coalman

Shame. I even had a headline: Russell Martin backed, sacked and cracked

They'd better have someone lined up. And by someone I mean a football manager instead of Rasmus's latest left field whim.

With only two games before Christmas both managers will be out to prove they're not the turkey in this highly anticipated box office clash. In the white corner is Big Ange, a man who inadvisably stated he always wins a trophy in his second season. In the red corner is our very own chin stroking possession cult leader and bearded excuse monkey, Russell Martin, who is looking to add more records to his CV after his magnificent "best looking manager" win. Spurs have reverted to being Spursy after a promising start under their boss last season. They desperately need a win to take the pressure off their manager and some might say they're coming to the right place. They'll hope Big Ange won't be dragged into the same tactical maelstrom as Pep Guardiola against a team that creates more chances than any other and knows where the goal is. Unfortunately, those are chances against us and the goal in question is where we spend the match playing Russell Roulette* with our goalie. It's not all bleak for Tottenham though, Saints at home isn't the frightening proposition it has been in years gone by. Saints will be without their talisman, Jack Stephens, who has been spending some time at a local primary school. Learning that it's not ok to pull the other girls' hair with the rest of the 8 year olds. They also have have future PTSD victim, Joe Lumley, in goal as he tries to navigate the desperate pleas of the fans to kick the fucking ball upfield while trying not to offend a manager for whom favouritism is just another dogma. In front of Joe, the defence will be marshalled by TayTay, who cemented his place in the cult's cuddle puddle with a truly inspirational interview last week. The system is working if you look hard enough. In front of him will be the traditional void in central midfield where Downes will be valiantly overrun and an attack that is the envy of every other team in the league, and by envy I mean they're jealous of whoever we're playing that week. It's important to understand what's at stake for both managers. Sean Dyche may have survived being defeated by Russball but Big Ange won't have that luxury. If he doesn't want to be wiping away the gravy with a freshly minted P45 over Christmas lunch he knows he needs 3 points. Expect him to spend the week distracting from this by talking about Martin's bravery being a breath of fresh air. Martin on the other hand knows he's in a job no matter what due to Rasmus and the board being off on a magic mushroom fueled vision quest. For him this week is about focusing on records. He only needs to concede one more goal from a defensive error to make the record his own and limply capitulate in 2 more league games to set a Christmas points record in the league for the ages. Intoxicating stuff. For the fans, we can expect this to translate into a nervy opening as Tottenham struggle to take advantage of the possession gifted to them in dangerous areas. Expect them to get over their surprise and ruthlessly exploit what is, after all, the dream of any professional footballer. The referee will need to be strong and be prepared to be unpopular with Martin otherwise he might have to criticise his own fans or players at the final whistle. Nobody at Saints wants another Villa and refereeing injustice is part of the long term process. The process is working, for Russell at least. (hoping Martin gets sacked and I need to rewrite this) * Credit to @Dirkdigglerfor the correct terminology for our tactics

That's from the official site.

And hostages have wound up relating to their captors too. They wouldn't do that unless they really believed in them.

On the plus side I think we're due the full Nathan Jones meltdown in the near future. The bearded excuse monkey has run out of ideas and is getting tetchy with his own support. Trying to claim that cheering a keeper clearance led to their goal rather than the two defenders that failed simple interceptions is a new level of delusion. Expect Lineker and call to call him on that later. Which will provoke its own hissy fit.

Yes, Russ, it's bad luck. It's unbelievable that a team that creates so many clear cut opportunities for their opponents and can't make the opposition keeper make a save keeps failing to get points. I just hope TayTay is ok after he limply folded to let in their centre forward. There is one more thing you could try. Fucking off.

It's the players or Jason Wilcox. God bless Martin for managing 5 points under the impossible situation he found himself in.

We're behind them!

No shots on target might suggest Villa didn't find it tough.

We carry less threat than a nine year old girl that's never talking to us again unless we give back her Barbie.

Emery is going to under under a lot of pressure after this. Only winning 1-0 derailed Pep's season.

Steady on. No wonder Russ is so frustrated with the fans' unrealistic expectations

It's games that are close like these we really miss Jack Stephens' ability to step up and get the kind of senseless red card that gives the bearded excuse monkey his out.

I've gone from watching the match to reloading Saintsweb on my way to the pantomime. Quality of life improvements beyond belief.

If we can just hang in there we can play out the kind of result that gets everyone a hug. Apart from Joe. He put his laces through it.

The referee has 30 minutes to make a decision which allows Martin to bemoan his bad luck. Need to see something from the officials here or the post match interview might come off as self serving bollocks.

Oh well at least Watkins won't have a point to prove here

Christ, we're so brave. I'm tearing up here.

That would require shooting AND hitting the target. Neither of which we've managed.

We're going to score straight after half time and Villa's heads will drop. Trust the process.

That's not fair. We're comfortably the worst coached team in any of the top leagues in Europe.

I love the way we neutralised Villa's half time team talk by offering no threat to any goal except our own.

No hug for Joe. TayTay is getting his portion.

Spurs need some Christmas spirit next eeek