stu0x

Did you honestly think it was coincidence that they're called Arabica beans?

Because by definition, no one else is better than the best team in the world. It's akin to opening your second convenience store and saying "I reckon we can be bigger than Tesco".

I was best man last year, and groom last month, so I've been on both sides of the coin recently. I've also been to upwards of 15 weddings in the past 2 years, with another 6 to go this year. Firstly, thrash out with your groom who is going to do what. 'Tradition' says that as the best man you are speaking on behalf of the bridesmaids, but he may want to thank them himself (particularly if you don't know them very well), in which case leave him to it. If there are any Ushers, technically they are 'yours' as the best man, so traditionally you should thank them but again the groom may want to do it, especially if you're not one group of friends. It may be that your groom just gives you free reign and takes care of the procedural stuff (that is what I did). In which case your structure is fairly easy. Remember it will take between 2 and 3 times as long to deliver it as you expect. Don't just recycle internet jokes. Everyone has heard them a million times. 'Enjoy your honeymoon in Wales - well, he did say he was going to Bangor for a week' etc etc. Ho ho, and ho. If you're good friends with your groom, it shouldn't be difficult to dredge up some amusing stories to tell about them - use situational comedy rather than one liners. Plus it has the advantage of actually being relevant - there's nothing worse than a plagiarised speech where a completely fictitious 'story' is told purely to set up a hackneyed one-liner. Remember, everyone in the room *wants* you to be funny, so they're not looking for the second coming of Richard Pryor - just say something vaguely funny and they'll help you along. If you tell maybe three separate stories in a chronological order, and try to link them thematically, you should have the basis of a perfectly decent speech. Ex-girlfriends are always rich material, but it may depend on how well you know the bride and how she is going to react to it. Which brings me to the number one rule - *NEVER* make fun of her. It won't go down well, however hilarious you think it is in advance. Save the comedy and abuse for him - once you've finished with him, then bring it round to her. At this point feel free to use some fromage - spend 5 minutes telling everyone what a cretin your mate is, then give him some credit for somehow convincing his new wife to marry him. Finish up by toasting the couple.

Mix nitroglycerine with plain flour until you get a paste, you'll find it very effective at removing all traces of limescale! hth

Can I interest you in some magic beans?

Refined instant coffee is an oxymoron

Yes, yes he does. His team plays at a stadium called Eastlands. In an unrelated note, a poet called TS Eliot wrote a poem called The Wasteland.

We will walk that league

I'm big enough to stand up and be counted as one of the people who were not impressed by Adkins' appointment. Results speak for themselves, he's proved the doubters wrong and he's done a great job this year. I very much hope that he continues to deliver next year when the challenge will be that much greater, as I would love to see a bit of stability at this club. I just hope that, if we do have a slightly stuttering start, or even (god forbid) don't win the league at a canter, we have a bit of patience and stick with Adkins and trust him over at the very least the whole of next season. He has earned that much. After all, we're all on the bus, we're here to win a game of football, and all that other ********.

TW&T!! That was liquid football!!

I proposed in Port Isaac, so I should probably say there! We normally do the Atlantic coast around Padstow, Bedruthan is a lovely walk by the sea and *billions* of mussels if you fancy some harvesting for tea!

He's no Raan Goggs, that's for sure.

So apparently you know more than both Alex Ferguson and Jose Mourinho combined. When are you taking Nigel's job?

I don't think fans of other teams realise how many players change in promoted sides. I think people make the assumption that minimal changes are made. One of my colleagues is a Leeds fan and he said the first team that played for Leeds this year looks nothing like the one from 12 months ago. They made about 6 changes, all of whom are first choice players. That doesn't mean you need to rip the guts out of the team, but I think we need to get away from this mentality of buying squad/backup players (look at the collection of dross we ended up with in the Premiership years as a result). We should be looking to make about 5 changes, and all of them should be to improve the position they are bought for. If we realistically want to achieve top half/playoffs, we want to be bringing in players that we think will be top 5 in their position in the NPC next season. We want players that other teams will look at and say 'I'd have them in our team'. imo the players currently in our team that the majority of other teams in the division will covet next season are Fonte, Lallana, Lambert, and maybe Chamberlain. In addition Harding, Davis and Schneiderlin would be worthy members of a good championship team. I'd add Jaidi to the list but I think father time might catch up with him. The rest of the positions are the 'weakest', not because the players are necessarily *bad* per se, but they are the most obvious areas for improvement. And if we are looking at promotion in two years, then we need to improve considerably. (As an aside, this is why I can't quite work out the CMS obsession. Does anyone actually believe he will be one of the top three strikers in the division next season? If not, then he isn't good enough. That's not to say he isn't better than what we have at the moment, but it's not *enough* better to be worth us buying.) So realistically, I think we're looking at new first choice: - centre back - right back - centre midfield - striker Plus probably one or two to challenge in other areas. And we want to be bringing in players who you can realistically see as being in that NPC team of the season this time next year.

