qwertyell

Strip him for parts? He's played two games in three years due to chronic knee problems, and hasn't even trained this season. 32 year old perma crock. More likely to retire than lead us to championship glory/ignominy.

I'm familiar with how to search on the internet. Transfermarkt says he's played predominantly at left back this season. But for Tanzania he seems to play in the centre of midfield.

Love a mystery player. Never heard of him; can't even find out what position he plays. He's either a left back, centre back, central midfielder, or some kind of attacker. Exciting times.

No, don't make him return to the scene of the crime for his first game back. That pitch has got a taste for his blood.

The Morten Hjulmand ship might well have sailed now (we were supposedly very keen to sign him in January), but he's a defensive midfielder (which we'll need), who is also Lecce's skipper. 2 points above the relegation zone in Serie A. We probably need them to go down if a move here is to look attractive.

Alcaraz has scored a few from set pieces in his time, I believe. If he stays. Longer term, Kami Doyle is a gun set piece taker - with either left or right foot. If he stays.

Pathetic defending. No pressure on the cross, and Walker-Peters marking Mitrovic with all the fight and strength of a sickly kitten. Bloke has phoned it in all season, but has flown under the radar with so much flak flying around for the other shirkers and shit munchers. Welp, three and out. Relegation finally confirmed. Bye.

And that's why Lyanco has to celebrate every mildly competent thing he does: it's only a matter of time before he fucks up something basic.

Lovely day for a stroll in the sun. Even better if you're getting paid for it.

He might still play better than ours with a broken ankle, but I doubt he'll be risked.

Someone on here said he wasn't refusing to play; it was the club's decision not to play him, and contract related. He's on 68 appearances. Could he be due a bonus or pay bump at 70 or 75 perhaps, and the club have decided to save a few pennies as he's off in the summer anyway. Just idle speculation. Good luck to him. Might not have been all we hoped he was going to be, but at his best his commitment to blocking shots with any available body part was a thing of masochistic beauty.

This is my favourite piece of dysfunctional man management amongst a season jam packed with idiocy. Mara finally got his first league goal against Man City, and Selles decided to take advantage of the potential boost to his confidence, and the possibility that he might go a bit of a run, by not giving him a single minute of action since. Not a single minute. Even Adam Armstrong has been playing, and he hasn't scored since before the Queen died.

Harry Winks, with free kicks. Prowse's skillset from open play is ten-a-penny. We'll miss his set pieces, but there's nothing remotely remarkable about the rest of his game that couldn't be found in a hundred midfielders around Europe.

Just a bunch of losers, any way you shape it. We've played okay, but can't create anything because our forwards are fucking shite, and can't keep goals out because our defenders are fucking shite. Can't wait for them all to never play for us again.

Like he famously kept West Brom up in the only job he's had in 5 years of semi retirement? Not sure the raw materials of an Allardyce side is there at Leeds. They can't defend for shit, the midfield is quite lightweight, and there's no-one up front to lump the ball long to - Bamford isn't particularly good in the air or strong. Time will tell.

Feel like it could be Scott Parker. He's got two teams promoted from the Championship, even if he hasn't been able to cut it in the Premier League yet. Young, but with experience - some good, some bad. Plays pretty decent football. Likes to dress up pretty on the sidelines. He's ticking a lot of boxes. Even got a 0-9 on his record.

Sounds about right for Twitter experts. Blackpool fans will tell you Patino is the slowest player they've ever seen and physically underdeveloped for men's football. An unholy hybrid of Elyounoussi and Jake Hesketh.

He was quite highly rated as a youngster at Arsenal. Played CM for England U20s when they won the World Cup. He just hasn't amounted to anything. Seemingly no drive to improve. I think his England caps were a result of a lot of injury withdrawals, and the fact that England have no left back options beyond Shaw and the perennially injured Chilwell, and Maitland-Niles happened to be filling in at LB for Arsenal at the time. I'm pretty confident he won't be playing for England again.

Think Leeds are one of them. Absolutely fallen to bits defensively, young keeper's lost his confidence, new manager bounce has been and gone. And their run in genuinely doesn't look like it'll provide any more points. I'd say they're finished for the season on 30 points. That's not going to be enough. Leicester, I think, will weasel out of it. Need to beat Everton tonight. Saints, Leeds and Everton/Forest, I reckon. Although Forest will buy themselves some breathing space when they beat us next week.

He's a massive West Ham fan. Might as well wait for that job to come up in the next month or so.

Since getting the monkey off his back by scoring his first goal against Man City - sometimes the catalyst for a striker to go on a bit of a run - Mara hasn't played a single minute. That was 4 games of classic man management ago. So I'd imagine he's due a random start out of nowhere. Probably at left back or something.

When there were rumours of Ings leaving, I said we'd be comfortably relegated if we ended up with Che Adams as our first choice striker. And here we are. Four transfer windows we've had to buy a striker worth a damn since Ings left. Ultimately, that's the major failure that's killed us. Can't win games if you can't score goals. Beyond that, relegation is just a matter of time for the likes of Saints. Unless an oil rich state buys us, we're only ever going to be spinning plates, desperately fighting against the inevitability of gravity. Any good players we sign want to leave us immediately (we even encourage it as a negotiating tactic: "join us and we'll be your stepping stone to joining a proper club"). Any good players coming through the academy want to leave us immediately. If we've ever had a good manager, they've wanted to leave us immediately. It's impossible to build anything, to have a long-term vision. So we just limp along, day by day, hoping to hang on at the top table a little bit longer, for no other reason than paying the bills. There's no ambition beyond that. No sporting ambition at any rate. It's hard to care too much. Certainly no-one in the squad does. We've been circling the drain to the Championship for a number of years. Perhaps we could've staved it off for a bit longer with better decision making from the top, but so what? We've got absolutely nothing to show for a decade in the PL. We haven't invested in the stadium or infrastructure. I don't think we've even finished the training ground. We've just existed, survived for a while, and then dropped with a whimper - and barely a player worth retaining. An entirely futile existence.

Only been watching sporadically, but seems like we're predictably inert in possession, toothless up front, and over stretched in defence. This season can't end soon enough.

Better than the other direction.

At least we learned that the "get it in the mixer for Onuachu" approach that so many seem to think is the path to glory is another dead end. Lumbering donkey didn't win a single thing in the air.