Redbul

Crater

Flump

Eyesight

Composer

Bells

Angel

Rapturous

Measure

Radiate

Arrow

Silver

Bollock

Tall

Wedding

This fellah gets hit by a red lorry, a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry. Policeman knocks on the door of the family of the poor bloke and the chap's wife answers the door. The copper says: "There's no easy way to say this...."

I’ll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me; my heart was beating so fast, the expectation was unbearable. It seemed to take an eternity but eventually there she was stood beside me. I gave her a cheeky wink and said “Get that bloody trolley over here, they’re doing 3 crates of Stella for the price of 2!”

Room

I must have missed the bit where he said he'd come out....

I nearly got in a fight with a cough sweet the other night. My mate said "Don't mess with him, he's f***in' menthol."

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes," the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story." The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years. "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals". "Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired." The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid," the owner says. "£10!? But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" "Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the garden."

My missus made me go to ridiculously extreme lengths to make our pet flamingo feel at home. In the end I had to put my foot down.

Just tried to persuade two fiddles to have a "battle" like the dueling banjos. Apparently I'm going to be charged with inciting violins.

I think Morgan has had an outstanding season this year, he gets my vote for player of the season with Lambert a close second. Shaw defo for young player of the year.

Cheers fellahs, but it wasn't a compilation. At least I don't think it was!!! But it wasn't either of those...

Loved that book!