Crouchie's Lawyer

Juan

If your not allowed to touch them or if 'deserts' are not included within the price of your meal then I would find this too much of a temptation and would certainly require a real nurse once I have my heart attack!

I had an actimal yoghurt earlier and it hasnt done anything. To be fair I ate it before my tummy sounded like a washing machine chewing a whoopee cushion around the same time I ate the fruit. Each to their own I guess, but I can confirm I will not be trying your remedy's. I would quite happily take the dodgy looks over a bum cucumber. I was waiting for the Aids comment. I dont have those funny brown marks all over my skin so its not Aids.

? What was real? The plane? I wasnt questioning that, just merely pointing out that my stomach sounds like a wookiee is hiding in it!

Cant be arsed to go to the doctors so I think if we put our collective TMS medical knowledge together, we can probably diagnose a few illnesses! Ill start with my recent unwellness. I seem to always have that 'metalic' taste which you get in the pit of your stomach when you're really hungry, except im not hungry. When it comes to eating, I cant seem to eat the amount I normally eat and feel quite sick if I eat my normal amount. I seem to feel like a really want to burp sometimes and have had no problems with this before, yet I cant burp unless I swallow air and make myself burp, but I can only dispell the air I have swallowed thus rendering the 'make yourself burp technique' redundant. I have eaten about 15 grapes a plum, a ham and tomato sarny 2 bags of 'walkers baked' crisps and some weetabix with honey on top today, yet my stomach is making very loud noises, to the point where I think people six feet or so away can hear. And it sounds like farts too so im getting funny looks. What could it be?

My tum tum is making weird gurgling noises In before the edit!

She loves my weiner too much to have an illicit encounter. And as much as I would love to post a piccie of my Mrs, I know this is TMS so think ill give it a miss!

Well technically its 5.5 years I have been with her and im 25.75 years old. I was going out drinking when I was 17 so more like 3.25 years of legal drinking. She has no qualms with me holidaying with the lads or going out on town either still so I havent missed out on anything. And, we did have a small break where I had some extra curricular fun about 4 years ago.

Just checking my understanding of the definition of rule one... Its 'picture evidence required' right?

I was waiting for the gibbon that picked up on that. Step up Scudamore to collect your bananna...

Meh I have had my share of fun and when self assessing I believe I can be quite a difficult person to live with. Ergo if my current Mrs puts up with me she must love me long time and I have been with her for nearly 6 years. Plus I want to spawn critters within the next two years so makes sense.

Erm, im getting married next Sept. Ill be 26 going on 27. I do not think I am too young. I would like kids before im 28 as would not like to be generations ahead of my kids. These people who dont have kids until mid to late thirties are sick I tell ya

I'd fluck all three. That is all

These fat @rsed lazy money grabbing feltchers are sat at home waiting for their hardworking hubbys to come home with their days salary in their hands to feed them yet more jimmy choo shoes and give them pocket money for 'ladies wot lunch' they are kicking the hubbys square in the nuts even more so as they are now all cheating too! Women - give em an inch, they take a mile!

Better!

Would the oil yet to be drilled be affected??? :confused: Meh, thinking sminking! Of course we would give you a warning first!

I will slit throats if people try to screw me over on my stag do

Meh, im all for nukin the whole middle east! Would solve a lot of problems and petrol would be a lot cheaper too!

Not really no? You're tellin me if I guess your phone number wrong I get a quid?! Is it 0000000000000000? I take cheque, paypal, cash or visa

Dont really get the same sense of winning once you get it though do you?

Spiffing

You have never been to Amsterdam then?

You seem to have a funny growth, you should get that checked out by a doctor!

Kip, if you stopped gambling you may not be as broke??? Just a thought!

To all Jihadists, Subject: The Cave (do not distribute outside the Organization) Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we continue to fight the infidels in this New Year, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns. First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation (a health and safety issue), so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning - Rota .. have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster). Second, it's not often I make a video address. But when I do, I'm trying to scare the **** out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'wassup' thing. Thanks. Third - food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently. I clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration - that's all I'm saying. Fourth, I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the infidel's bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ozzy, ozzy, ozzy, oi, oi, oi" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks. Fifth - graffiti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA ****S DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall - it's a lie. The donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain. Sixth, the use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam - the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future (with donkeys, there is a grey area). Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave. Love you lots, Group Hug. Os. PS - I'm sick of having "Osama Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut it out, it's not funny anymore.