Whitey Grandad

They don't. It's all done automatically by an algorithm that 'supposedly' compares the opportunity with database of what it considers to be similar historical examples. No human beings were involved in the generation of these figures.

Blame Ryanair. And Easyjet. And...

Best not to eat any shit then. Just avoid McDonald's.

Are those all his own teeth or were some of them implanted by somebody else?

Here, the rivalry is closer to the whole of the truth and it is kept relatively in-house. Portsmouth and Southampton might not win another trophy between them in the next 50 years; the chances are probably in favour of that slightly bleak reality. But you will always have that day when you won away at them. 6. The weather There is nothing anyone can do about this: the best derbies, particularly between comparatively non-elite teams, are played in wind and rain. You get the obvious advantages: ball zipping quicker across the pitch, potential problems of goalkeeper handling, the chance of a defensive mistake and sliding tackles extending further. But there is also a temporary seasonal affective disorder that seems to affect players in these conditions, as if the stormy weather has whipped up their own tension to the point of overflowing. So yeah: “It was the rain and wind that made me push that bloke into an advertising hoarding.” 7. The fight Southampton’s Flynn Downes clashes with Zak Swanson of Portsmouth (Photo: Getty) Referee Lewis Smith deserves huge credit for managing Sunday’s game expertly: every decision right, didn’t bring out yellows early, calmed down nonsense and dealt with the one big scrap sensibly. But that fight was monumental. A clash on the far touchline led to first a two-person altercation and then a melee that involved all 22 players. Every time you see both goalkeepers pushing opposition players around near the halfway line, you know they have lost control. At that point Fratton became a boxing crowd, urging vengeance and violence with some of those fans roughly a metre from the scrap. Smith had little choice but to watch the pockets of trouble from a distance, like an ice hockey official working out who to send to the sin bin. Obviously nobody likes to see this (ahem). 8. The goal celebrations There were two goals, diametrically opposite in aesthetic. Southampton’s opener involved a beautiful touch-and-pass in one movement from Finn Azaz and a fine run and finish from Leo Scienza. Ebou Adams equalised from a set-piece aerial scramble with an accusation of handball over the bundled finish. But they shared something brilliant. With Scienza scoring at the opposite end to the away supporters, he ran the entire length of the North Stand, cupping his ear as he went, to end his sprint in front of the red-and-white mass. So what did Adams do? He ran the entire length of the North Stand, whipping up his arms as he went, and ended his own 100-yard run at one corner of the Fratton Stand. Was this grown-up behaviour? Absolutely not. Was it wonderful for a watching neutral? Oh yes. 9. The laughable idiots The Portsmouth pitch invader is escorted off the pitch by a steward (Photo: Getty) After Southampton scored the opener, one Portsmouth-leaning chap did an immediate homage, getting onto the pitch and ambling all the way down to the Southampton supporters. He did so without a steward stopping him. The gentleman proceeded to goad the away end, indicated that he had a large appendage and then pulled up his shirt to reveal a significant belly – all paid for – as he was being led away. Hope it was worth it. Later in the half, another Portsmouth fan got on – nearer the away end this time. As well as being taunted by the away supporters, he was also targeted with a metal crutch that then – amusingly – had to be passed back up through the Southampton supporters by the stewards. Both supporters were led away and will presumably not attend a match at Fratton for a very long time; they are a pair of dolts. But these are also the scenes nobody likes to see that you secretly like to see a bit. 10. The scoreline The derby finished 1-1. It became stretched towards the end and Portsmouth looked the more likely to score, but were also absolutely knackered by the energy expended in getting back into the game against a supposedly higher class, and certainly more expensively assembled, opponent. I am calling it: 1-1 is the perfect derby scoreline. It has to be a draw, because football has somehow been deliberately designed to make the vast majority of us never quite reach the top or bottom of the emotional spectrum; there is always another peak to climb or barrel to be scraped. And 1-1 fits in everything we need from a derby snugly. It is never not competitive. Both sets of supporters get the moment of elation, be it taking the lead or celebrating an equaliser. Both get the fear too: “We are losing in the worst game possible” and “We have cocked it up despite leading”. And you walk out of Fratton, whether you are a Portsmouth fan, Southampton fan or me, feeling simultaneously sated and wanting more. You hate derby days until the final whistle, at which point you can’t wait for the next one. And that is exactly how it should always be. Your next read Smart work! And many thanks.

It's a modern fad. It all relies upon the attackers not being given offside if they jump out of the way at the last moment. Sometimes they get away with it. Something needs to change. Perhaps modify the Offside Law (again) so that just being in the goal area and offside constitutes interference?

Thanks, but there isn't one on my tablet that I can find.

"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics." Mark Twain et al.

Yep. "Quieten the crowd"

That first one is a 'lady'

Referee's job.

Indeed, but he's more use to us on the pitch than suspended.

Good heavens. I'd forgotten all about him. Good luck to him though. We'll always have Wembley.

Just because you yourself can't see them doesn't mean that they aren't there.

Eh? Are we talking at cross purposes? What I am (attempting) to say is that he will attract a lot of physical attention from other less talented players and he probably won't win the fouls that he might have expected in his previous experiences.

"ego" has many meanings. All derived from its original Latin meaning of I / me / myself. Please don't get me wrong. I think he's a great player and I'm glad that he is playing for us. He will however need to adjust his temperament to the English game.

It was a rhetorical question.

She's obviously influenced you. I would too if only I were physicall capable. Always assuming she pleaded enough with me of course.

I see things a lot of other people miss. I raised a reasonable question and I received a reasoned and sensible answer from Verbal. We can move on.

Who is this "he" whereof you speak? If you're going to make a snide remark about another poster then please address that poster by name. We left the school playground several decades ago. At least I did.

Too deep for you? Earlier in the game he didn't get fouls awarded when he threw himself to the ground and had to be told to calm himself down. It was an exaggerated limp. Do you think it was real?

And what in there is relevant? What have I missed?

Limping to protect his ego.

That may be where we see things differently. A back five shifts our centre of gravity back towards our own goal. If reduces our presence in midfield and encourages the sort of passing back to our goalkeeper that can so easily go wrong. This is a relatively modern fad that will eventually die a natural death along with all the other hipster trends.

Fair enough. I didn't see that at the time.