scotty

When my Indian girlfriend said I could give her a facial I nearly came on the spot.

Remember Berbatov being told before a corner exactly what was going to happen? And to stick to the back post and Lambert when he inevitably popped up behind him? And he ignored it and went walkabout, Rickie turns up bang on schedule and nods it into the net in time-honoured fashion? Oh christ that was funny, even funnier for the defender who'd warned him standing in the box afterwards berating him for it.

Can't have a fish in charge of the saints....

Lawrenson has us losing 2-1. He also has us eight places below our current position, which is comfortably his worst prediction sequence apart from Sunderland, who he has well above the relegation spots. And surprisingly, he only has the dippers second. Actually, having looked again he has the scousers joint top on 92 points.

"I can't believe that you sh*gged my sister last night!!" screamed my girlfriend. "What the hell were you thinking?" I said "babe, you are so much sexier than your sister." "Honestly?" she smiled. "Yes," I said. "That's what I was thinking."

I just tried to remember La Macarena, and ended up telling some deaf guy I fancied his wife.

Out of interest, how did you happen to stumble across that? ☺️

Just think, if gabbi had buried that pen you'd be on your way to the offy via william hills for 200 quids worth of buckfast.

Poll please, mods.

I used to think my parents were worried when they watched me crossing the road. But then I found out about the bet.

Anyone have post #21 in the sweepstake?

My girlfriend looked up from her paper. "It says here that we should pee in the shower to save water," she said. "You don't do that, do you?" "Yes, sometimes," I admitted. "Yuck, that's disgusting!!" she replied. "Hey!" I protested. "These things happen when you're having a sh*t."

I was laying back relaxing when my wife walked in. "Why haven't you taken off your clothes and shoes?" she asked. "Because I didn't feel like it," I replied. "How much have you had to drink?" she frowned. "What's with all the f*cking questions?" I said. "Can't you see I'm having a bath?"

My doctor has given me no more than a week to live. There's nothing wrong with me, he's just found out I'm sh*gging his wife.

I'll have to stop wearing that saints top in bed. It's giving the wife a perfect excuse.

Top post. Absolutely spot on.

According to his biography, the ruse was an idea of Ian Flemings, while he was serving in Naval Intelligence. Loads of the Bond background stuff came from that period as well.

Yes, clear penalty for me as well. Kingsbridge has a point though, I bet if forster had handled outside the box instead of mignolet it would have been picked up on, and probably won them the game. Those sort of decisions are usually the ones that refs never seem to give against a big club at home.

Similar situations. We were expected to beat hull, the dippers were expected to beat us. I'd say we upped our game today in the same way that hull did against us.

Cameras not cutting to klopp now.....

Is klopp getting on anyone elses tits?

I was shocked to catch my wife filling out a Cosmo quiz called "Is your man hopeless in bed?" "Don't worry," she reassured me. "It's just something to do when I'm bored." "That's ok then" I replied, and carried on thrusting.

Maybe, maybe not. If they'd notched yet another three points, chelskis final burst might not have looked quite such a formality. One point ahead of a side which kept relentlessly winning? And had closed a pretty big gap? Reckon a spurs win last night would have messed with chelseas heads, possibly just enough to make a slip.