the dodgem cars. He is going to take his former employer to a tribunal............... for funfair dismissal.

Was walking down the street and noticed the houses were numbered 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k and 1mb. Was a real trip down memory lane.