Saint_Pedro

Bridge over trobled water

A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot?' The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.' 'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!' 'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird ..' 'Oh yeah?' the man asks, 'Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?' 'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.' 'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English can't you?' 'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.' The man looks at the £200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.' 'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer!' The man offers £20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted. One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman.' 'What are you talking about?' asks the man. 'When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.' 'WHAT???' the guy says incredulously. 'THEN what happened?' 'Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot. 'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?' 'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over....' Then the frantic man screams, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?' 'Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!'

What if its not money but your specs which fall down the pan - mine lipped the rim (Elton stylee) this morning at work - a very close shave!

And what about that poor Danish bloke who's in prison in UAE 'cos he had poppy seeds on his jacket from a bread roll he ate at Heathrow? Madness, I say!

We're surrounded by neighbours with cats and they all seem to want to crap in our garden (and we don't have a cat!) - anyone got any good ways (apart from cutting them in half with a spade) of stopping them ?

ooo er........ did you dribble?

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said... "OK, I give up. Where's the f*ckin' ship?"