scotty

When I saw Millbrook Towers on fire I thought "Al Qaeda are getting desperate."

When I gave my blind girlfriend the braille edition of 50 shades of grey, she suddenly learned to read left-handed.

One of my all-time favourite spoof stories was about Nigel and Warnock, anyone else remember it? "Pick yourself up Colin, you're a f*cking mess..."

A regular came into my butchers shop this morning. She's from Trinidad, and loves a bargain. "What's on special offer today?" she smiled. "I fancy a piece of beef, or some chicken." I said "No, Black Betty, it's ham or lamb."

Decent shout, that.

I poured some water over a ducks back this morning. He didn't care.

Is it on YouTube yet?

I'd be surprised if Koeman was offered the job, and astonished if he took it. But stranger things have happened.

I knew that would turn-up.

What's the connection between Sting, Buzz Aldrin and Michael Jackson? Sting sang about walking on the moon. Buzz Aldrin actually walked on the moon. But Michael Jackson f*cked kids.

The woman overtaking me on the motorway is either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed.

I've renamed my wifi network to Police Surveillance Unit 2. That should keep the neighbours on their toes for a while.

Since my vasectomy, every time I come a little flag saying BANG!! pops out of my cock.

Coins?? How recent was this?

That is depressingly likely. fwiw, I fully agree with sourmash on this, it's something I've noticed a lot especially since our return to the prem (probably explained by the prevalence of ref-crowding by the top sides.)

We had the mother in law over for dinner, and our dog was gazing up at her and wagging his tail. "That's sweet," she smiled. "Is he really that fond of me?" "Not really," I said. "It's just that you're eating off his plate."

We'll plough through your 21000 posts and get back to you.

Women wake up with their eyes closed and their mouths open. Coincidence? I think not.

My sex addiction therapist asked if I was ready to commit to weekly meetings. F*cking right I am, you should see the tits on her.

......Gentlemen, we have a winner.

If we did, the dippers would poach him.

This. Great atmosphere builder, why did they stop using it?

"Excuse me," I said to the woman in front of me on the bus."You have semen on the back of your jacket." "I don't think so," she replied. "It's probably yoghurt." "It's definitely semen," I said. "I don't ejaculate yoghurt."

My mrs just booked a new gardener, she managed to haggle him up by a tenner from what he asked. I reckon shes been watching the pepsi ads.