scotty

Let's get this one put to bed straight away; Joe Hart is head and shoulders above Forster.

He posts about 175 times per year (compared to your rate of 5000+.) Maybe he does know something, given that he's obviously not overly bothered about flooding the site with endless comments.

I gave my mrs a novelty bra made from sheepdog fur. "Aww," she giggled, "is that to keep my boobies nice and warm?" "No," I said. "But it'll round them up and point them in the right direction."

I dived to the ground clutching my leg and crying out with pain, hoping it looked convincing. "If you don't want sex tonight you could just say so," scowled my wife.

I was in the Petersfield book shop today, (I know, I know...) and can confirm that westwood is still his old self. My mrs took one look at him and muttered "what the f*ck is that? Is he supposed to be out?"

I take it back. That one wasn't a bad tackle I suppose, but it was just papering over the cracks.

No, it was Stephens. Top notch defending, that.

Yes.

I asked the librarian if he had the new book about erectile dysfunction. He tapped at his keyboard and looked at the screen. "It's not coming up," he frowned. I said "That's the one."

Why should I pay the element of council tax which covers education? I don't have kids. And would it be reasonable to exempt those who opt for private healthcare from NI on the grounds that they don't use the NHS? How about committed anti-war groups, should they pay no tax towards defence? The BBC has its faults, but I wouldn't be without it. For all the whining about political bias and left wing agendas, it's the only news organisation with neutral reporting built into its charter.

After the wife had parked the car in town, I got on my mobile. "Who are you calling?" She asked. "A taxi" I replied "I'm not walking to the kerb from here."

Taking photos??? Christ, that's awful. Next they'll be allowing club owners into Wembley with their cameras out during a final, how embarrassing would that be.

Superb display from the lads, we couldn't have asked for more from them. We dominated huge swathes of that game and looked by far the more likely to win it after the second equaliser, the difference was ibrahimovic who barely raised a sweat other than his two goals, he seemed to be saving himself for the big chances when they came his way. It took an appalling mistake from the lino, plus a goalpost to deny us what would have been a thoroughly deserved trophy. Well played Saints, proud to be a fan.

We threaded our way to the middle of the showroom, and the car dealer stroked the windscreen. "Beautiful, isn't she?" he said. "Certainly is," I replied. "Reminds me of my perfect woman." He chuckled. "You mean she's sleek, sexy, and goes like the clappers?" "No," I said. "I mean she's four years old and locked in."

I rolled off the wife and huffed. "Christ, it's like sh*gging an inflatable doll," I complained. She didn't reply, just stared at me in shock, wide-eyed and open-mouthed. "You're not helping yourself here," I said.

I can't claim the credit for all of them Nick, most of them are from the late lamented sickipedia, but a lot of the ones I've put on here I wrote for that site myself. When it died I had about 200 of my own jokes listed on there. The forums were a brilliant laugh as well.

For a couple of months now, I've been getting to know a very friendly young lady who insists on calling me every evening for a chat. Earlier today, I plucked up the courage to ask her if I could masturbate to the sound of her sexy voice. I think that's the last I've heard of Anglian Windows.

You could get a regular one and bleach it?

"What's your all time favourite opening line to a movie?" asked my wife. I thought for a moment, and said "I've come to fix the washing machine."

I notice that blair has stuck his oar in and called for the people to rise up against brexit. Yeah right tony, perhaps may will take as much notice of the people as you did when they rose up against the iraq invasion.

I'm not saying my girlfriend is flat-chested. But the label on her bra reads "Contents may settle in transit".

:lol:

I'm not sure I like your tone.