Well somebody had to In all seriousness, I read this post in another thread and it chimed with what I had been thinking since the final whistle went at Plymouth... We all have degrees in hindsight, and it's very easy to selectively dig up threads that are months old and 'prove' them wrong. And it's interesting to see how much our expectations change as the season goes on and the concept of what is realistic or rational seems to alter with every match played (or in some cases every goal scored). So I was just wondering... Before the hysteria of the transfer window, before a ball has been kicked... - What are you expecting next season (in terms of final league position)? - What are you hoping for (realistically)? - What would you consider failure? And let's see who has the stones to stick with it until this time next year For the record, I: - expect a comfortable but ultimately undistinguished season of consolidation in mid table (9th-16th) - realistically hope to be in or around playoff contention (8th or above) - would consider relegation or just avoiding it to be failure (20th or below)

Billy Jones from Preston would be a good bet. Would certainly be available with Preston's relegation, and would improve one of our weaker positions (I don't see Butterfield as first-choice over the course of a NPC season, and Richardson has been spectacularly unimpressive). Is renowned for his 'leadership' abilities on the pitch and reads the game very well. Some of the names that people are suggesting are ridiculous - anyone who is/has been a regular premiership player is going to be miles out of our league financially.

I didn't realise they were the only two options. I'm not advocating the return of James Beattie either. My point is that Mackail Smith has had one decent season. He was in the Championship last season and was unspectacular. He's already 27. Now it may be that he's going to peak late, and will only improve over the next few seasons into a Premiership-quality player. But its more likely that he wont.I would hope we would be aiming higher (now that we are promoted) than a player that has had one good season at League One level and several okay ones at a lower level. But if you listen to some on here, he is/was somehow the magic ingredient that would guarantee us promotion and worth spending three times as much as we did on Lambert (which was already a considerable amount for a third tier player) for. Incidentally, how are Jason Scotland and Simon Cox doing these days? Presumably they're ripping the Premiership (or even Championship) apart?

We're not in that league any more

On the other hand, if there are any players who Adkins is not sure about for next season, I'd hope he wouldn't change his mind based on a single performance, I'd hope that he's seen enough in training over the course of a season to not be swayed by 90 minutes

I'd hope we'd be thinking a bit bigger than that really (and the same could be said of Mackail Smith, can't really work out the obsession of some to sign him)

Guard of honour?? Jesus Christ, they've won a few games of football, not returned from a tour of Helmand Province. And people say the modern game is disappearing up it's own arse...

Yes absolutely, and after having our fingers burned badly twice (albeit with little choice in the matter) I would hope we would only accept a flat fee deal. But what I was saying was, even if it is a flat fee (and not incentivised), the people who think that it would mean 10m of instant liquidity are mistaken. Selling AOC (or any other player) would not mean that his transfer fee would be then available to spend on new players, even if all of the money goes into the 'transfer kitty'. It takes a very long time for these things to work themselves through.

I'd go back to Lisbon in 2001, find a guy called Jose Mourinho, and give him a first class ticket to Southampton, directions to St Marys, and a namebadge that said 'Stuart Gray' (which would probably have been sufficient to fool the board at the time)

Football transfers simply don't work this way. Even discounting the myriad of 'deductions' and even when a fee is fixed (ie no performance incentives etc), the money is not paid in a lump sum up front. 99% of the time transfers are paid in 3 installments - 25% at time of transfer, 25% 12 months later, remainder 12 months after that. For whatever reason that has become the de facto payment policy for transfers. This is why you quite often hear of clubs selling players when they still owe money to the club they bought the player from. The transfer fantasy maths that fans play simply don't work because fees are never paid in one hit up front.

Sounds like we should be signing Andy Cole's son